16+

Blooms of Disaster (updated and revised)

Warning: This work has been rated 16+.

My name is Yuki Solana and I am 16 years old, despite my name I am not from Japan or China. Believe it or not I am from Ohio. My mother is a manga artist From England and my dad is a Lawyer from Alabama, and we recently moved to New York because my dad's job has us move quit a lot so I've never been able to make any long-lasting friendships. I mean I can make friends but just as we start getting to know each other I have to pack up and move. Mom said that this was the last time and if dad doesn't make it here we are all going back to Ohio. That was three years ago when she said that to me. . .

BEEP! BEEP! BEEP!

"I'm up I'm up, "I muttered at my alarm. I kind of stumbled out of bed and in to the bathroom where I brushed my hair and washed my face.

"Chick you look horrible, you should really go to sleep earlier instead of helping mom at all hours of the night on her latest manga." I mutter to my reflection. I'm not the prettiest girl or the skinniest but I was slightly above average so to say. I have clear ivory skin and long honey blond hair, my bangs are short and cover my eyes, which are a clear dark grey and I have a strange mark on my left eyelid that looks kind of like a half heart with thorns.

"SNOW PEA! You're going to be late for your first day if you don't get up and stop talking to the mirror!" mom yelled down the stairs.

"I'm coming!" I pull on a green and black plaid skirt, white button up over a dark red tee-shirt, my black and purple high tops and run up the stairs to the main floor with my messenger bag in hand. "Bye mom I'll see you after school!"

The bus stop was just a short hike up a hill, and only about ten or fifteen of us were waiting on the bus.I pushed my head phones into my ears and tried to lose myself in to some pop song I had downloaded late the night before. A not so small group of girls gave me a once over as they walked up and immediately began whispering among themselves. "Great," I thought to myself, "haven't even gotten to school and the girls are already scared I'm going to be after their man. I could care less about their boys, I'm more of the "boys are a waste of time and I have a lot of life to live before I have to settle down and have kids" kind of girl." My thoughts were cut short as the bus pulled up. I kept my head down as I made my way to the back of the bus when a hand snaked out and blocked my way. The hand had a biker’s knuckle glove on it and the arm attached was clothed in a green and grey striped sleeve.

"And just where do you think you're going beautiful, hmm?" A low husky voice that slid across my skin asked. Without saying anything, I shoved the arm away, and without looking up I got to the lat seat in the back. I wanted to be as far away from the owner of that voice as I could. To bad I had to ride the bus and couldn't walk to ten miles to school.

That voice sent chills down my back and had the hair on my neck standing on end. What did he want, who was he, and why did him being around me make my body and mind feel so strange? The bus ride was too long to try and start up a conversation, so I didn't even try to talk to anyone. I just put my earphones back in and lost myself in my music. “Hey new kid get off the bus on your own or I’ll carry you, your choice.” That voice said. I practically ran off the bus. I managed to find the office in my mad rush to leave the bus area. "I'm looking for Mrs. Broun. I'm the new girl, so I’m a little lost" The little woman at the desk just kind of stared at me for a moment, then pointed to a door a little ways down the narrow hallway. "Thank you." The school was pretty much laid out like my last one, only my last school didn't have almost seven thousand kid's ether. "Today's going to be a long, long day." I whisper to myself as I knock on the door of my new personal death holder.

