Jeanette Taylor:
The House on Pettigrew Street
Thazin Yee
Prologue
There's a house on Pettigrew Street that is cursed... people say. It's cursed because of the fact that when someone moves in, one year later, they move out. Saying, “This house is someone else's property,” before packing up. No one moves into the house anymore, but they live next to it. The house was not meant for other people, but for Jeanette Taylor. Called by her friends Jean, she was meant to live in the house and come to a special camp to enroll in a school near it. Only people that understood Jean's power could live in the house. Powers are verified to a certain amount of people. This is where our story begins...
Chapter 1:Who is the new girl?
“Well, Jeanette? What is the meaning of the forbidden curses?” said my teacher, Professor Jane.
“No one may use them in front of or near anyone,” I replied.
“No. No one can use them at all. Not under the laws of science.” Science to us is... I don't know. Magic?
Before continuing, let me introduce myself. My name is Jeanette Taylor. I'm twelve years old and live with my father on Pettigrew Street. We live in the infamous 'accursed house' of Pettigrew Street. Everyone avoids us, but that's okay(I'm an introvert, anyway). My mother passed away ten years ago for an unknown reason. She had a stillborn, but didn't know. Dad and I think that's how she died. Anyway, I go to Pother Genuine School. Only people like me see it, otherwise it's an abandoned schoolhouse. There's a camp near it and I go there for summer. This special power I talk about is magic and wow and... well, hard to explain. I don't know what my powers are, but my teachers said every power is unique when in one person's hand.
Anyway, Professor Jane was nice. One of my favorite teachers (so far). Her class was the Study of Power. Usually, every class was to learn and try to summon the power we learn about in class. Ten out of thirty students would make it. I wasn't one of them. But this time, it was different. She taught us her powers and what she does with and how it effects things, plus some forbidden curses. We didn't know why she was telling us this.
Alicia Manhaty thought it was about the disappearences (Thirteen kids were caught by a 'Kiss of the Siren' and disappeared. We call it the Shipwreck because of what Sirens did to the sailors in Greek Mythology. A Kiss of the Siren would happen in stages. Stage one would be to be caught in it. Stage two would be to listen to the beautiful music of a Siren. Stage three would be to wander through the city, seeing no one and drifting away. The final stage would be to disappear and lose memory of everything). John Smithe thought it was the Seekers ( a group of kids who died and had a grudge against the school, haunting the hallways at night). Rukia Sentai said it was just a lesson on how powers are used. I agreed with her.
Rukia was my best friend since I enrolled here (which was five days ago). She always had my back. She was a fast learner. Rukia was a shape-shifter. A shape-shifter was a person who could only change into animals and inanimate objects. A pre-form of the usual morpher who can also change into humans, speak any language, and really imitate everything.
Sorry for babbles and rambles, but I do only have two friends. As our friend, Christopher Mochira, comes from History 100 to see us, someone pushes him down. Gasps and murmurs come through the crowd (they were actually hisses and giggles).
"Why do you do that, Chang? Don't you see how much pain he's in? Look at him!" I exclaimed over dramatically.
"B-But, I-" Chris stuttered.
"Say no more! We all know about your... depression.," said I as the crowd gasped (and giggled at my gestures). Continuing, I said, "If you think your words mean nothing, I shall listen.... For I, am a friend." More gasps ran through the crowd as Chris tried to speak.
"I said-" Chris kept being interrupted by my overly dramatic outbursts.
"Shh.... I am your savior, so I am to be treated without interruptions." Chris was about to stand up, but I pulled him down by his shoulders, pretending to grab them.
"What th-" said Chris, who was again interrupted by my outbursts.
"Chang is worse than a scream of the mandrake.! He is the buzzkill of evil! Your sworn enemy!" People then started to glare at him and soon began to attack him. By then, Rukia and I helped Chris up and started walking the hallway.
"Well, that escalated quickly. Oh, one more thing, Jean... WHAT WAS THAT !" Chris exclaimed angrily.
"Friendly help. I didn't hear a thank you, Faceplant." I called him Faceplant because he tripped or got pushed every day.
"You pushed me to the ground, Drama Queen!" He exclaimed.
