The world was dark till we came in.
My world was dark till you appeared.
I would lay in bed, and let my tears collect in the jar by my cheek.
You would just laugh when I walked by with my eyes looking a mess, and my voice ragged.
You never truly understood until the day I snapped.
The world was just dark till you walked in, then the colors blinded you.
To see just black and white where I saw color, you now have my place and I have yours.
Life's not so great in the other field is it?
I grabbed your hand and smiled, you just stared back at me blankly.
I took you home and made you laugh, made you smile.
I made life colorful again.
I'm not a monster like you thought but at the same time I am.
I was the monster you thought up, that transformed without you knowing.
I'm more of that fairy that shouldn't exist in the world you live in.
But in a fairy tale that you wrote so you wouldn't be alone.
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Canary word: Present
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125,021 Literary Works • 672,740 Reviews
The concept of your poem is very good, but the execution of it could have been carried out a bit better. I like the two first sentences together, they're not exactly the same and they flow together, that's when the flow ends though. Your stanzas are choppy and bouncy, one subject to another. I feel like you could chop parts off of the longer sentences, you have a bunch of extra words that don't need to be present.
"Life's not so great in the other field is it?"
That sentence really has no use in the poem, it's kind of like you put ketchup into a pastry, it's just randomly thrown out there.
(sorry, accidentally put this a comment)
The concept of your poem is very good, but the execution of it could have been carried out a bit better. I like the two first sentences together, they're not exactly the same and they flow together, that's when the flow ends though. Your stanzas are choppy and bouncy, one subject to another. I feel like you could chop parts off of the longer sentences, you have a bunch of extra words that don't need to be present.
"Life's not so great in the other field is it?"
That sentence really has no use in the poem, it's kind of like you put ketchup into a pastry, it's just randomly thrown out there.
I think this poem is fine. I don't really like poems without patterns but that's just me being OCD. It is cute, although I can't figure out the intent of the fairy. I also feel like the sentence "I'm not the monster like you thought but at the same time am I." is a little mixed up. Is it supposed to be I am instead of am I? It is a good poem, I was just slightly confused by it. It could go through some editing, but I tell that to everyone. So, god job, but also try to improve.
I think it's a very nice work. the two first lines are very similar, you shoul change one a little bit, something like "The world was dark till you came in, my world was gloomy till you appeared".
just try not to repeat the same word too often.
other than that, it's an exellent poem, I really liked it.
i think this is good. First the first two sentences are the same thing. you can take out one of those sentences. Third you have three errors in the third sentence. The first one is you need you have to change i would lay in my bed and not a. Then fix my tears collect in a jar not the. After that you can take out the part that says by my cheek because it is irrelevant. In the next sentence you need to put my eyes all teary and my voice rugged. Other than those things it is good. just fix it up.