Published March 29, 2011
Dedicated to you.
.
Tall, strong, with not a
window to look inside. You
inspire me, love.
.
Dark glass; I can see
through. One small perhaps, one scratch
shatters our world.
.
My corinthian,
shades of Doric, I'll be
the ceiling and floor.
[Danny's out]
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140,178 Literary Works • 673,037 Reviews
Hi Danny. I was going to review these poems, but I read Demeter's review. It pretty much explained all the points that I had. So, I just want to let you know that I agree with Demeter.
A. S.
Wow- nothing to complain here (except, yeah maybe the syllables). But seriously, you have a great talent with writing haiku's. These are all really lovely.
Hi, Danny! I decided to come in and take a look, since I love haikus a lot. Although I'm never sure what the plural is. Apparently, it's just haiku, but my mind really wants to add that S in the end. Aaaaanyway.
Haiku traditionally consist of 17 syllables, with 5 on the first line, 7 on the second, and 5 on the last line. It's not a crime to write a haiku that's for example 5-6-5, but 5-7-5 is usually what people stick to. Being the slight perfectionist that I am, I can't not do anything other than 5-7-5 when writing haiku. I'm bringing this up because your second haiku is 5-7-4, and your third one is 5-6-5. It can sometimes be a pain finding just the right amount of syllables, I know, but since haiku have so much in them in such a little space, it's especially important to stick to the structure.
There's one other thing I'd like to point out. I'm not sure how can I put this in words without sounding like a maniac, but you seem to do quite a lot of "chopping" the sentences/images when you need to end a line while the thought is still going. Like here, for example:
The first image continues on the second line, and the second image doesn't start until the middle of the second line. This sounds really confusing, so let me show you what it should look like (ignore the syllable thing here):
You know? The images should be somewhat restricted from going over each other. See how this example looks much neater than what you originally have? Now, please don't get me wrong; I'm not saying that you should change your haiku like that -- obviously not, since the syllables are all messed up there. I'm just trying to demonstrate how a haiku should look. You actually do that quite well with the third one.
This review has been quite focused on the technique... I hope I have been able to express what I've meant to, and that you won't be extremely confused after reading this. I don't blame you if you are.
Let me finish with my all-time favourite haiku that never ceases to inspire me:
It's by a Japanese poet called Yoka Buson. I think it's the perfect example of what haiku should be like -- with only 17 syllables altogether, it tells a story. While it's not exactly that emotional, there's so much to it. It's so mysterious and pretty. Some people say that love is the closest thing we have to magic, but I think haiku is at least as worthy, if not even more, of that definition. I get passionate, I know. Maybe it's better if I go now.
Please write more!
Demeter
x
Lele, here.
I really love this haiku. It sure is better than any attempts I've made at writing one. I have to say out of all of this poems haikcoolness( I made up that word) I would have to say that I love this part:
Good job!!!!