Hey there Danely48. It's just lizzy dropping by real quick, so without a further ado, let the reviewing begin.
1. The first comment I have is about the description from the main page. This is slightly confusing and needs improvement.
This is my first blog and my first time sharing my work through the internet and I would like some feedback. Thank You.
This description left me with a lot of questions including these few:
i. So this was meant as a blog post but it's filed as a short story?
- If this was really meant as a blog post or something it would be nice that you specified that at the beginning of the piece too. It doesn't feel very much like a blog post, more like a short story about romance. So in the filing next to short story you might want to select romance in one of the fill-in-the-blanks.
ii. Why am I going to read this? There is no emotion. There is just a statement that this is the author's first online work.
iii. Wouldn't it be better to put this at the beginning of the story and put something to hook the reader in the description?
2. Above I said this felt like a short story. Upon further inspection it sounds more like someone trying really hard to shove a poem into short story format. Just look at the first sentence. It would go much nicer in a poem or as lyrics to a song or something. You may want to consider that as an option and here is an example way to put the first line.
Your lies and masquerade began to fade,
I gave you everything even my trust,
our diamond blew up by your fake grenade.
The second line is really wordy and the "even my trust" is unnecessary. You just told this lover a couple words back you gave everything or is your trust not included in everything.
3. Also please refrain from using emoticons or text talk during your story. It's alright to leave a note at the end with a smiley but never ever use text talk. It wasn't present in your story but the smiley face at the end still made me dislike the ending.
4. Okay now that that's all over I can talk about the actual subject. I don't read romance very much so therefore I don't review romance very much. Sorry if I get to harsh. This is about an average romantic plot about a breakup, from what I've read. I think that the mc's lover cheated on her or lied to her about something major. I'm going with he/she cheated on her and that caused a breakup. I am also pretty sure they were engaged from the repeated use of diamond as in diamond ring. Please at any time tell me if I got a character detail wrong.
5. Well that's about all I have for today. Good job on publishing your first work on YWS. Welcome to the site. Feel free to ask me about anything through PM. Have you introduced yourself in the forums yet? If not why don't you head over there and write a post. If you have any questions about this review feel free to PM me.
Happy Early St. Patrick's Day!
-lizzy
Points: 650
Reviews: 766
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