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Young Writers Society



PaperCutt - Chapter 2

by Darkmoon158


I added chapter three to it so you could see what it would look like...

CHAPTER TWO

Kaylee led Roselin down the hall toward the maid’s quarters. When she approached the room she didn’t flick the switch for light, knowing that Roselin would not be happy. She walked into the dark room feeling her way through.

Roselin followed her silently, seeing clearly through the pitch. Finding what she was looking for, Kaylee asked if Roselin would go to another room with her. Roselin reluctantly did and proceeded into another room off of this one.

“Madame, you can see in the dark, right?” Kaylee inquired to a pair of eerie glowing eyes.

Roselin laughed softly, “Why yes I can.”

“Could you please find me something to light a candle with?”

The unearthly eyes went across the room in search. They found something of interest and hovered back to Kaylee. Unexpectedly, a small stick slide into her hand, a match of course. Feeling her way around she found a wall and struck the match upon it, a flame took. Hastily, she lit a nearby candle and blew the match out.

“Thank you,” Kaylee thanked as the room lit up and Roselin came into view.

Kaylee motioned to a chair, “Would you like to sit down?”

Roselin sat down, eyes still half glowing in the dim light.

“Madame Roselin,” she started handing Roselin a book, “I have found a solution, in this book, that you may find very satisfying.”

****

Roselin strode down the hall carrying the heavy book Kaylee gave her only an hour ago. She had pleaded Roselin to at least think about what she said and, well, she had been doing that for a long time. Pacing down the hall the whole time she finally decided to visit someone who could help her choose. Plus, it was about the time she woke up away.

Finding the room she was looking for, she opened the door in a rush, too frustrated to care about courtesy.

“Roselin, is that you?” a voice called out to her.

“Yeah it’s me, Erin,” she replied as rain pounded against the window, she shut the door.

Erin stood behind an easel facing the window. In her hand she had a paint pallet splashed with light to deep blues and many shades of whites. Her hair, held back in a ponytail by a rubber band, was black spackled with neon-colored paint.

Her head turned toward Roselin showing her two big white eyes. She looked an awful lot like Roselin but only younger. On the tip of her nose there was a spot of white paint that made her look very childish.

Erin raised her eyebrow, “What’s wrong?”

A flash of lightning lit the room up, both Roselin and Erin let out a cat-like hiss. Setting both the book and herself onto Erin’s sofa/bed Roselin huffed.

“I’ve got this problem, Erin, and I thought you could help me.”

Erin set down her pallet, took off her smock, pulled out a duct tape covered stool and sat down. She gave Roselin a very concerned look and played with a frayed piece of cut-off jeans.

“You know you can tell me anything, sister.”

Roselin sighed, “Ever since Vic’s death,” a whimper crept up her throat, “I’ve been getting these flashbacks, memories, etc about him. At first they weren’t that bad, only lasting a few moments, and I thought I was just grieving. But then after a while, they got real bad, giving me nightmares kind of bad.”

Erin’s eyes darted between both Roselin’s eyes, trying to decide what emotion she should have, “I had no clue. How come you never told me?”

“Well, you were occupied with your own love life and you had your art work to worry about,” Roselin’s eyes started to water.

“I would have dropped all that if only I knew,” Erin ripped off a bit of her pants, neither one noticed.

“It doesn’t really matter now, Erin. What matters is that I need your help.”

Roselin took the book from the cushion next to her and set it on her lap, “Kaylee found a spell to stop my memories from taunting me but I don’t know if it’s just,” she tapped her fingers against the cover.

There was a pause then Erin asked, “What’s the spell for?”

Roselin opened the book to a marked page, “It’s to bring Vic back to finally stop my sorrow.”

Erin drew in a quick breath, “I don’t know, Roselin, it doesn’t seem right to wake Vic from his eternal slumber just because you have some memories of him you can’t get rid of.”

“But that’s the thing; I don’t think these are just memories. I think they’re Vic’s way of trying to contact me. He’s saying he wants to be living again.”

Erin looked into her sisters eyes, “I still don’t know, Rose. I think this is one of those times where you have to solve it for yourself.”

“Thanks for your help anyway, I have to go think.”

Leaving, Roselin took the book and hugged her sister goodbye.

