Published September 17, 2005
I finally finished up chapter 1 and yes I know it's short...
CHAPTER ONE
“Kitten,” A voice whispered in her ear like a soft breeze on a warm summer’s day.
The woman awoke with a start. Scared, she searched her room for any signs of life. When she found nothing, she sat up in her bed. The little light that barely filled the room was coming from her window which was covered with layer upon layer of satiny material.
Breathing a sigh of relief she sat in dimness for a few more minutes before getting up. She straightened her nightgown, opened her door slightly, and peered out. The hallway was deserted except for the slow tick of a clock, cleverly made to look like a painting. As the lady walked down the hall she passed a mirror casting her ghostly reflection. She stopped, flattened her messy hair and continued down the hall.
“Madame, what are you doing up so early?” someone questioned her as she walked into the kitchen.
It took her a second to realize who was talking to her.
“Good morning, Kaylee,” she said ignoring the question.
“Bonjour, Mademoiselle Roselin," Kaylee replied backing out of a cabniet full of cleaning supplies.
Roselin groggily sat down in a chair, it was too early for Kaylee's random French. She rested her hand onto her arms on the table near her. The intoxicating aroma of cherry wood filled and awoke her nose. Slowly, she brought her head up.
"Madame, would you like me to make you some breakfast?"
Roselin rubbed her temples, "Yes that would be fine, Kaylee."
“Has he been keeping you up, Madame?”
Roselin merely nodded her head, too tired to speak. For the last few days she had not been able to sleep for she was being haunted by the memories of someone lost.
“Miss, if I’m not being too forward, this has been going on and off for a year now.”
Roselin sat up, “Well I don’t really have a way to get rid of this-this-this thing.”
“I think I might have a way,” Kaylee replied.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
139,543 Literary Works • 672,605 Reviews
First, just a few general punctuation and grammar things:
"Kitten," A voice whispered... Is what you wrote. You don't need to capitalize "a" right after the quotation.
"Breathing in a sigh of relief, she sat in dimness for a few minutes..." Put a comma where I put one. If you don't put in commas in certain places, then the reader feels like he or she is rushing through the sentences. Try to add some pauses to pace the reading and just to be correct as far as punctuation goes.
“Good morning, Kaylee,” she said, ignoring the question. ~~>Add a comma
Roselin groggily sat down in a chair. It was too early for Kaylee's random French. ~~>The way you had this sentence punctuated wasn't correct. You can either use a semicolon or make it two seperate sentences, like I did here.
She rested her hand onto her arms on the table near her. The intoxicating aroma of cherry wood filled and awoke her nose. Slowly, she brought her head up. ~~>This sentence is awkward and somewhat redundant. Read it slowly and carefully, and then rewrite it as you see fit. Remember about commas and other punctuation--don't rush the reader through the sentences.
Second, just some random things that I think should be pointed out to you:
The first sentence in the second paragraph seems kind of choppy. Maybe try something like, "The woman awake with a start and searched her room for any signs of life." If you say "Scared, she searched...", it's redundant. We know she was startled when she woke up. Also, beginning the next sentence that way is kind of dry.
I have absolutely no idea what this sentence is supposed to mean: "The hallway was deserted except for the slow tick of a clock, cleverly made to look like a painting." How can the tick of a clock be disguised to look like a painting? A sound can't be disguised as a sight. I really don't understand what you're trying to say here.
I hope that helps you a bit. Just remember, practice makes perfect!!
The woman awoke with a start. Startled, she searched her room for any signs of life.
This line just didn't seem to flow very well. I think in the second sentence you should have used a different word then "startled".
The intoxicating aroma of cherry wood filled and woke her nose up.
This sentence doesn't flow very well easy. You could write "the intoxicating aroma of cherry wood awoke and filled her nose" or something like that. That doesn't sound so great either, though.
I liked the cliffhanger at the end. That was really good. I think you might want to make the chapter just a little bit longer as well.
It's good but the sentence structure seems abrupt in places. It doesn't really have a flow. Also I would throw in some details. Like, does the maid have a French accent or is she just radomly speaking Frenchf? I know that sounds like a stupid question but some people do speak random French. As a matter of fact, I do.
" For the last few days she had not been able to sleep for she was being plagued by a spirit. " This sentence has a old world feel to it. A few of your others do but it seems that you keep going between the old world feel and the new world feel. This makes your story choppy.
Basically what I think is that you should go back and rework your sentence structure.
Very good. You've roused my curiosity.
I don't think you need the hyphen/dash. I'm no expert in grammar, but it looks unnecessary.I had to look up "casting" because I haven't read it in this contex very often. I found that casting means "warping" or "distorting" among other things. Good word.
this-this-this sounds like she's stuttering. Is she? If not, maybe you should break up her dialogue... "Roselin picked up her head(,) sitting up, "Well I don't really have a way to get rid of this-this..." She paused, trying to name it (or whatever). "...this thing." I don't know if this is how you intended it...
I'm excited about reading more of this, and learning more about her character.
~Jacquie~
This is good. Short, yes. But, there is nothing wrong with working in small pieces. I just have a few comments about structure because there is not yet much in the way of content to go on. Firstly, the same thing I commented on in the prologue.. just change up your sentence structure periodically.
"The intoxicating aroma of cherry wood filled and woke her nose up. Slowly, she brought her head back up."
Just the use of the word up twice in close proximity.
"Roselin merely nodded her head, too tired to speak. For the last few days she had not been able to sleep for she was being plagued by a spirit."
Show, don't tell. Easy to say, hard to live by. But, just try to describe this plagueing by the spirit instead of just putting the information out.
Other than that... I'm left curious. There has not been any connection made to the prologue so I wonder how that will come together with this part. Looking forward to it.