Published May 24, 2010
Looking through the glass of society, all I see is pain.
Why is it to me that the grass isn't green? All I see is faded colours.
And as you call to me through the trees;
all I can see is your unrequited happiness and wish to heaven that there was none.
Because looking through this glass, I realise, that it was not clean.
idk if it makes sense(: I've never really done poetry
-Dalliance(:
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Euh, parce que je suis en train de parler français pour Dalliance. Comme une blague, ce qui est. Je lui ai dit que j'allais prendre la parole tout en français pour elle, juste pour énerver. Je me suis dit off pour que, si mon français ... et c'est vraiment la merde. Donc, désolé si vous ne comprenez pas certaines d'entre elles haha.
Merci ah(:, certaines personnes me disent que je devrais faire mon poème devrait être plus longue, maintenant vous me dites qu'il devrait être plus longue et tu me dis de faire plus court! confusion lol, haha j'aime faire de courts poèmes de toute façon.
Auteur: Pourquoi avez-vous écrit votre revue en français? Nous sommes curieuses.
Dalliance: je pense que c'est un peu trop long, ce serait plus efficace si c'etait plus courte.
Hi!
I like the idea of this, but i think it could be executed better. But, if you're new to poetry then that's great- ideas are where everything comes from, right? So, soon with some practise you'll be able to write your ideas down into fabulously technical poems!
Firstly, the poem is very short. Some poems do work with only a few lines, but this one doesn't. However, it could be easily broken up. For example, line 2 and 4 could be halved, maybe put onto seperate lines to lengthen it and make it flow more smoothly. Also, with such a broad idea, you could always add more to it.
Unrequited happiness? What is that? It sounds pretty sad, but what do you actually mean by this... elaborate more, go into more depth!
My favourite thing about this is the "Glass of society." What a brilliant metaphor! It created a lot of imagery in my head and make me want to read on. The idea of society being glass, something so fragile and completely unrelated to what it really is was great! Very Salvador Dali in a way!
Hope this helps
Helen.
Hi,
I like the idea here and the final image is great.
I'd try rewriting this with less direct commentary, for example, instead of telling the reader "All I see is faded colours", describe them.
I think "unrequited happiness" is a little obscure-instead I'd look at specific images which trigger these emotions.
The best thing you can do for your poetry is read poetry. There are some great anthologies out there which are a good starting point.
Hope this helps,
Jas
Euh, je ne sais pas comment revue de poésie. Parce que cela arrive dans toutes les sortes, donc je vais le laisser pour les professionnels. Anywhos, je l'ai aimé. Il a donné une sorte de ... se sentir fraîches. Faites-en un peu plus longtemps peut-être? C'est une bonne idée. Et aussi ... la quatrième ligne, je serais probablement le diviser en quelque sorte. C'est un peu trop ... pas d'installation. Parce que les deux autres sont courts. Quoi qu'il en soit ... bien fait. Continuez d'écrire!