The Trumpet Player: The Prologue

[pre]The room was dark, lit by only a few candles and a small window. Through the window, charred ruins of decades past could be seen. Even with such dim light, it could be seen that the room was elaborate and grand. Where the ceiling met the wall, there was a lavishly carved molding, with large, gaping gargoyles at each corner, who glared heavily at all who even dared to glance in their direction. The walls themselves were hung with crimson velvet, and decorated with exquisite paintings displaying portraits of unknown greats, beautiful sceneries and creatures and scenes of lore.

The room was nearly void of furnishing, save an ornately carved, velvet armchair. Seated within that very armchair was a dark man, even darker than the room. His hair was dark, his eyes were dark, and it could plainly be seen that this man’s very core was dark. One could simply not imagine this man anywhere where light was to be held.

Next to the dark man stood a beautiful shell of a maiden. Her eyes, the deepest hazel, looked forward into nothing at all. Her face, which seemed as if it was meant for laughter and warmth, was utterly devoid of human emotion, or any, of that matter. Not one hint of smile, or frown was there. Nor was there a furrow of the brow, nor expression of the eye to be seen. The maiden’s hair was lavishly done with curls and tiny, pale flowers, contrasting with her dark red hair. Her dress was grand and simple at the same time. The woman’s pale, graceful hand was rested on the arm of the dark man’s chair, and his hand rested upon it, though of neither things was she aware.

A young man came into the room, and bowed his head to the dark man. “Master, Miss Selene has arrived.” He announced.

“Yes, thank you, Gregory.” The dark man said, his voice deceivingly pleasant. He waved his hand to the other man, ushering him out. He bowed again and left. Moments later, the door opened again and a petite, young girl entered, presumably Selene. She appeared about 15, with long, liquid black hair and cat-like green eyes that seemed to glow in the semi-darkness. Selene, too, bowed to the dark man.

“Mi’Lord. You sent for me?” She raised her head to him, respectfully avoiding his eyes and instead focusing on a rather angry portrait just above his head.

“Of course I did. Who else would I send for such an important job as this, but my darling Selene? Your face is that of a dark angel, it brings chills to my heart.” The man leered down at the young girl, sickly resembling a proud father. Selene blushed, invisible in the darkness, at her master’s flattery.

“What is the job my master wishes me to perform?”

“I have someone I need you to deal with. It is vital to our mission.”

Selene stood to her full, yet insubstantial height. “Who? Anyone who opposes Lord Morven shall fall at my sword!” She vowed, her lips forming a poisonous scowl.

The dark man laughed. “You never cease to amaze me, my dear Selene. Such fire, contained in such a small body! It is a girl, by the name of Daphne Miller. And, optimistically speaking, I am hoping you will be able to retrieve her alive. The Eye told me that she is too powerful. Not as powerful as me, of course!” He laughed again at his own jest. Then, his face fell back into gravity. “But she is still most certainly a threat. Locate her. And let me tell you, our old friend will be looking for her as well. If he finds her first, kill them both, but if she is on her own ‘befriend her’ and bring her back to me.”

Him.” She growled, her every expression filled with hate.

He shook his finger joviously. “Tsk tsk! Holding grudges is not becoming of a young maiden! Am I correct, my benevolent bride?” He said, looking adoringly up at the woman beside him, stroking her motionless hand. “Don’t take too long killing him, should the opportunity arise. Sadism, although sometimes called for, is not an admirable trait. Now… Gregory?” The other man from before returned, and bowed.

“Yes, Master?”

“Be a good man and collect Alexander for me, would you not?” Gregory nodded, and left, bowing as he did.

“I am to be attended by that oaf?” Selene said.

“Now, Selene don’t be so judgemental. Alexander can be of value sometimes. Additionally, he compliments you.” Selene scoffed. “That’s enough of this. Now go.”

Selene nodded to the dark man. “Yes, sir. I will do as you command.”

The dark man smiled. “Of course you will. Oh, and one more thing. The girl is in the Other World. You will have to travel illegally, so be wary. I can’t have my secret weapons exposed because of a failed execution.”

She smiled wryly. “I’d like to see them even try.” With that, Selene bowed her head and left the room. She walked down the hall, lit by perhaps hundreds of candles, making her way towards the expansive doorway to the mansion in which she, her master, and many other of His close circle resided. Alexander was already there waiting. For that, she thought, he gets two seconds added on to my patience with him.

Why, it’s the Ice Queen herself, privileging us with her tiny presence, all the way from the coldest regions of Boldov!” He boomed, making a teasing bow to her.