After about thirty minutes and a long talk about my behavior expectations with the principal,I'm sitting in a small classroom with a few guys and one other girl. What the heck!? A tall man with a soul patch on his chin walks in, that must be Faulk. "Good morning class. I see we have had another female join us in our shop today. Tell me, why did you chose wood shop... umm...," He shuffles through a few papers then continues, "Yuki, why not choose dance or another elective?" I let my eyes wander from my book, and look around the faces of everyone for a moment then answer. "I chose wood shop because I refuse to take ballet or tap, and I always hated being told what to draw and how to do it, same with cooking and band." With that I resume reading from the large volume on my work bench, I could feel the eyes of all the guys on me, but I never looked up to their faces. "What you don't dance beautiful? I thought you would be another one of the girls that fought like animals to win the leading role of the next schools next production." My eyes widen but I wouldn't look up, what was he doing here!? Was he following me or was I in my own personal hell. Faulk spoke to the mystery voice, "Tess, I see you have decided to join my class today, but your fifteen minutes late. What happened today, Marley decide to break your heart or something?" I could hear the grinding of teeth and a sharp intake of breath, but all I wanted to do was bolt for that open door. The only problem was that that open door was blocked by the most beautiful boy I had ever seen. “Actually Buck, Marley over dosed over the summer, so I'm a free soul once again, plus, I'm not late your clock is almost twenty minutes fast." The bell rang at his words.

I looked around the room for a moment to see where he would sit, only to figure it out to late, my bench was the only one with no partner. "Well Tess, looks like your siting with Yuki this semester and you better get used to it and quick, because it looks like she would love to kill you right about now.So what ever you did you better make nice." Falk began class soon after taking role and passing out his roles and a tone of other first day papers.Just as he started to get into his welcome back lecture. A cloud of hot pink smoke began to drift into the room from beneath the door. "QUICK! Everyone out of the room. Looks like Hanna blew up something in the lab already. Haha!" I didn't even have the time to stand before I was suddenly in some ones embrace being carried out into the hall then out into the court yard. The court yard was full of many other students, and I struggled to be released from Tess's arms but he was having none of that. Before I could get out of his arms, the whispers started and a light started to shine from between my hands. "What the fudge! What did you do Tess!?" I yelled at him as my hands began to burn from the strange glowing and a silent scream was ripped from my throat as an inky darkness consumed me.

I woke with sun streaming in my face and laying half on the ground and cradled against someones chest. How long had I been out for? Why did my hands burn and sting so badly? “Come on Yuki, wake up please, you've scared us enough … Oh God please wake up!” Tess’s voice was now filled with tears and pain. Opening my eyes and shielding them from the sun I tried to move only to have arms tighten around me. Why does he sound that way? My voice sounds like a machine in much need of a quart of oil. “I’m ok, but what happened, and why do my arms and legs hurt so much?” I ask as I sit up and look down at myself. My arms, from palm to elbow, are wrapped in thick bandages. My legs look no better.

Faulk is the one who answered, “Well when you fainted, blue-black smoke surrounded Tess and you and kind of well crystallized, it was a strange sight. Then when it cleared, well all your skin that wasn't covered by your clothes, besides your fingers and faces, were covered in burns and cuts.” I wanted to know why I had blacked out and why would smoke crystallize around me and him? I looked up at him searching his face for answers, if he knew anything, he gave nothing away. What was up with this school, and why did I feel it was all happening because of me meeting this boy Tess?

I had just been pulled to my feet when I heard more screaming. (>.> so much damn screaming) ‘What was happening at this school? ’ This thought ran through my head as I was yanked up and forward. ”Quick! We have to run!” A small girl screamed and kept pulling me. “Come we have to get inside before the drones get us! If they get us we will be sent to be sanitized, and trust me its not any fun.” The girl who pulled me was much smaller than me, yet so much stronger. We were almost to the door when a drone, a big and kind of flat bot, dropped between me and that damn door, that’s when the world went dark again.

*IN ANOTHER WORLD*

I awoke, (again why the hell do I keep waking up, I must have some problem) only this time I seemed to be floating in a strange liquid yet, like in space at the same time. No gravity. “Well look who’s finally waking up.” The woman’s voice was light and airy, but her image was unknown for I couldn't see her through the stuff that cradled me in its metaphorical arms. She was speaking again but I only caught the last bit of what she said. "Let’s get you out of the healing / Specimen tank.”

O.O I’m in a what!!!

“QUICK! Sedate her! She’s going to hurt herself thrashing about in the tank like that DON! MARK!” the doctor yelled. They did as she said and moments later my arms and legs became too heavy to lift or move.

