I'm sorry that I lied to both you and me

Hey there.

I want to start by saying I actually like this a lot. It's raw, and sports a kind of angsty sensibility that makes it interesting. I love the tone you've set, the "voice" feels real. What the character's going through is something we've read many a times.

And writing about 'common' things is difficult in the sense that you need to whip your story up in a way it wouldn't seem predictable, but rather interesting.

I like how midway, you partly give away with commas and stuff and go with flow of the character's voice. It's nice, and reads great but sometimes you need to put in a comma or two where there might be difficulty in understanding what you mean. For example:

I don’t care what people say once lovers, you either never stop loving each other or you were never in love to begin with.

Interesting piece Danceingtreelf, I have a friend who is going through exactly what you are going through. Believe me, it will get better but in the mean time, allow the emotions to flow and share them with the world.

All I would say to make this piece better is:

- Make paragraphs. Without paragraphs, most people will not read a text because it will be stressful to the mind and eye, also having no paragraphs will make it seem like unprofessional writing.

- Describe him, what does he look like? what drew him to you in the first place? How can we as the reader see the signs you saw and in the end avoid getting hurt by a poser. What made him appear a poser?

This piece can be better but there is passion in what you do so keep improving your writing.

Interesting story you have there. Here's how it's going to work with me. I'll talk about what works first then what doesn't, and then I'll do my best to give you advice on what you could do to improve on this.

What works
- The story you chose to write about is common, but still possible to write about. Don't let anyone tell you not to write about teenage relationships. It's never the topic that's wrong, but everything else that could be.
- I enjoy the close view of the narrator's state of mind.

What doesn't work
- The paragraphing, or the lack of it, makes it incredibly difficult to read and follow. Had this been as long as a real short story, few would have bothered to read even if it is good stuff.
- The same goes with the sentence structure, and the lack of punctuation.
- I know you're trying to mirror the state of mind of the narrator, but it doesn't necessarily work, especially when your intention is pitted against the practical aspects of writing: communication. In this case, communication is hampered severely by your long departure from conventions.
- The black and white good-vs-evil theme here doesn't work. I believe literature/media as a whole have gone past that medieval way of thinking. Inject some greyness into your story. Quite frequently, relationships break down because both sides were at fault.

Suggestions to Improve the Piece
- I don't believe you should chuck out every technique you've employed to mirror the state of mind of the character. You could try doing away with one or two of the ways (such as the lack of paragraphing or something), and see if it's a little more coherent. I believe you should at least have some manner of paragraphing. I've written in a similar way as you did, and I believe I might do it again, but not to your extent, and even then, a minority of my readers are still complaining of the readability, and I'd say they have their reasons.
- Develop your plot even further. You could even try laying out what was it that made the relationship fail, on both sides. You could have an outline first, to explore the plot.
- How about pulling a bit of what actually happened between your narrator and her ex and putting it in there? Give us clues as to what actually went down.

I guess that's all I got. Keep writing!