It was supposed to be a capture and contain mission, not a goose chase for someone we happen to got info that he was connected to these cases. I held tightly the photo of a boy with raven black hair and green tips, freckles across the face, bright forest green eyes wearing a black shirt with the words 'Don't talk to me, my favorite character died.' on it and a sleeveless jacket that is a forest green. I turn my eyeless gaze up and look at downtown Columbus as I sit on top of Cosi as my partner sits beside me trying to look him up but having more troubles than this is worth. "hey Rosesrim anything on him?" I turned my skeleton like body to her, "none yet Sham, calm down, he's not very popular so he's harder to find. If I had a name I could find him." She sighs as she brushes her rose like hair out of her face and looks at me with those black eyes, I poke her check as her green skin turns pink in frustration with my antics. "Sham for being 1,137 years old, you should be able to wait a half hour for me to finish!" she shouts as she draws a ball of water, "well we have, no correction, YOU have been at it for 5 HOURS, I am tried of waiting!" I say as I sway to show how bored I am, she glares and throws the ball of water at me and I dodge easily and continue to annoy her until-"FINE YOU WIN!" she shouts as she slams her laptop close and stands up to try and murder me, I laugh or well one for me, for others it was as if a house was creaking and moaning, as she can't even get near me, "for being 127 you, still can't catch me!" I tease as she runs at full speed as me as I take off and I see all the stress and tension leave as she starts laughing and ending the night with marking out that he is in not in another country and that he's in america, now what state.
"BEEP BEEP BEEP-" From the pile of blankets, pillows and books, pencils, shavings, sketch books and a game controller. Emerges a boy with black hair and green tips, with a freckled face and sleepy green eyes that read the calendar that hangs limply on the wall and at the alarm a clock he has slammed his fist down to quiet it's lovely song. "Why the heck are you going off at 7 in the morning on a Saturday?" he mumbles sleepy unable to process why he set it the night before and goes to go back to his sacrosanct called his bed, just as he was about to drop right back into wonderland called his sleep- "TOXIC GET UP, YOU HAVE VOLUNTEER HOURS FROM 8:15 TO 3:00!" A brown headed woman with lovely hazed eyes stare angrily at her lazy Saturday adopted son as he roll to the floor with the nest he has transformed, as he and it fell to the floor, into a mess. He mumbles as he gets up and look at the clock to see its now 7:19.
'Too damn early' I think as I get up and look at the woman who I have been raised with since I was 2, ¨what do you mean volunteer- HOLY COW LA MOLLY I FORGOT AGAIN!!! DAMN MY MORNING INABILITY TO THINK PROPERLY!!¨ I shout as I rush to get dress as she walked out the room laughing, ¨SHUT UP!!¨ I shout as I get on my pants and throw what I will most likely need into a bag and rush down the stairs with one of my hands brushing my bedhead away. I made it down by 7:32 and I grabbed the sandwich which she had as I rush to the door shouting a muffled goodbye with a sandwich in mouth, one hand on my backpack strap as its thrown over my shoulder and the other holds a cookie for a 'thank you' for the mom that drops me off. I made it to the house to see the mother of 4 kids, dealing with the youngest who was often the most problem child of the group, ¨hey buddy, if you can get in the car I could see about letting you have a kitten!¨ I say as he perks up and jumps in as the mother says thanks you and I go and sit in the front as I finished the sandwich. soon as we were driving away and was making our way to the pet shop. I made it to the shop at 8:00, thank the stars, ¨hey look its the emo!" I sigh as I walk towards the back as my 'stalkers' have to either leave or wait until there's people here who I can lead into the back. I head back to where the kittens are kept as I gather, quite easily unlike when others try, the wild kittens who obey me very well and often calm down when I am in the room. I head into where we wash them with trusted brands, and its off to feed them. I can't wait until I get these guys to nap, its always funny watching them curl up together.
¨dammit, still nothing! why couldn't he be a TV star or something?¨ I hold my current looking storm sea eyes as I look up, I need to chill, loose to much focus and my cloak will break and sham will not be happy if I told him I exposed us to everyone here at the worthington library. I stood up and made my way out as I brushed back my currently looking red hair, I hopped in my car and went to the only place that I saw when driving around for a library that look suit able. I soon found the pet shop and made my way inside as I saw, three kids, one that had blond curly hair and had a jersey for some high school, another tall and lean, looked like he would be a real player, and finally a kid that had a look to find trouble just to fight. 'Why are they at a pet shop?' I thought as I sat down, one of the works asked what I wanted and I said I was looking, he guided me to the back, when I saw HIM.
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Hello there, anyways I would love feed back and see what I can improve to make this novel the best I can! So I hope you liked it errors and all! well gtg see ya!
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Get ready for the greatest review of ya life! not really...
So the first sentence did not really make sense when I read it. "It was supposed to be a capture and contain mission, not a goose chase for someone we happen to got info that he was connected to these cases."
I think it would be better to break this up into two sentences and try to drag it out as one.
The next part that I would change would be in the line, "I turn my eyeless gaze up and look at downtown Columbus as I sit on top of Cosi as my partner sits beside me trying to look him up but having more troubles than this is worth."
Like before I would split this into two sentences right after "Cosi" and just get rid of the "My". Also, I would and use "to" instead of "and" but that is just my style.
"...he is in not in another country and that he's in america, now what state."
I would change the word "and that he's" to "but instead"
"...From the pile of blankets, pillows and books, pencils, shavings, sketch books and a game controller." I would get ride of the first "and" and simply put a comma.
More little things, similar to the ones I mentioned before, continue on throughout the story. You should read it out loud, that way you will catch a lot of the mistakes. Personally,I would also make a new paragraph when someone speaks because it is easier to read and that is the professional way. It is very interesting, keep working on it! Bye
Hey!
Matthew here for a review!
Well, first off I liked this chapter, honestly. They are a few things I can nitpick about it, though! I will not be harsh!(I think XD)
Anyway, the first thing that got me was a personal preference.
"I held tightly the photo of a boy.."
In my opinion, it would seem better to use,"I tightly held," instead of,"I held tightly.." IT just sounds better to myself, but either way is correct.
The second thing I found was a run on sentence.
"I turn my eyeless gaze up and look at downtown Columbus as I sit on top of Cosi as my partner sits beside me trying to look him up but having more troubles than this is worth."
Another problem is the next sentence. You didn't use proper capitalization.
""hey Rosesrim anything on him?"
Besides the capitalization, you should have used a comma before and after the name.
Another major run on is," I say as I sway to show how bored I am, she glares and throws the ball of water at me and I dodge easily and continue to annoy her until-"FINE YOU WIN!" she shouts as she slams her laptop close and stands up to try and murder me, I laugh or well one for me, for others it was as if a house was creaking and moaning, as she can't even get near me, "for being 127 you, still can't catch me!"
Basically, you should focus on comma splices, punctuation, capitalization, and run-on sentences. I mean, you have an interesting story, yes, but there are a few grammatical errors and structure errors with your sentences.
Well, that's all I have so far! I may read it again when I'm not at school! See ya!
(MatthewAaron.)