Darkness surrounds me, then cool air encases my bruised and battered body. What had they done to me, and why did I feel as if I had been run over by two city buses then sat on by a rhino? My arms and legs are strapped down, and I’m set on a bed with bone white sheets that are slowly tinted grey from the liquid that rolls from my skin. “Where am I and who are you?” The words burst from my lips before I can stop them. My voice sounds too high and way to clear. The woman was the first to speak. “You are in Roxland, the land of your birth. You are the next in line for the thrown.” Her word ring in my ears, but I say nothing. I only lay there looking as if I would suddenly heave my last breath.

After an hour or so I begin to move, trying to work the bonds off my wrists. Two men in glittering white-blue coats walk into the room that is also my cell. Before I could think, words began to spill from my mouth at a speed I never knew I could speak. “Why am I here? My parents are both at work! My fathers a lawyer and my mother is a writer.” I pause and take a deep breath then continue. “I’m just a normal kid, nothing special. You have the wrong girl.” I force myself to stop and close my eyes, taking another deep breath to calm my racing mind and heart. Now was not the time to go into one of my panic attacks. ‘I know, this might just be one of those nightmares I have every once in a while. If I pinch myself, I should wake up. I always do in a dream like this.’ That was my thought, until I could feel the pain of my pinch and cried out. “No! This can’t be real! It can’t be!” I screamed and thrashed about till I had tired myself out to the point of passing out. I could do nothing more than lay there and wish I was home.

*With Tess*

Where is she? She was just here, I saw her!’ These thoughts ran through my head as I search for Yuki. “It’s no use Tess, she’s not here. She’s gone, like Marley, only this time she was taken by a drone. Which is strange they normally don’t take students.” The girl beside me said. “No! I will find her, Nigeri! I can still feel her.” I started down the hallway again, only this time I did not see the school, I saw another world. Nigeri stood there, taken aback at my tone. I had never once in her life raised my voice at her like he just had. She ground her teeth and yelled at my receding form, “Fine, find that stupid girl by yourself if she’s so important!” She then stomped away in the opposite direction. ‘Why do girls have to be so temperamental? I mean come on. If only she understood, Yuki was my missing piece, my light.’ The thought of my light being found made me stop and think; where could she be? I could still feel the feel of her lips on mine. So soft and warm unlike the other girls I had ever kissed. “Where are you beautiful? Please be safe and out of harm’s way.” With that said, I turned my face to the sky and let the warm wind carry my message to where ever she was.

The wind cannot be touched, tasted, seen or caught; but it can bring answers to the one it is meant for.

Comments & reviews · 3
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User avatar
acre Review
acre wrote a review · Mon Mar 02, 2015 6:12 pm

