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Poppy- Just a tiny verse of it

by DaniDDelli


the one shoulder i felt i could cry on
the one hug i could rely on
when my father was not around
when my world was pushed on the ground
All i knew was you
And that was all new
denying the truth was always easier with poppy
But turning around facing it was all me
as I get older you stay the same
never holding my hand again
now I'm really alone
where did my faith go


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33 Reviews


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Sun Jun 24, 2012 10:07 am
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ghostie wrote a review...



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Sun Jun 24, 2012 12:31 am
JabberHut wrote a review...



Hey, Dani! Love your avatar, by the way. ;)

I wish I could see the whole song. :( Right now, I'm unable to fit this puzzle piece into the entire picture since I don't know what it's supposed to look like. It's certainly along the lines of losing someone close, someone the speaker relied on. But that's all I've got.

And so, since I only have a verse, this review is going to be rather quick and... remotely helpful, but hopefully, helpful nonetheless. xD

I feel like that, as a "tiny verse," this has a lot of information jam-packed into a few lines. There's definitely a story behind these words, and that's awesome! This is an incredibly good thing. However, I (as the reader) am not getting the full impact of what this story is trying to say.

Wow, this is hard. xD Let's try going section by section, ja?

the one shoulder i felt i could cry on
the one hug i could rely on
when my father was not around
when my world was pushed on the ground


I like the opening lines! It's the fourth line here that seems to contradict the third. The dad's gone, so how would they know he was pushed on the ground? And why does getting pushed on the ground have more significance than when the father's not around? I think a father's absence is much more depressing...

denying the truth was always easier with poppy
But turning around facing it was all me
as I get older you stay the same
never holding my hand again


I don't know who poppy is? >< I imagined it was dad, but why would they deny the truth of something they apparently love and miss so much? Part of the story that we're not getting, so maybe it's explained elsewhere? Line two reads weirdly, so a rewrite might help that out. Lines three and four seem to contradict together. Line three says they stay the same (which implies they'd still be there), and line four implies that he did change since he's not there anymore. XD *flail*

Thus, I don't know who actually changed. Confusion!

So yeah, I wish I had the entire song to read this with. I'd get a better idea what it's trying to say. Is there any specific part of it you need assistance with? Hopefully, I gave you some idea or helpful opinion. xD

Keep writing!

Jabber, the One and Only!




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Sat Jun 23, 2012 11:04 pm
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Epicdonkalous wrote a review...



Hey there!

To start off with - I believe that the concept for this is quite nice, though I don't think you elaborated enough to thoroughly explain your meaning. That being said, this is just a small portion of the verse, but I definitely think you should post more, to make the theme apparent. Now grammar wise, I'm a bit disappointed. I believe you know that you need to capitalize, and add the proper punctuation, such as the ending line "Where did my faith go?" Overall, I think you need to write more in order for a better review!
~Epic





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