Prologue
Once upon a time there was a city called Kalana. This was one of the ancient words for ‘Beautiful’. The elves and humans built the city together and lived in harmony. But one night, the skies were filled with red clouds and the kings and queens of both human and elves fell very ill. The humans blamed the elves for the sickness of their queen and king and the elves the same for theirs. A raging war was going to take place after several days of the arguing. But then a kind young lady elf and a small human boy child stepped forward and the elf said to everyone, “We mustn’t fight! This sickness was by neither us humans nor elves; this was by someone else not of this city! We must make a call for a hero! He or she can help… Track down this fiend and destroy him or at least end this dreaded magic.” then the young boy said, “Please listen to Nathyrra! She’s very smart and her words are true! No one of this city has done it and a war mustn’t break out! I believe this was his plan! Do you want it all to happen? Break us down again? Make us fools and attack each other for no reason? Like trolls and giants? No! We are better than that! We must send a call for a hero should we wish for our dear queens and kings to ever heal!”… Everyone had felt ashamed after hearing such younglings speak words of truth and wisdom. Soon after the call was sent throughout all the kingdoms, towns and villages, a number of adventures answered the call. Most came for the joy of adventure, gold and glory. But a very few came to do the right thing. Eayle Smith a human lady, Valen Shadow the tiefling and Aggie Lithaway the lady dark elf, they were chosen by all of the city’s inhabitance to find the evil and stop it…. All rested in the hands of the three. Nathyrra the young elf followed them the whole way to darken wood were the magic was said to have come from…. Now the tale of the four begins…. Into unknown darken woods.
Chapter One
“Let’s make camp here. We’ll continue in the morning.” Said Ealye, night had settled its cold fingers and dragged away the sun’s rays. The three made a fire and set up their bed-rolls. They ate one ration pack each and Eayle and Aggie fell asleep at once after. Valen stayed watch careful to make sure nothing happened to the two while they rested. His eyes slowly looked to Eayle then Aggie and sighed looking back around the forests darkness. Nathyrra slowly slinked behind a bush, climbed up a tree quickly when Valen looked to the bush. She jumped off and quietly landed to the ground. Valen had heard her though and slowly stood up gripping his sword. His eyes glanced around and growled, “Show yourself or I’ll come and—” he suddenly stopped looking back to the sleeping two. He sighed and then his eyes narrowed in anger and walked to where he heard Nathyrra land. Nathyrra suddenly jumped out of hiding and said, “Should you wish to slay something wait until you are deeper into the forest Sir Valen Shadow of The Land of Fires.” Valen stood in complete shock then shook his head and said to her, “You should get back home youngling. This place is full of dangers. Go back and take care of your kings and queens. And—” Nathyrra said her voice cold as ice. “Valen Shadow of The Land of Fires, I followed because my people are in danger. I am not a youngling and I have powers not even the strongest of mages or witches have. I think I have every right to fight this evil that has infected my queens and kings! Should I also say it is not only the royals being affected by the illness now, it is the citizens of the city as well! I just received news from the messenger ravens. Now either you let me stay willingly or I’ll fight you….. And trust me. That sword will come as no help to you the way I fight.” She smirked saying the last line. Valen’s brows furrowed then he said, “I’m not fighting a youngling. Go home.” He said in a commanding voice. Nathyrra said grinning. “Maybe not… Let’s have some fun!” She laughed then after said something in an unknown langue her eyes glowing blue; suddenly she raised her hands and formed a cone of ice which froze Valen up till his neck. Nathyrra giggled and skipped over to Valen, standing on her toes patting his cheek. Valen gasped his face turning blue, “What…. Is t-this?!” He said looking at Nathyrra. “Power. Now maybe you agree I can stay?” … Valen’s teeth began to chatter, “You must speak to Eayle.” “Fine…” She waved her hand and the ice vanished. Nathyrra turned her back to him and said, “Where is Ealye?” Valen had no intention of answering he suddenly put his hand over her mouth, picked her up and brought her back to the camp site. Ealye and Aggie were awake sitting atop of their bed-rolls. Ealye looked up at Valen and laughed saying, “I knew you liked children Valen, but smuggling along Nathyrra is a bit much!” Aggie joined the laughter after looking at Valen too. A slow blush rose to Valen’s cheeks as he set down Nathyrra and uncovered her mouth. She suddenly got to work saying, “Eayle Smith! Oh! I have horrible news! First is that Valen Shadow Of The Land Of Fires isn’t