One, two. One might describe Alexander as a great bear; Large, playful, but dangerous. But mostly Selene thought of him as a stupid oaf of a being. She made her way down the stairs, her boots thudding on the cold stone, and met up with him, feeling incredibly short in comparison (another reason why she disliked him).

“Are you ready, Your Iciness?”

“Alright. Number 1: Shut up. Number 2: Call me tiny again, and you’ll be in every city in existence at once, understood?”

“Aw, sensitive much?”

“Let’s just go.”

The two men on either side of the huge, thick wooden doors pushed them open as Selene and Alexander walked forward, into the ruins that surrounded their Master’s mansion, and on into the world of Lambard.[/pre]

Comments & reviews · 7
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Wow.... This is really bad... I was a b*tch a year ago. Jeez. I need to learn some manners. And all of the criticism is well-founded anyways... Aw, man, I feel bad...

Andy,

I protest to your treating a prologue as a sneak to Chapter 1. Because it is not. It is a prologue, and therefore something entirely different from a sneak to Chapter 1. That is called an excerpt. And a prologue should not be held up to the standard of a story, for what can you develop? It's a prologue, therefore short and brief. These things take time, and actual plotline to develop. Nothing is developed at the beginning of a story. If that were the case, it would not be a beginning, but an end. Things will develop in time. Thus, a prologue will never be completely developed.

DarktoTruth

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Squall
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DarkTestimonyofTruth, I treat a prologue more like a sneak in chapter 1. Therefore, it should have undergone development, not just be a shell of a cliche. Why even use a prologue in the first place if it is under developed?

Andy.

First, I'd like to thank you all for reviewing! I'm glad I'm getting some attention. And no matter what I say here, I am glad for your reviews and thankful. So don't think I'm mad or mean or don't take critique well or something.

Nariel- Using dark so much was rather the point of that passage. He is a dark man, and there is really no more way to describe him (well, there is, but that's the best way.) And he is not "pitch black" for one of the points of my story is that no one is "pitch black" or pure evil.

Dream of the Fayth- Yay, good long review! I can take a lot of this for improvement. There's just a few things I'd like to comment on.

At this point, yes, it's very cliche, unoriginal, etc, but remember, this is only the prologue, so a lot of things that are cliche now will not be once we get into actual plotline.

Yes, dark master, cookie-cutter servant (I rather think of her as a trusted warrior of his). But Morven... well, he truly is an odd one, which will be seen later on. And Selene, as will also be seen much later on, isn't cookie-cutter. She has a very emotional past which drives her supreme (and cliche) loyalty to her master. Plus, she also has something different about her (repetitive, but again revealed later on).

And first, the maiden said nothing. She doesn't do anything, say anything, think anything. She is basically a corpse that stands and has a beating heart. The point of her is to be a... symbol of the point at which Morven officially stepped onto the path of evil, and his motives as an antagonist.

As to Alex's and Selene's relationship, don't worry, it will flesh out. I say again, it is a prologue.

What Alexander said is playground stuff. But he isn't very creative. You'll see his insults repeated many times. More brawn then brain there.

Plus, Selene and Alexander have both spent a good amount of time in "our world" doing odds and ends for Morven. So, being there, they have picked up certain speech patterns. Our world, to Lambard, is basically a vacation spot.

I'd like to thank you all again for responding. I appreciate it so much! And I am not mad, or anything, I'm very happy with them. I just wanted to explain a few things and get some dignity back.

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Squall
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Squall wrote a review · Wed Feb 13, 2008 8:55 am

Hey there, and welcome to YWS.

Through the window, charred ruins of decades past could be seen.


Can you show to us as to how the ruins were decades past? Eg: Something like cracks on the wall, debris littering the floor etc etc.

Even with such dim light, it could be seen that the room was elaborate and grand.


You've repeated yourself with "dim light". The first sentence already shows to us that the room is dimly lit.

She appeared about 15, with long, liquid black hair and cat-like green eyes that seemed to glow in the semi-darkness.


Again, show to us this that Selene is fifteen years old. Don't tell us that. It spoils the reading -.-

Overall impressions:

The main highlight for me for this piece is the technical aspects of your writing. Your grammar and spelling is excellent so kudos to you on that. This also had a positive effect on your flow. The story riveted nicely due to your careful sentence structure and your word choice. It was simple, yet quite engaging to read as a result, and I found myself actually quite enjoying your prose.

As for the originality of the piece, I sadly have to say that it isn't up to scratch with the technical side of the writing. The piece was quite generic and standard in my opinion. There isn't any special for me to mention. The only thing that I can brag about is how unimpressive it is.

