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The sun and moon

by DakotaMoon


if you’ve heard of the sun

Then you’ve heard of the moon

And how their love was so tragic

And died so soon

But everyday they wake

And every night they sleep

Just so the other can take the time to breathe

But one night a lifetime

They meet in the sky

To confess their love

Before one chooses to die

And so this love story will be one to remember

The sun, the moon, their love from the centre


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16 Reviews


Points: 1769
Reviews: 16

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Tue Aug 18, 2020 11:04 pm
grainne wrote a review...



Hi!

This is such a fun poem. I've never seen something along this premise before, so it was fun to read. You don't make it overly complicated, yet you have a complete story told in a beautiful way. I did notice that the very first word isn't capitalized, but I'm assuming that's just a typo. :)

My main feedback would be on your punctuation. Usually, if it's possible and doesn't affect the tone of the poem, it's a good idea to include some sort of punctuation. As a reader, I pause where the lines break and where there are periods or commas. Where I pause can really affect how the poem sounds and the tone that it has. I'd suggest reading the poem out loud and including punctuation wherever you naturally pause.

To give an example, if this was a submission to my journal, I'd ask the author if we could change the first part to this:

"If you've heard of the sun,
Then you've heard of the moon,
How their love was so tragic
And died so soon."

If you add some punctuation and maybe stanza breaks, that will make it possible to cut out some of the introductory words. You are currently using a lot of words like "And, And, But, And, But" to start your sentences. We usually call these "ease-in" words. For a short poem like this, it's great if we can get right to the point. If it's possible to cut out some of these "ease-in" words, that would add a little more variety to the way your lines are starting and get right to the point of your line.

Overall, you did a fantastic job! This was such a fun and sweet poem to read. I highly encourage you to consider submitting it for publication somewhere. Keep on writing, and thanks for sharing your work!




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51 Reviews


Points: 3844
Reviews: 51

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Fri Aug 14, 2020 10:24 pm
VioletFantasy wrote a review...



Hello!

VioletFantasy here to give you a review and welcome you to YWS! If you ever have questions or need anything else, feel free to contact me! Now, onto the review.

I really really REALLY like this poem! It was simple, but so sweet. My favorite part of it was:

But one night a lifetime

They meet in the sky

To confess their love

Before one chooses to die


This is very romantic and holds a lot of truth in it. I’m guessing you are talking about eclipses? It’s a really genius idea to include that in a poem about the sun and moon. It really ties the whole poem together.

One more thing that I would like to mention is the very beginning. The first two lines remind me of someone telling a story, which is the perfect way to start a poem with this topic!

Overall, this is an absolutely amazing poem, and I can’t believe it is your first one on YWS! I’m looking forward to reading more wonderful stories from you. Keep writing!





When I was young, I admired clever people. Now that I am old, I admire kind people.
— Abraham Heschel