Heartbreak

KD here to review your story, piece by piece!

Dalliance wrote:"It was nothing babe, I didn't even mean for it to happen,." If only I could believe his words.
"It was just a slip -up."

Dalliance wrote:I can't even look at him anymore.
But, I love him so much. He was my first. How could he do this to me? I'm was sure he was my soul mate. It's like someonehe has ripped out my heart, cut it up then tried to shove it back in place.

After he told me about his "slip-up", all I could do was leave. "The pig!" I muttered, walking down his empty street,. "THE PIG!"

Dalliance wrote:Coincidentally the weather matched my mood, greygray and angry ...threatningthreatening to rain. I kept walking, I knew where I was going. I was going to visit Mum. She was the only one who could comfort me.

Dalliance wrote:We were really close. And wWhen she went, he was there for me, and now I have no one. Dad doesn't count, w. When Mum left he took up drinking everyday ... I don't think he's been sober since then. It was kinda good, having him not notice Having him not notice what?. But now...Nnow I have never felt so alone.

Dalliance wrote:I turned into the gates, the big iron sign over the gate post saying 'Rockerferry Cemetery'. Funny, that name reminds me of music and water. I let out a low chuckle, aAfter everything, I think of something random like that.

Dalliance wrote:My mothers grave is next to an old lone willow on top of small hill, kinda picturesque, I guess you could say.

I sat down and hugged the cool marble grave stone and let out my anguish.

"HE ... MADE ... ME COME TO HIS HOUSE TO TELL ME! TO TELL ME THAT HE BROKE US!"
And slowly I told her everything, through tears. I knew she was there. After at least two hours I realisedrealized, it's just heartbreak. And life goes on. No matter how dead you are inside.

Dalliance wrote:"It was nothing babe, I didn't even mean for it to happen." If only i<--CAPITAL!!!! could believe his words.
"It was just a slip up" Okey dokess. Dialogue!! Lol. Put a comma instead of a full stop for the first sentence. Because, having a comma means that the character is going to talk again, but maybe just not at that moment. Having a fullstop, well, it sort of ends it all. For the second sentence, put a full stop. Because as far as I can see...the guy doesn't talk again. So the end. Yaaa digg? Dawg...
I cant even look at him anymore.
I love him so much. Whoah, random jump there. From "I can't even look at him anymore. to I love him so much. Maybe change it to "I can't even look at him anymore...but, I love him so much. Eh eh eh? He was my first. How could he do this to me? I'm sure he was my soulmate. It's like someone has ripped out my heart, cut it up then tried to shove it back in place. <--Nice.

After he told me about his 'slip up', "" instead of ''? Because you're quoting.all I could do was leave. "The pig!" I muttered to myself "THE PIG!" as I walked down the empty street. So I'm sensing a bit of setting creation going on here Veerryyy nice *Borat voice*. You might wana elaborate more, though. Because, like, it's just sorta random. Just a street. Out of no where. Start the setting off from the beginning if you can, it doesn't even have to be detailed. Also, the whole pig sentence is a bit backwards. It's good and expressive, but written a little oddly (for me, that is.) You could perhaps change it to: "The pig!" I muttered, walking down the empty street, "THE PIG!"

Coincidentally the weather matched my mood, grey and angry .. threatning to rain. <--Me like! I kept walking, I knew where I was going. I was going to visit Mum. She was the only one who could comfort me.

We were really close. And when she went, he was there for me, and now I have no one. Dad doesnt count, when Mum diedleft (because you want the mystery until the end, right?) he took up drinking everyday .. I dont think hes been sober since then. It was kinda good, having him not notice. But now. Now I have never felt so alone.

I turned into the gates of the cemetery, Hmm...I still think the mystery can wait longer, maybe just have "I turned into the gates; the big iron sign over the gate post saying Rockerferry Cemetery. Funny, that name reminds me of music and water. I let out a low chuckle, after everything, I think of something random like that.

My mothers graveBOOM BABY. There's ya bang. There it is. The waiting is over is next to an old lone willow on top of small hill, kinda picturesque, I guess you could say.

I sat down and hugged the cool marble grave stone and let out my anguish.

"HE .. MADE .. ME COME TO HIS HOUSE TO TELL ME! TELL ME THAT HE BROKE US!"
And slowly I told her everything, through tears. I knew she was there. After atSPACEleast two hours I realised, its just heartbreak. And life goes on. No matter how dead you are inside.

I just have to move on.



crazy story. lol i hope you like it, i havent proofed or anything . .

I like this piece quite a lot, as it shows how vunerable people can be, but you could take out the bit where it says:
"eventhough she wasnt really here" and "She died when I was fourteen".Keep the fact that she is dead until the end of the story, but other than that, it was a good story! Keep it up!