The concept of your poem is very good, but the execution of it could have been carried out a bit better. I like the two first sentences together, they're not exactly the same and they flow together, that's when the flow ends though. Your stanzas are choppy and bouncy, one subject to another. I feel like you could chop parts off of the longer sentences, you have a bunch of extra words that don't need to be present.
"Life's not so great in the other field is it?"
That sentence really has no use in the poem, it's kind of like you put ketchup into a pastry, it's just randomly thrown out there.
(sorry, accidentally put this a comment)
Points: 276
Reviews: 43
Donate