1. Descriptions:

Your descriptions on the whole were well written. At times, I believe that you could had shown us more instead of resulting to telling. After all, showing is better than telling. The major flaw with your descriptions is that it isn't really that compelling. In fact, it's rather typical and generic. From the room to the master and the girl, it's standard Gothic like setting. For example, when you described the gargoyles, you mentioned their stare. Well isn't their stare the obvious thing a person will see? It's so trivial and blatant, preventing the description to be lacking of any in-depth imagery or meaning. This can also be said about the master himself. You described him as being darker than the room and have a dark heart. I find that quite cliche actually. From the way you've shown him, he's your generic bad guy in a typical fantasy that lacks any identity. It's enough that you showed how "dark" he is, but you then mentioned his heart. Tell me, how common is it that the heart represents the emotion and feeling of someone? It's quite common aye?

2 Characters:

Characters were pretty flat and generic. We have a "dark" master and a cookie cutter servant that the dark master hires to do his own dirty work. How original -.- We don't really know much about the "dark" master, other than him being darker than Professor Snape's hair and his desire to kill. But beneath all that, there isn't any substance to support these aspects. Why did the dark master dwell in such a dark room? Why was he hell bent on killing? What is his relationship with the maiden?

The maiden herself is nothing but a meat shield. Period. I really dislike the fact that you decided to follow the cliche route for a maiden archetype. In here, she is devoid of all emotion, asks a few predictable questions about his master's desire, and it follows on in a typical fashion. At the same time, I can't really feel anything for her. Like you said, she was only a shell, nothing else, not even a character.

At least you tried to show some of her seriousness near the end with Alex, but it didn't really work out. Alex being a playful yet dangerous guy playing with Selene... This kind of relationship has been done heaps in literature. A playful character that annoys a serious one. Though the relationship between Selen and Alex was cliche, it could had been developed further and fleshed out more to make it not a cliche. However, you only borrowed an idea that has been used by other forms of media, failing to deviate their relationship from the rest of the archetypes.

2.5 Dialogue:

Following on from point 2, dialogue was also rather typical too. It's the standard "Go do something for me" Master/Servant kind of routine. For example:

“What is the job my master wishes me to perform?”


“I have someone I need you to deal with. It is vital to our mission.”


“Who? Anyone who opposes Lord Morven shall fall at my sword!”


Come on, this is just everyday fantasy stuff.

Near the end though, the dialogue was rather unrealistic for fantasy.

“Alright. Number 1: Shut up. Number 2: Call me tiny again, and you’ll be in every city in existence at once, understood?”

“Aw, sensitive much?”


I can't imagine someone in fantasy talking like that, as the dialogue above is more suited for a fantasy that takes place in the modern era.

Why, it’s the Ice Queen herself, privileging us with her tiny presence, all the way from the coldest regions of Boldov!” He boomed, making a teasing bow to her.


This is just downright cliche. It pretty much follows the "Why it's the (insert remark here)" formula. This is dialogue that a child would use in the school playground -.-

3. Plot:

I won't go into too much detail here. Basically, the plot at the moment is rather undeveloped and is quite similar to other fantasy plots (or even some cartoons). It needs more development for this to deviate itself from the cliche. More aspects of the plot needs to be elaborated further and explained better. If you work on the development of the characters, then the plot itself should automatically improve too.

Overall, this is OK. Basically, it's somewhat a cliche at the moment. This can be more compelling if the ideas itself can be developed more and more effort put into originality.

I apologize if my critique is harsh. I'm not the one for ego stroking another writer's work.

Andy.

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~nariel~
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Hello! Yes, I think Selene is a very cute name too.

Seated within that very armchair was a dark man, even darker than the room. His hair was dark, his eyes were dark, and it could plainly be seen that this man’s very core was dark.


In this sentence you used 'dark' way too much. 'Dark' is a very elementary way to describe 'darkness'. Try 'pitch black'.

I don't know how many stories I've read that have a dark and evil bad guy sitting in an elaborately decorated room sending out someone to kill another someone. Shake it up a little bit!!! Maybe these are the good guys?

I liked the ending very much. It showed a lot of personality and I think you should have shown that in the beginning. All in all, good job. PM me when you get the next part up.

Nariel

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Jen_Li_Ha
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hmm I like this story.

But there's something with the dialog that gets me slightly light headed, I don't get caught by it, but it could just be me, got myself a fever at the moment so I'm totally *whee* in my head :roll: , will read it again without the fever! :wink:

You've done a great job, I think you should be proud over yourself and Selene (such a cute name! :D ) seems like a cool character, so I hope you write more, 'cause I wanna read :twisted:



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