Blooms of disaster

My name is Yuki Solana and I am 16 years old, despite my name I am not from Japan or China. Believe it or not I am from Ohio. My mother is a manga artist From England and my dad is a Lawyer from Alabama, and we recently moved to New York because my dad's job has us move quit a lot so I've never been able to make any long-lasting friendships. I mean I can make friends but just as we start getting to know each other I have to pack up and move. Mom said that this was the last time and if dad doesn't make it here we are all going back to Ohio. That was three years ago when she said that to me. . .
 
BEEP! BEEP! BEEP!
 
"I'm up I'm up, "I muttered at my alarm. I kind of stumbled out of bed and in to the bathroom where I brushed my hair and washed my face.
 
"Chick you look horrible, you should really go to sleep earlier instead of helping mom at all hours of the night on her latest manga." I mutter to my reflection. I'm not the prettiest girl or the skinniest but I was slightly above average so to say. I have clear ivory skin and long honey blond hair, my bangs are short and cover my eyes, which are a clear dark grey and I have a strange mark on my left eyelid that looks kind of like a half heart with thorns.
 
"SNOW PEA! You're going to be late for your first day if you don't get up and stop talking to the mirror!" mom yelled down the stairs.
 
"I'm coming!" I pull on a green and black plaid skirt, white button up over a dark red tee-shirt, my black and purple high tops and run up the stairs to the main floor with my messenger bag in hand. "Bye mom I'll see you after school!"
 
The bus stop was a hike up a hill and only about ten or fifteen of us were waiting. A not so small group of girls gave me a once over and began whispering. "Great," I thought to myself, "haven't even gotten to school and the girls are already scared I'm going to be after their man. I could care less about their boys, I'm more of the "boys are a waste of time and I have a lot of life to live before I have to settle down and have kids" kind of girl." My thoughts were cut short as the bus pulled up. I kept my head down as I made my way to the back when a hand snaked out and blocked my way. The hand had a biker’s knuckle glove on it and the arm attached was clothed in a green and grey striped hoodie.
 
"And just where do you  think you're going beautiful,hmm?" A low husky voice that slid across my skin asked. I shoved the arm away without looking up; I just wanted to get as far away from the owner of that voice.
 
That voice sent chills down my back and had the hair on my neck standing on end. What did he want, who was he, and why did him being around me make my body and mind feel so strange? The bus ride wasn't too long so I didn't even try to talk to anyone.”Hey new kid get off the bus on your own or I’ll carry you, your choice.” That voice said. I practically ran off the bus. I managed to find the office in my mad rush to leave the bus area. "I'm looking for Mrs. Broun I'm the new girl," The little woman at the desk just kind of stared at me then pointed to a door a little ways down. "Thank you." The school was pretty much laid out like my last one only my last school didn't have almost seven thousand kid's ether.” Today's going to be a long, long day.' "I whisper to myself as I knock on the door of my new personal death holder.
 
*30 minutes later*

I'm sitting in a small classroom with a few guys and one other girl. What the heck!? A tall man with a soul patch on his chin walks in, that must be Faulk. "Good morning class, I see we have had another female join us in our shop today, tell me why did you chose wood shop... umm...,"he shuffles through a few papers then continues, "Yuki?" I let my eyes wander for a moment then answer." I chose wood shop because I refuse to take ballet or tap." with that I resume reading from the large volume on my work bench. I could feel the eyes of all the guys on me but I never looked up to their faces. "What you don't dance beautiful, I thought you would be another one of the girls that fought like animals to win the leading role of the next schools next productions." My eyes widen but I wouldn't look up, what is he doing here!?Was he following me or was I in my own personal hell. Faulk, "Tess, I see you have finally decided to come to class today, but your 15 minutes late what happened today, Marley decide to break your heart today? "I could hear the grinding of teeth but all I wanted to do was bolt for that open door. The only problem was that that open door was blocked by the most beautiful boy I had ever seen. “Actually Buck, Marley ODed over the summer, so I'm a free soul once again, plus I'm not late your clocks fast." The bell rang at his words.
 
I looked around the room for a moment to see where he would sit, only to figure it out to late, my bench was the only one with no partner. "Well Tess, looks like your siting with Yuki this semester and you better get used to it and quick, because it looks like she would love to kill you right about now." Falk managed to get out before a cloud of hot pink smoke began to drift into the room. "QUICK! Everyone out of the room. Looks like Hanna blew up something in the lab already." I didn't even have the time to stand before I was suddenly in some ones embrace being carried out of the hall into the court yard.  The court yard was full of many other students and I struggled to be released from Tess's arms but he was having none of that. Before I could get out of his arms, the whispers started and a light started to shine from between my hands. "What the fudge! What did you do Tess!?" I yelled at him as my hands began to burn from the strange glowing and a silent scream was ripped from my throat as an inky darkness consumed me.

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Dhendon
Review
Dhendon wrote a review · Sat Jul 13, 2013 5:11 pm

Okay, let me start by saying this was pretty interesting. I like the concept of this story because its like she is having a boy like her so much when she really doesn't want anything. Towards the end, though, I got very confused and I'm upset that it ended. I want to read more simply to find out what the ending was talking about. So, nice job, you've got the reader hooked.

Now, as with every story, there are grammar and general English problems. I don't think you need me to sit here and list every problem because I feel like you are good enough to recognize the errors with a simple read through.

The one thing I will specifically point out is when she said I'm more of a boys are a waste of time and I have a lot of life to live before I have to settle down and have kids kind of girl. For this part, it is easier and more acceptable for the reader if you write I'm more of a "boys are a waste of time and I have a lot of life to live before I have to settle down and have kids" kind of girl. This let's us know that you are connecting these words into a single thought rather than trying to make a flowing sentence. It is simply the way it is.

Overall, I love this story and have no major complaints with anything about it. I am so excited to keep reading more of this and I hope to see it continued. Good job!

User avatar
Jony
Review
Jony wrote a review · Mon Apr 29, 2013 3:13 am

Hey! I like this story so far! I think that this story has a lot of potential.

I haven't found much in terms of grammer, but then again I'm not a grammer expert so I'm just going to leave that to people who are. (If you want a thorough grammer review, ask VeerenVKS to review your work, trust me when I say he knows what he's talking about)

In terms of character development and plot, I think that you could introduce Tess a little more clear because it seems rushed and confusing, especially at the bus stop. I think that you could use some more descriptions and less dialogue, but that's just my opinion. I also think that you should separate your dialogue into separate paragraphs so it's easier to read and looks more organized. Oh and separate your time lapse the *30 minuets later* thing into it's own paragraph. Also the ending seemed very rushed and very confusing. Slow things down and flesh out the ending a little more so it seems less rushed.

I want to know more about whats going to happen next and I hope that you keep me updated. Don't be afraid to message me when you have updated this or just have another work you want me to review because I would be happy to do it, I love your writing style. I hope this helped!

Omg, great story, I want to read more. You have done very well at pulling the reader, me, into your story, now please if you would happily be nice enough and continue this beautiful story so I may continue reading, i would be forever happy. Great story (obviously), had a few spelling mistakes and maybe refrase certain parts to sound better, it made perfect sense but could have been worded differently to fit better.

S.K

I do plan on finishing this work,I had a lot of fun writing it(and its many rough drafts).But yes I do plan to finish this story.



The most important service rendered by the press and the magazines is that of educating people to approach printed matter with distrust.
— Samuel Butler