Hi, DarkenedPens! Pan dropping in to fry up a quick review. As this is such a short piece, I'm just going to read through it and highlight my thoughts as I go, then round off with my overall conclusions at the end. Grammar and punctuation corrections, where relevant, will be shown in blue. Let's go!
Small Comments
“...How long...How long has this been going on?” asked Rachel, a tense tone edging her voice.
First, let's talk dialogue punctuation. The first thing to remember about writing dialogue is that the reporting clause (such as 'he said', 'she said', 'asked Rachel', etc.) should never begin with a capital letter - unless, of course, the first word of it is a proper noun. This rule applies even when the dialogue is closed with a question or exclamation mark. Dialogue should follow this sort of template.
"Here's an example of some dialogue," the reviewer said.
"And here's a bit more!" she shouted.
"Are you seeing the pattern?" she asked.
You only follow dialogue with a capital letter if the dialogue closes with a full stop and no reporting clause is present. Like so:
"Here's the last example." She pointed to it.
So, in summary, reporting clauses should never begin with capital letters. If in doubt, always check a published book and see how the author lays out their dialogue.
Milo stared at the girl in awe, a bit taken aback by the question.
I'm not sure how familiar you are with the old Show vs Tell debate, so I'll just briefly run over it in case. Showing and telling are two styles of writing. Telling writing states facts explicitly to inform the reader, whereas showing writing is implicit and relies on the reader's inference. A very rudimentary example of the difference is as follows:
Telling: The man was ugly.
Showing: His nose was swollen and distorted sideways, his face the colour of tinned ham. When he smiled, it was with a yellowed set of broken teeth.
Telling writing informs us that the man is ugly, whereas showing writing paints a picture of the man and allows us to infer his ugliness for ourselves. I'll point out now that showing and telling are both very necessary for storytelling; telling helps ferry the plot along and get the reader up to speed, while showing allows the reader to engage with and relate to the characters. The trick is learning which technique to use where.
Let's return to the quote from your story. I think it's unnecessarily telling. Rather than saying that Milo is staring 'in awe, a bit taken aback by the question', why not try and imply his awe through his behaviour? Here's a possible alternative:
Milo stared at the girl, wide-eyed. He tried to find words, but his throat had dried.
It's much less exact about what he's feeling, but it's far better at drawing the reader in. When you put implicature into your writing, the reader has to engage with it and figure out the meaning behind your characters' actions, which makes the whole story more immersive.
Obviously, the above is just an example. You can alter the line however you wish. But I'd recommend that you avoid explicitly stating what your characters are feeling; try to show it through their behaviour and body language instead.
He was practically pleading with Milo not to tell, but instead wanted to tell a version from someone who truly knew the effects the corrupt industry would cause.
I think adding 'wanted' makes the sentence a bit clearer. As it is, it feels like there's a missing element in the structure.
Okay, I think that's all of the specific stuff I wanted to mention, so let's move onto overall impressions. I'll focus on the negatives first to get them out of the way. My main issue with this extract is I can't really picture it as a piece of a larger whole. The way that you've written it feels suited to a reader who is unfamiliar with the rest of the story - there's lots of heavy-handed mentions of 'the corrupt industry' and the cynical organisation's motives. It feels like it's pandering to the reader's lack of understanding, if that makes sense.
I think this comes down to the same Show vs Tell issue I mentioned. You definitely lean too far on the telling side of the scale, and it feels rather like you're trying very hard to make sure the reader understands what's happening. But here's the thing: the reader is a lot smarter than you give them credit for. They can work out a lot from very little. Moreover, when the writer holds the reader's hand, it breaks the immersion, because they feel like they're being addressed directly rather than watching the story unfold like a fly on the wall.
I always like to compare good writing to acting on stage. When somebody is performing in a play, they have to act like the audience isn't watching their every move, even though they know privately that everything they're doing is for the audience's benefit. Writing follows the same principle. You have to act as if the reader isn't there, isn't listening, and as if the story exists outside of them - while privately taking incredible care to ensure they can follow and connect with it. It's a tricky balance. But the reader must never sense you looking them in the eyes, or they suddenly remember that they're reading a story and the immersion disappears.
My advice to you, then, would be to pander less to the needs of the reader. Just tell the story as if they already understand what's going on. You might be surprised how much they are able to work out for themselves. Even if they get confused at points, it's easier to add in a little bit of exposition than taking a whole load of it out.
So, how about the positives? Apart from the hiccup at the beginning with the dialogue, your punctuation was good throughout, and I think you write speech pretty well. I could follow it the extract with ease, and it certainly hints at an idea that could be really interesting to read about in a full novel. Personally, I'd rather have the chance to read whole chapters of this rather than just excerpts. A person can't judge how good a painting is if you only show them a few brushstrokes, and nor can a reviewer give you a good idea of what to improve on if you only give them a snippet of the novel. If you do decide to post more substantial portions of the novel on here in future, I'd be happy to check them out. It'd be good to find out more about Gaphomine and the huge conspiracy surrounding it.
For now, though, I'll call the review here. I hope it helped! If you've any other questions, please ask.
Keep writing!
~Pan
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