9 years ago....
“You can’t leave now.....I...I...I don’t know who else to play with. I know we’ve known each other for only a few days and you have to go back to your mom and dad in the city. I’m sure your grandpa will understand if I ask him to let you stay back. But please.....please don’t go!” she said sobbing. Her cheeks went red and she wouldn’t lift her head off my shoulder. “Please!”
As the sun set and the town below lay overshadowed by the peak of Mount. Hikari, where sat under the warm embrace of the cherry blossom trees.
“Don’t worry” I said and lifted her head up and looked her straight in the eyes. “Wherever I go......I’ll never forget you...your my best friend! .....after all...I know you would think the same about me even when I’m gone. Right?”
She rubbed her tears dry and I stood there waiting for an uncertain response. She smiled....and that was all I needed to see.
“Before I go, I wanted to ask you something”
”What is it?”She asked.
“I know we know each other since a long time but, you never told me your name and it’s only fair you told me by now since you know my name and you promised me you would tell me on the last day before I left.......so will you please tell me your name!” I said while blushing and closed my eyes.
“Was that all you wanted to ask?” she said and broke down laughing “Gosh Yuuki.......you blush like a total baby for asking something as simple as that”
“Humph! Like I would leave town and head back to Tokyo without knowing your name” said I turning my head away
“He he.....all right “she said and smiled and told me.....
Present time....
“Hey Yuuki....Big brother? .......Hey!” Said a curly haired girl about the same age as a middle school student who was as feisty and mean to me as always. It was my little sister. “Snap out of it. You’ve been acting strange ever since we boarded this train....something bugging you?” she asked with a smirk
It took me a while to return to reality from a strange memory I couldn’t recall
“I’m fine Shiya....only a matter of time before we make it to.........”
“Attention all passengers! We are about to reach Mikazuki station in ten minutes. Please be sure not to leave any unattended luggage. We wish you a wonderful stay in our countryside paradise” said a lady through the speaker of our compartment.
“I can’t wait to see grandpa! I bet he’ll be surprised if I told him I was his granddaughter. After all he is going to see me for the first time” said Shiya excitedly.
“I’m sure he’ll be stoked to meet you” I assured Shiya and looked out of the window.
As the train neared the station I thought to myself “who was that girl? .... Do I know her? Or was this exhausting trip messing with my thoughts?”
Either way I couldn’t tell.....
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
This is my first review, so apologies if it's a bit weird. First of all, I like the suspense. The character's words at the beginning really give off a feeling of desperation, too.
"As the sun set and the town below lay overshadowed by the peak of Mount. Hikari, where sat under the warm embrace of the cherry blossom trees." I don't really understand this sentence, specifically "where sat under the warm embrace of the cherry blossom trees." I'm thinking that it's talking about the two girls sitting there, but it's still a bit confusing to me.
Okay, Dakhar. Brace yourself for your first review in YWC!
A guy has a distant memory of a girl whom he probably left at an early age. This is a decent enough prologue of a novel.
Here's a few suggestions:
"“You can’t leave now.....I...I...I don’t know who else to play with."
You have this tendency of putting a lot of dots (like this......) together. I understand what you're trying to do, but you're doing it a little too much. Don't overuse this technique or else it'll just irritate your reader.
"As the sun set and the town below lay overshadowed by the peak of Mount. Hikari, where sat under the warm embrace of the cherry blossom trees."
You don't need the full-stop after the word "Mount". And the second clause in this sentence is messy. I'm sure you can work on it.
"your my best friend! "
It should be: "you're my best friend!"
I like your writing style. It's a good start to your novel and I'm looking forward to the next chapters.
KEEP WRITING.
Thank you Tawsif for your valuable review
This surely is my first work and grammatical errors is something i am sure to keep in mind for my future works.
Also, I will keep in mind to reduce the number of dots while writing the story so you as well as other readers will receive satisfaction and enjoy the Novel
You're most welcome.