Hello!
I thought this was a good poem. The rythem was steady, and the ryming didn’t sound forced. The only part I didn’t like was:
My neck- wet with sweat
I think xanthan gum is right. It doesn’t sound right with that dash.
There might be a coma here:
One too familiar, too.
I would say that you should put a coma after Suddenly, but I think that would take away something it has.
Suddenly I hear him breathing,
Exhaling in my space.
And at the end he's there,
But I've never seen his face.
I love that last paragraph, it’s my favorite.
Overall, good job.
-Y
Points: 1190
Reviews: 37
Donate