Published September 4, 2006
Hello again friends, I'm back. I wrote a short poem and I feel like sharing it. I posted it on my blog but I think I'll get more feedback over here. So please comment.
Hallway
Again I dream this dream,
One too familiar too.
This one is full of sadness-
A darkness tried and true.
I'm running through a hallway,
A quickness in my step.
Then I hear my heart beat,
My neck- wet with sweat.
Suddenly I hear him breathing,
Exhaling in my space.
And at the end he's there,
But I've never seen his face.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
140,912 Literary Works • 673,731 Reviews
Hello!
I thought this was a good poem. The rythem was steady, and the ryming didn’t sound forced. The only part I didn’t like was:
I think xanthan gum is right. It doesn’t sound right with that dash.
There might be a coma here:
I would say that you should put a coma after Suddenly, but I think that would take away something it has.
I love that last paragraph, it’s my favorite.
Overall, good job.
-Y
wow this was great.
loved the mystery about it and you have really created a phantasmic atmosphere.
cool.
It was nice reading it,
but something does lack in this poem but I don't know what it really is.
Keep writing.
It would fit with the rhythm more, actually, to say "My neck is wet with sweat".
There is no definite ending to this. I wish it was more resolute.