Published October 29, 2011
Which came first?
Such a question makes us all wonder
But my life is based on this question
And I will ask it forevermore.
Was I born with a heart of stone?
Dark as can be, cold as ice, devoid of compassion, empty of kindness?
And did the plant of good flower on such barren land?
Like a poppy from the battlefield.
Or was I made from pure generosity?
Bursting with light, warm as the sun, erupting with compassion, full of kindness?
And did the spores of evil fruit in such a paradise?
Like a toadstool in the meadow.
Which came first? Black or red?
The darkness from the hate around me?
Or the kindness shown towards me?
The warmth of red, or the bitterness of black?
Or maybe I was born a battleground?
Black waging war to make me a weapon
And red fighting to make me a shield.
But such a question will never be answered, even if I search for decades.
But sometimes I can't help but wonder:
'Which came first?'
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Just a few nitpicks.
Fruit and Flower are too much like nouns. I couldn't figure out what you were trying to say the first time round. Which is a shame because these are really signficant line. Also, I think the question marks should be moved to the end of the stanzas.
I don't think you need a question mark here.
Also, I think you should go over the entire piece and think about your conjunctions. Some lines might be better if they just started right away, without an and or but.
Other than that, I really liked this piece. I loved the imagery.
Hey there. I think your poem is pretty good,and I think you have done it beautifully in questioning your views of life.
This is my favorite.
[quoteWhich came first? Black or red?
The darkness from the hate around me?
Or the kindness shown towards me?
The warmth of red, or the bitterness of black?][/quote]
Keep writing,with more strong and brutal emotions you have in mind.
I think that it's good but that's just it. It's good but not good enough. I think that you got something here but I'm not really getting any emotion out of this. You should get into depth about what you're trying to say so your reader could get a sort of emotion from what you're saying so I would look this over and try to get in this poem and work it out from the inside. Good luck and keep writing.
it sounds great