“This mission is going to be revolutionary! Life-changing! The universe will never be seen the same again. Right Sarge?”
“Indeed it will be. This’ll be a success.”
That’s what I had thought. That’s what we all thought when we boarded what may be our final flight. The younger astronauts didn’t seem to grasp the weight of the situation. They joked around, playfully pushed each other, and generally seemed to be a group of good friends going on an adventure.
We weren’t ever going to see earth again. The expedition to Mars was a one-way trip. As we buckled ourselves into our seats, the solemnity of the present descended upon us like fog during the dawn of a rainy day. Everyone became silent.
“Take off in 10…9…8…7…”
Our rocket began to shake as if in anticipation of its upcoming flight, causing my brain to rattle in my skull.
“Sarge?” the youngest astronaut of our team, a bright, young girl with a curly mane of hair spoke up. “We’re not ever going to see our homes again, are we?” Her large, doe-like eyes seemed to grow misty.
I gave the most comforting look I can pull off. “Don’t worry Alison. Mars will be our home.” I grinned. “We’ll be the first Martians!”
Alison giggled. This small, but precious gesture eased the tension of everyone in the room.
“3…2…1...! Initiating take off.” The operator said in a hushed tone.
“Take a good long look at Earth now. This’ll be the last we see of it.” I whispered. Everyone looked longingly out the window. A light breeze picked up and the nearby trees and grass seemed to wave at us and salute the humans in the large spacecraft that they’ll never see again. The rocket took off in a cloud of fire and smoke. The skies came closer and closer while the earth retreated farther and farther from us. We were all enveloped with a sense of wonder tinged with what might’ve been fear.
Nothing, however, would’ve prepared us for what was ahead. Nothing was going to be able to save us from the fate we have out there beyond the comforting embrace of our planet. Nothing, would’ve saved us from the malfunction.
5:00
I truly held everyone dear to me. This mission was doomed to fail and I knew it. But that didn’t mean I needed to let all the others knew about their inevitable deaths. Our rocket was never meant to make it to our destination, despite the engineers’ best effort. I took a deep breath.
4:00
Alison was the first to realize. That girl was definitely one of a kind. Intelligent, outspoken, beautiful. She had such a future ahead of her. A future she gave up for this expedition. I wished she would be the last of us to go, but wishes don’t always come true. The way the fire in her eyes seemed to flicker out would haunt me for as long as I’m alive.
3:00
Mars came into sight; a single large entity in the middle of the suffocating, dark space. Not that it mattered. Our ship is gone. My team is dead. And I only have so long to live. I thought of all the things I regret. My wife. My friends. My team. So much to say to them, and no time to do it. The black, cold space swallowed any dream, and hope that I had tried to hold on to. I was going to die out here. And no one would be able to retrieve my body.
2:00
My time is running out, but I am strangely calm. There’s nothing that can hurt me too much anymore. My entire body is numb and stiff, and the emptiness held me in a fatal embrace. It’s so dark. I had imagined space to be filled with the brilliance of distant stars, but the said stars are indeed distant. They twinkled and winked, millions of light years away, and silently laughed and mocked the fragile little humans who thought they could try to reach them. Twinkle, twinkle little star, how far away and cold you are.
1:00
I closed my eyes, savoring my last breaths of air. The world began to fade and a crushing feeling squeezed my dying lungs. My arms jerked to my throat as an instinct, but there was nothing I can do to stop this. I took a deep breath.
0:00
WARNING
OXYGEN TANK EMPTY
WARNING…
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,798 Reviews
This was great! It kind of reminds me of "The Martian". You really know how to grip the reader's attention. Watching the tone go from so hopeful and excited to so desperate and dire...wow. The story's short but I still feel like I went on a journey. Didn't see any grammar mistakes or sentences that could use restructuring, every thing looks pretty much perfect. Don't really have anything to critique.I think you have something here for a longer piece. Maybe a novella, or just a longer short story. That would also allow you to explore more about the malfunction actually happening. I would definitely read that! Great job on this!
- Sofia
Thank you! I'm going to write a follow-up that focuses mainly on the events leading up to the untimely deaths of the astronauts and the malfunction itself. So yeah!
This has a gripping narrative! The intro sentence was grabbing and hooked the reader. I applaud you for this. Of course there are small things that are inaccurate in the beginning of the story. (Of course I don't mean you have to be an expert in these things, but it should still be slightly believable. The, fake it till you make it, approach is good advice here.) Like, if the pilot knew the program was going to fail ahead of time, then that would be a serious problem. Especially since there are thousands of scientists who dedicate their lives to that type of work in reality, sharing information, working together. It just would not make sense for the pilot to be the only one who knows. Literally everybody would know if the spaceship was not ready for launch. Of course if their was an unforeseen malfunction that would make the story much more powerful. If the pilot felt guilty, and distraught for not knowing better, for not realizing in time, for not double checking all the modules, and all the charts etc. The Pilot already knowing about the malfunction takes away from the story.
The jump between the, "successful," lift off, and the, "slowly dying in space," left me wanting to read about what happened during the malfunction. Jumping over this vital, and very intense thing, without warning in my opinion, also takes away from the story. The story itself is already gripping, and tugs at the heart strings, but if you had written the scene where the malfunction happens, dooming the entire crew, the story itself would be even more emotional.
Thank you for the review! The prompt I wrote this off of was "Write about a countdown" so I admit I didn't entire focus well on the malfunction itself. I probably will write about the malfunction and the reactions/last moments of the rest of the crew and add it to the story at a later time. Thank you once again for telling me! I appreciate the critique.