Published October 8, 2012
I tuck tail and walk, walk away from everything. I don't want to be around when all holy angels decide to come crashing down,I don't want to be the one mommy an daddy blame for the destruction of their marriage. I am just a small pup,a wolf pup in a den of hungery lions that just step on me.Why do they not see me? Am I invisible? I don't mean to be.Do they want me to walk the wire,maybe even set myself on fire? Would they notice me then or would they think me strange a push me farther away? I find myself laying alone in the late December snow, I'm freezing but I wont say anything to anyone my fur is still to thin,I'm still to young but they don't seem to care they have each other.Mommy has some man that's not daddy and daddy has someone that's not mommy. Why do they do that? Do they not love each other anymore? Do they still love me?
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140,397 Literary Works • 673,155 Reviews
Hello hopless03 here to give you a review!
This was a cute little story and i loved it. I wish it explained a little bit more but its still good. I love how short and cute it is though. In my opinion you should add more feelings, and maybe add on to it. its very good though.
keep writing and stay beautiful!
-Sara Belle
Naaaaaaaw, very sweet. You could have punctuated this a fair bit to make it look neat and tidy. A few spelling mistakes but even all the great authors have spelling mistakes at times. Spaces after a full stop and a comma seem to be where you are having most of your punctuation probems. I really enjoyed this cute little story though, and i hope to read more. Good luck.
S.K
Hey there! I will be reviewing today, and welcome to YWS. Nice to meet you.
First things first, I would like to talk about some issues I have.
This is a good sentence but the part "I tuck tail" In my opinion it should be "I tuck my tail and walk," That's how I would change that part. Also in my opinion, I wouldn't add the "And walk" I would leave it out so it doesn't have to have the comma.
This is actually two sentences, I would not add the comma after "Crashing down" I would add a period. That would actually make it be able to read a little better.
Here you need to make sure that it is spelled and, not just an. (Reminder)
Don't forget to add the space between the comma after the pup and the A.
Reminder, don't forget to make sure you're adding spacing. Make sure you add spacing between the period and the do of the next sentence.
Reminder, spacing.
Reminder, spacing.
You did a great job creating this, I like how you keep it all in first person. That's very good, just make sure to not start each sentence with I. Try to make it start off with an action, then use the I. Try something like that, it might be better. I can tell you are rushing through this by the spacing error. No big deal with that, it is an easy fix. Personally I want to read some more of your work. If you post any more, please give me a shout out on my wall. I would really appreciate it, thank you so much for your time. Have a great day and keep on writing!
Oh P.S, please don't take my reviewing rudely... I don't mean to be, you can disregard them if you would like. That's perfectly fine.
~Whitewolfpuppy
Hi there, Dancing. I see you're new to the site, so welcome to YWS.
A good first sentence, but remember that "and" ends with a d.
That's "hungry" lions, with "hunger" being the noun.
You actually have two sentences here- "Why do they not see me?" and "Am I invisible?" Or you could use a semi-colon so it reads "Why do they not see me; am I invisible?"
Why the change from first person (I) to third person (the small wolf)?
Too thin. If you were talking about going someplace, it would be "to." Don't worry; a lot of new writers get the words confused! Also, you have what's called a run-on sentence. Try reading it out loud- you'll see why it's called that.
thanks for point those out i was running low on time and energy but i fixed that and i saw where i change person from 1st to 3rd that was purely an mistype i was also typeing on fictionpress
It was interesting, and I think I see a comparison with the wolf pack and family life, but there were quite a few problems I noticed in the story. At the beginning, and throughout the rest of the story, there were a few spelling and punctuation errors. I would suggest checking over it, and correcting those basic spell check errors. =) It would definitely help the story. Other than that, you use emotion very well in your words.