First of all, this is a great story so far. I never expected her to be kidnapped and taken to another world-really creative. You use great descriptive language. I just have a few comments:
-In the beginning you say she’s not the prettiest or skinniest girl, but later on in the story you make it seem as though a lot of boys like her, and that other girls are jealous of her. Is it her that thinks she’s not pretty or skinny, but other people think she is? Please make it clear whether this is her perception or other people’s.
-You say that she “run up the stairs to the main floor”, but it isn’t clear whether she lives in the basement, or just gets ready for school there. Please clarify.
-Would Yuki be describing herself to herself in her thoughts ( I could care less about their boys, I'm more of the "boys are a waste of time and I have a lot of life to live before I have to settle down and have kids" kind of girl.")? Maybe write this out of her thought train.
-You say that the bus ride was too long to start up a conversation- did you mean too short? Or was she too disturbed to talk to people?
-Was it the bus driver talking when you say “Hey new kid get off the bus on your own or I’ll carry you, your choice.”? Was it a school bus she was on, or a public bus (if it was a public bus, she wouldn’t be forced to get off at the school)? How does the bus driver know she was new?
-Why is she surprised when she goes to her first class? Because of the lack of people, or something else (you say that her other school “ . . . didn't have almost seven thousand kid's either.”, because if the previous school was a lot smaller, than wouldn’t she be used to small classes)? Why is the class so small, if there is almost 7,000 people in the school?
-Why does the teacher not like Tess? Was the teacher saying Tess was 15 minutes late just to get him in trouble? Why would the teacher know about Tess’s girlfriend?
-When the teacher mentions Marley, Tess ground his teeth and took a sharp breath, which makes it seem like he took the breakup hard, or hasn’t gotten over Marley yet; which doesn’t make sense since he seems to really like Yuki.
-Would a teacher say ‘"Well Tess, looks like your siting with Yuki this semester and you better get used to it and quick, because it looks like she would love to kill you right about now.So what ever you did you better make nice."’, even if the teacher didn’t like the person he/she was talking to? Maybe add a different threat for Tess, unrelated to Yuki? Why did Yuki look like she loved to kill Tess?
-Why did the teacher say “Haha” when he realized someone had blown up something in the lab? Did he like excitement? It’s not clear why he said this.
-Why did Yuki assume that it was Tess that did something? Maybe it would be more appropriate for her to not blame anyone for her blacking out.
-In speech, would anyone say “healing / Specimen” (the slash)? Choose just one to have her say.
-In the end, where Tess talks about Yuki being his light, my main question is: why does he talk about Yuki so intimately when he barely knows her?
A few general notes:
Fix the punctuation, grammar, spelling, and capitalization mistakes.
Overall, the story is really good. Keep writing!

User avatar
Barbilo
Review

You have a great imagination Dancingtreeelf. When I started reading the story, I did not expect that twist. Great story, here is my review and what you can improve on:

- Your opening line is epic. This way we get to meet Yuki on a personal level.

- Tess's obsession Yuki is hard to believe. You mentioned that Yuki is actually average looking so its quite questionable that boys would be all over her the minute they see her. Even so, the character Tess comes off as very possessive and also dangerous for Tess, which may cause the reader not to like him.

- When using first person point of view (I), we can never see the other persons thoughts. First point of view, in this case should limit the reader to Yuki's experience otherwise it is very confusing. In the closing paragraphs, it was very hard to understand that we were now looking from Tess's point of view.

If you'd like to use Tess's point of view, try third person point of view and use past tense.

- There are a lot of grammatical and punctuation errors. They are too many to list.

- This: " A low husky voice that slid across my skin asked." The voice did not slide across her skin, his hand did, so rephrase this sentence.

- It is hard to believe that she didn't glimpse even the back of his head or something on this long bus journey. He didn't even turn to look at her? Also, she was listening to music when he spoke to her, so how did she hear?

" I just put my earphones back in and lost myself in my music. “Hey new kid get off the bus on your own or I’ll carry you, your choice.” That voice said. I practically ran off the bus. "

- Separate the dialogue from the paragraphs, this makes it easier to read.

- When Faulk mentioned that Marley overdosed, it gives the reader an impression that she is dead, which she isn't. So did Tess break up with her after she overdosed, mention how he got rid of her.

- I don't think there is enough reason for Yuki to be so scared of a stranger she hasn't seen. You mention that he makes her feel a certain way so Yuki should at least want to find out, right?


- Faulk spoke to the mystery voice. Then... “Actually Buck, Marley over dosed over the summer, so I'm a free soul once again,"

Tess calls Faulk Buck, so what is Faulks name? Buck or Faulk?

You mispelt the name here too:" Falk began class soon after taking role.


- Emoticons in a novel are a bit confusing. Just explain with words and avoid putting words in brackets, asterisks or slash. e.g.

(>.> so much damn screaming)

*IN ANOTHER WORLD*

I awoke, (again why the hell do I keep waking up, I must have some problem)

"Let’s get you out of the healing / Specimen tank.”

O.O I’m in a what!!!


Here you go. Your imagination is great. I wonder what will happen to Yuki so don't give up on your story. Clean up the grammar and you're all good. :)



To be a master of metaphor is the greatest thing by far. It is the one thing that cannot be learnt from others, and it is also a sign of genius.
— Aristotle, Poetics