"Ugh, I'm tired of you two fighting all the time! She was trying to get you off guard while you were being humiliated," Rukia yelled at both of us, showing both her palms to represent us. "Now both of you, apologize and make up!" she said in a tone as though she were explaining it to us. Glaring at each other, we both said, "Sorry." We tried to hug, but that was hard for us. Everything in our lives did escalate quickly, though.
As we walked down the hall, we talked about our day in class. It was a short day, so we packed up and went to camp early. Our camp editor, Cadet McNeil, greeted us on our way in.
"Hey guys. What're you doin' here so early? You bored?"
"Yeah, I guess you could say that. Anyway, is Trisha here?" Trisha is the manager of Cabin 13, the one we stay in.
"Nope, haven't seen her. Well, you can't enter a cabin without the manager."
"Thanks, we'll just go home now." As much as I love camp, I still wanted to go home to Dad.
"Now hold on there missy, you still have me. Plus, Cabin 13 needs cleaning, and you're the first ones to show up. You can go home by then."
Cleaning up was satisfying, other than reading, knitting, or fight practice. I thought of it as an opportunity to me. We went home afterwards to take a rest. i just watched T.V under a blanket, did my homework, and went to sleep.
That night, I had a nightmare. A dragon, a hare, and a turtle, attacking me and my friends. The dragon was biting Rukia in many places. Chris was slowly being eaten by the snapping turtle. I was being bounced on by a hare. Then I wake up. Sweating.
Sorry if it is a little short. It's just that the storyline hasn't really come to me yet. So this is just the first chapter of a book. There will be a long time before I make the next chapter.
Follow me and read my blog to check up on current actions. I will throw in updates on new chapters and new books. そこにお会いしましょう！(See you there!)
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
its nice,but i dont think you should...um dump the whole idea in the first chapter,well,i actually like this piece,it reminds me of harry potter and his school"hogwarts"-------------your work is cute------nice,have to wait for others to be published-------------i actually like this your concept o magic,if there's anything i like in novels,its magic---------that's why i was captivated in your work:-D------------it's interesting,i don't have any other thing to say,please bear with me.kudos
Cool. I get inspiration from Harry Potter and Percy Jackson. They're pretty much the only series I've read through and actually liked.
This is really good. The description is detailed and interesting. You have a nice introduction to the piece. There are also very few grammatical errors. My first piece of advice is concerning how much you use brackets. Brackets are a type of punctuation that scream fact piece or blog to me and you really should try to avoid using them in a narrative. There are a lot of other punctuation marks that you can use instead, commas and in some cases a semicolon or a hyphen. In some of the places where you have used brackets, brilliant sentences could be created. Try swapping some of the brackets for commas and then reading the sentences this creates out loud and you might see what I mean. This will also help you to make more complex sentences. At the moment, you use a lot of simple and compound sentences with the occasional complex one and I think that this piece would benefit from a few more complex sentences. Try combining two or three nice sentences into one seriously stylish sentence.
This is a brilliant start and I am very impressed with your writing. I will make sure to keep an eye out for any more posts you make.
Happy writing.
Thank you for your support. Sometimes when people write about my flaws in the writing style, I feel discouraged, but then I know that they're just trying to help me improve. So thank you for your input, I'll try and use it in my writing.
By the way, I like your profile pic ;D.
You're very welcome and naw thanks. ^-^
Hiya Dani, here to review your story!
. Using an example from your story~
So, I was actually really drawn to the title of this piece, it seemed really intriguing so I thought I'd read it. Also, I noticed it in the green room, and that should be fixed! Anyways, more on with the review, I'll start off with the things that I liked. Firstly, I guess the whole theme of it is pretty cool- a magic school which nobody actually knows about and people just think it some haunted abandoned house is a cool idea. It's quite original, and actually when I saw the title of this I thought it would be another one of those haunted house stories, but I was pleasantly surprised to find it was something completely different. It's always good to surprise the readers like that, so well done!
I think the main problem I found with this story was that it was just one big information dump. I totally get that in the first chapter you have to set the scene, and because it's something that's supernatural that will need more explaining that other kinds of stories however I think here there was just a bit too much. I think it's important to remember that even though it is the first chapter, not everything needs to be explained about the system of the magic here. To be honest, if it's all explained now, it's more likely that the reader will forget it later on. It's actually quite hard to explain stuff of this topic, so I commend you for that but I do have a couple of suggestions to do with this. Firstly, don't feel forced to fit all of the info in the first chapter, just try and ease the reader in with relevant info. Secondly, instead of including info of the system and stuff, maybe you could add in other things like dialogue and more on the characters.