Roselin walked back down the hall. Reaching her room, she opened the door. Almost immediately, the smell of fresh cut roses overpowered her senses. Suddenly, she was thrust into a flashback so powerful she couldn’t stop it.

Roselin was standing on a balcony watching the sun slip behind an ocean of water. A breeze took up blowing flowers, from the newly shedding trees, around Roselin. It was sometime in late autumn and the air was full of the scent of apples. Someone slid their arms around Roselin’s waist surprising her. She turned to look at the person. It was a young man who’s hair was to his neck and was as black as night. The smile that played on his lips showed that he was very happy to see Roselin. Out from behind his back he pulled a bouquet of black roses. He said something that she couldn’t hear and both Roselin and the man laughed.

Disregarding the open door, Roselin ran down the hall, tears falling from her face and into the air. She arrived in the kitchen in mere seconds. Kaylee stood cooking something on the stove.

“I’ve made my decision!” Roselin cried.

P.S. - I wanted to know if any of you guys would mind checking out one of my others stories in this same section either One Single Hate or Rain Before Dawn..thank you.


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Sun Sep 25, 2005 9:52 pm
Lilac_Wood wrote a review...



Looking good, all in all :)

Poking at some grammar... This is something I used to do a lot. I still have to watch for it in my own writing.

Kaylee motioned to a chair, “Would you like to sit down?”


This should be either Kaylee motioned to a chair. "Would you like to sit down?" or Kaylee motioned to a chair and said, "Would you like to sit down?"

There are other times all throughout the chapter that this happens. I'm not sure if this explaination is going to be very clear, because I've never tried to explain it.

A comma is used to connect a quote to a sentence when a speaking word is used. By speaking word I mean words like said, shouted, whispered, asked, answered, explained, or replied. The quotation tells us what the person said, therefore it is a part of the same sentence.

He said. "Pass the butter." This wouldn't make much sense because "Pass the butter" is what he said, so it's a part of that sentence, a part of that action of saying.

He pointed at the plate. "Pass the butter." These are two different sentences. It's implied that he says "Pass he butter" because the quote is in the same paragraph as the action, but the two things are different actions and therefore different sentences. (This is unless you connect them. You could in one of two ways. He pointed at the plate and said, "Pass the butter." OR "Pass the butter," he said, pointing at the plate.)

Is that as completely confusing as I think it is, or did it help?

As for the chapters, I didn't see it as two shorter chapters, but I do like it at the length it is. To me, a chapter doesn't necessarily have a specific length. It can be one sentence or one hundred pages, one scene or ten scenes. The proper placement of a chapter break, to me, does one of two things. Either it makes me feel like I can lay a book aside for the moment because it wrapped up, or it makes me just have to read the next chapter because it hooked me. I like where the chapter ending is for this right now because it has a bit of a resolution with Roselin going to think, and then the "hook" effect with her flashback and declaration that she's made her decision.




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Sun Sep 25, 2005 12:33 pm
Darkmoon158 says...



Yeah about that...I can't add Chapter 3 to Chapter 2 because it would make it too long. Plus, hmm..how do I say this without giving stuff away. Well, you learn what the solution is well into Chapter 3. Is it wrong for me to want to add description about the background information before getting the story totally into gear? Because after you find out the solution the story really starts to get going. :? I don't know I still need a bit more commentary before I change anything.




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Sun Sep 25, 2005 7:30 am
Griffinkeeper wrote a review...



I think you've made a little error.

You see, the story has a large plotline, which is divided up into tiny pieces by Chapters. In mysteries in particular, the chapters are used to describe the discovery of clues, dead bodies, and sometimes a pure hunch that pays off. In each chapter, a significant contribution is made to the plot of the story, so that it advances into the climax.

Now, this is what I percieve the plot of Chapter Two to be: Roselin goes down into Kaylee's quarters where she is about to be given a solution.

Do you see where this is going?

I'm having a difficult time with this, because it feels like the Chapter ended way too soon. I think that by seperating the finding of the solution with the solution, you are interrupting the momentum of the story. It is almost like this e-mail because it is so short. I'd advise combining whatever the solution is with that chapter. While her getting the solution is important to the story, it is more important that we know what the solution is, her going to find out about it in this case is a mere detail.

Unless you want to expand the trip itself and throw in things like vampires, you should combine Chapter 3 with Chapter 2.





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