very good at fighting a youngling…” “Hey!” Valen said blushing more in front of the two ladies who just laughed again. Nathyrra then frowned after the laughter had died away and said. “Second is that the sickness has now spread to the common folk as well.” All traces of humor and embarrassment had left the three’s faces. Nathyrra walked over and sat next to Eayle saying. “I thought maybe if I followed you long enough I’d be able to make reason to stay with you. But maybe that is not needed. Oh Ealye please allow me to stay! I promise on my faith and honor to do as you say if you allow me! Please Missus Ealye! Need I keep begging you?” Valen stared at Nathyrra wondering why she hadn’t just frozen Ealye and made her make her stay? Perhaps Nathyrra liked Ealye more than him? Nonsense! “Oh Ealye! Please please please!” Ealye laughed a little and patted Nathyrra’s head saying, “I see no reason not to allow you. But be careful…. Our healing is limited and— Wait one second. Do your parents know you are here?” Ealye asked looking into Nathyrra’s eyes. Nathyrra grinned saying, “Oh they loved the idea! Ealye they really think I can help!” “Ealye…. Really now. She is just a youngling! She needs to be sent home.” Cut in Valen folding his arms before Ealye had even opened her mouth to speak a word. Ealye stood up and walked over to Valen batting her eyelashes, “Oh come now Valen…. Let us keep her with us.” “Uhhh….” Valen gulped then said, “Let us see what Aggie has to say about this.” “Oh! I think it’s alright if Eayle sees it fit.” Aggie smiled saying that.
(It's a work in progress, this chapter is still not done and I hope to finish it,
but I after all am working on two stories at once on this site)
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Canary word: Present
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Eeek ... heh ...
!
I'm sorry about not reaching the epicness it could,
With all honesty though I didn't write this recently,
I wrote this last year
My friend told me to post it up here so I'd be pressured to keep writing
my story and editing it! ^^ I've been meaning to do it, thanks for saying
it's good (I DON'T THINK SO)And I am going to rewrite most of this (SAME
STORY THOUGH DON'T WORRY)But the story behind the elves and humans just
jumping and accusing each other is because only a few years they stopped
the wars with each other and- You know it's just up here *points to brain*
and I'm going to try really hard to get it out. Because it could be a very
amazing read when it's rewritten. And I'm rewriting the WHOLE Prologue.
^^
But :O!
Could you maybe see my more recent story? Vampires Dont Really Bite... Do They?
I really want to know what people think about that...
Hi! I'm Narniafreak!
First off... it more or less seems like an interesting story. It's obviously a fantasy world that will have a wonderful storyline with the elves and humans. Good job!
Second, it's a little difficult to read because it's in really long paragraphs. So split it up so it's easier to read and follow otherwise readers won't know what's going on if it's all mashed together like that. Another thing, every time a different charcter speaks you're supposed to start a new paragraph to avoid confusion. If you change those things that would be great!
Next, the beginning prologue is what I would call an "info dump". You just tell us what happens, add a few dialogues and move on with the story. Maybe you could "show" us more of what happens. Give us some stuff on the characters too. Who really is Nathyrra and the boy? Why are the humans and elves so easily convinced the other caused the sickness? Give us more background on the city, the characters and stuff.
Show us what happened with the characters leading up to the darkened wood and more so afterwards.
You mention "the call" was sent out. What call? Unless I misread, I'm not entirely sure what they were calling for. Obviously, later I learned that adventurers. But what are the adventurers set out to do? Please clarify!
First, the period after "morning" should be a comma and the "said" shouldn't be capitalized. The comma after Ealye should be a period unless you connect these two sentences. If that's the case you need to add a word like "as" or "and". If it's a different sentence capitalize "night". By the way, the sentence describing what night has done was very vivid and cool. Great job!
Here are a few forums I think could help you if you'd like to read them.
http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/post708612.html?hilit=dialogue#p708612
http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/topic41426.html
http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/post230810.html?hilit=info%20dumps#p230810
If you follow some of these and describe a lot more you're story will sound much better! Good job so far with it though. I seems like it could be really epic! Keep writing!
PM if you have questions, need another review, fix this and need more help, or post any more parts of this story, I'd love to continue to read and help you!
-Narniafreak!