This then brings me onto my second point of showing and not telling. You may have heard of this but if not it basically means for example, rather than saying a man is rich, say he owns 7 houses and a swimming pool or something. A bit of a poor example, but I think you get the gyst
Rather than saying she's an introvert, show it! Maybe she stays at home instead of going out with friends, and just generally enjoys her own company. But even then, from the other things you've shown in the story such as her making a best friend in five days doesn't really show that she's that much of an introvert. So remember to be consistent with your descriptions.
Something specific I found a bit odd here is why was she being so mean to Chris? I thought he was her friend, but that whole scene seemed like she was trying to put him on the spot and be mean to him in front of the others. Maybe that could do with a bit more clearing up.
Lastly, I mentioned this a bit before, but I'd like to see more of the plot and characters. Right now I haven't seen much from the characters, talk about what they look like and perhaps include some more dialogue to show how they interact with each other. The plot thing is a bit harder because you say you haven't got one. I think you've got some excellent foundations to build a plot on, but I say don't rush writing it/ feel pressured to writing it. A plot to this story will probably come in the most awkward time possible like in the middle of an exam or something, but I assure you it will be great and better than forcing yourself to write one
Overall, fantastic idea and it really leaves me wanting more. My suggestion here is try to show and not tell, and this article that I found should help you with that. I hope this reivew helped, feel free to PM me with any questions you have or if yuo'd ever like another review on anything.
Keep writing!
~Arc x
Thank you. Also, about the introvert thing, it's that Jean is supposed supposed to be something that is like me. Cool, funny (at times), and friendly. She's a friendly introvert. She got a friend through hard workmanship... like actually talking. Sorry if I'm kind of being mean about that subject, but this is my first published work and I'm new to YWS right now. I'd also like to comment on the plot. I haven't really thought of a plot yet. it's vague to me now, but I'll get a plot as soon as the second chapter. But, really, thank you for being honest to me in your review.
Hello! I'm kayfortnight, but everybody here just calls me Kay! Pleased to meet you, Dani. I'm going to review your work.
I like the overall idea of your story, but I don't love it. The part about the cursed house is very original and interesting, but I have to admit when you mentioned the school and camp for kids with magic, my mind immediately said, "Not another Harry Potter/Percy Jackson clone!" Although that may be a little overdramatic, my point stands. Your story has a similar plot to several popular fantasy novels. I think you need to make it more original, unless you're writing fanfiction.
There are a couple of spots in your story that made me raise an eyebrow, such as Jean having a best friend five days after she moved in. I could see that for someone extraverted, but not an introvert. If you want her to be an introvert, a far more sensical scenario would be showing her a year after she's moved in and she only has a couple close friends. Don't laugh, I've gone through this myself. Also, it really doesn't seem like people are avoiding her. Maybe you should have clarified with normal people, because it really doesn't seem like her classmates are avoiding him. Instead of the drama queen scene, why don't you have her hurry through the hallways because she dislikes the muttering that other students do in her presence, or have her loudly ask what a couple of students are talking about and have everyone scatter like leaves on the wind. So far you've been telling me she's a loner, and showing me the most popular girl in the school.
Also, Chris and Jean don't really seem like friends. I understand that she told the whole crowd he had depression, implying the bully was trying to drive him to suicide, which anyone would be angry about. But from the way they act, I get the feeling they've hated each other for a long time and the only one bringing them together is Rukia.
Bye for now:)
About the introvert thing, she's me. She likes to stay inside, but likes a little company. I also don't want to explain how Rukia and Jean became friends (in five days). Now, she also stands up for people. She might a loner, but she wants to be heard sometimes. Can you kind of get what I'm saying? In summary, She's a friendly introvert with a loud mouth, like me
. There's also going to be this little thing about your sentence with Chris and Jean. I'm not going to spoil it, but they do have discontent for each other. The whole friend triangle is that Rukia is friends with both Jean and Chris, but Chris and Jean don't like each other, but can be tolerated because of Rukia (It might not make sense, but you'll get it). So, that whole 'drama queen' scene was an act of friendly devotion. Because they don't like each other, doesn't mean they can't stand up each other or help each other out. But, really, thank you for being honest to me in your review.