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Don´t Touch My Milk You Fiend.

by Daguerreo


“Ignore it and it will go away.”

What a great motto to live by. Backhanded compliments from colleagues at work? Ignore it. Roommate uses your butter again and sullies it with breadcrumbs? Ignore it. Prolonged periods of dissociation resulting from an “astute lack of human empathy”? What do the psychologists know—they’re not considered real doctors in my mind.

Ignore it.

People expected too much from me anyway—that level of commitment isn’t healthy. And once those chains of expectation were tossed to the curb, the new outlook I've achieved has been oh so much easier. Especially now that I’m not the one whose at fault. Things are just. Free-er, you know? 

This new outlook's made me aware of a few things.



For one, that little voice in my head made me realize what biological waste was sharing my apartment. Years, no centuries, of trial-by-fire evolution, slowly and painstakingly rooting out all imperfections in the human line as nature ran its purifying course; all culminating in this utter waste of human being. I couldn't look at this man without seeing his ancestors' ashamed faces hovering dejectedly in my peripherals. It got so bad, I couldn't be in the same room without falling to heated, under-breath debates with said voice. And let me tell you, it got oh so convincing. I—no, NATURE could only stand so much. Something had to be done. My whole new outlook was at stake and he was crushing it—and my take-out Chipotle—with his grimy little fingers. So when said roommate decided to play hookie from the university for 3 weeks straight, I knew that was the last straw. The one slip needed to send me over the edge. And my gosh, that little voice never gave such practical advice since I quit paying taxes (more on that later).

We had always rubbed each other the wrong way—personality clash or whatever you want to call it, I don't care. Let me ask you this though: what decent person steals someone else's milk? They don’t. No normal, society-contributing person does that. But that's because he wasn’t a normal, society-contributing person—I had to start marking how full my milk jug was so I could tell when he was leeching off me. I'm the one who got the job at the greasy burger joint. I'm entitled to drink my own calcium juice. Thank you.



Get this though, I come back at 11:00 p.m. after quitting said job—so I was already in a bad mood—and this weed-wacker of a man was refilling it back up to the line with water

This gowk—this utter foot fungi. 

So he didn’t appreciate the space he was taking up? Fine then. Someone else would. It was a quick fix really—the hardest part was finding where to relocate him. I figured he’d probably appreciate the attic more than the dust bunnies would. 

It seems a bit drastic, I know—and admittedly I was second guessing myself too at that point, but then I remembered that he was only an art major. Not like he would be contributing much to society anyway. To smooth everything over though, I donated all his art supplies to the children’s hospital. They saw way more use there than they would’ve otherwise—better results too.

A few blissfully quiet months later and this cop shows up and starts asking about a college student that went missing a few months back. A kid around my age from New Jersey who moved out here to major in graphic design or some other kind of useless humanitarian subject—got all huffy with me when I didn’t know who the crap he was talking about. Good sir, I don’t care enough to remember the names of my own parental units; and you expect me to somehow remember every arbitrary human being I come into contact with?

This man then had the audacity to ask why there were "suspicious stains" on my couch. My guy, I know I’m out 2 months without a job and can’t afford to buy stain-removal, but there's no need to point out my destituteness.

It wasn’t hard to see that this guy was sub-par at his job: asking the wrong questions, knocking on the wrong doors, and not adhering to common decency. I already had my patience stretched thin over Daylight Savings as it was, so really not the best time to be pointing fingers at my Craigslist furniture. Beyond that, the man had me just ever so slightly concerned when considering he was part of the local law-enforcement. Really, how can people be expected to rest easy when their policemen are as much at fault as the people they’re arresting? My gosh—I had a  niece of some kind who lived in the area, last time I checked.

I couldn't just let him run amuck, my civic duty wouldn't allow it. So I decided to help my fellow men by quite literally killing two birds with one stone. You’re welcome. Now he can keep my roommate company in the attic.

I think it was later that same night—I finished up my Christmas shopping, thanked the nice old lady at the counter, and was leaving the Dollar Tree when a parade’s worth of police cars sped past and down the icy street; sirens blaring and everything like tomorrow wasn’t a holiday or anything. I just stood in the doorway, winding up my scarf in a European knot, and watched as the whole procession swerved into my dinky….apartment complex not two blocks away…

Hm.

I started down the street in the other direction, my grocery bag straining precariously with my load of Pringles and off-brand animal crackers. The thought then occurred to me: "Do police even get the holidays off?"

They don’t—as it turns out. And for the record, the idea of “ignore it and it’ll go away” doesn’t apply to being run down by the state militia. Unfortunately.


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1019 Reviews

Points: 67
Reviews: 1019

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Sat Aug 28, 2021 6:50 pm
vampricone6783 wrote a review...



This was hilarious and fun! I enjoyed reading this.My favorite part was when the narrator got annoyed at their roommate for drinking their milk,which caused the main character to murder the roommate.It shows you what kind of person the narrator is.I love the fact that the main character's motto is:"Ignore it and it will go away." This says so much about the character and how they don't care about much in their life.Great Job!




Daguerreo says...


Yeah, he%u2019s built a little different hAha
Thanks for the review!



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25 Reviews

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Reviews: 25

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Thu Aug 12, 2021 12:52 am
VintageGirl says...



10/10 just for the phrase "calcium juice"




Daguerreo says...


HAh! I%u2019m glad you liked it, my humor is broken XD



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11 Reviews

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Thu Aug 05, 2021 3:49 pm
anneonomus wrote a review...



Wow, I absolutely loved this story! You have amazing comedic timing, and the unreliable narrator really adds an extra layer of humor to it. The grandiose, pretentious manner of speaking, obvious biases, and moral justification of the narrator work really well in establishing their character and the tone of the story. It's just enough to give the reader pause about the narrator's nature while not being too much to immediately clue us in that the narrator is going to commit murders, though when they do it doesn't seem like a deviation from their established character.
One note— in the line,

What do the physiologists know

did you mean to write "psychologists" instead of "physiologists"? It seems like "psychologists" or even "psychiatrists" would fit better in the context you're going for.
Other than that, I don't think I have anything to add. This is a fantastic story, and I hope to read more from you in the future!




Daguerreo says...


Oh woops%u2014nah that was typo, my b (%u2299%u25BD%u2299)
Thanks for pointing it out!



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15 Reviews

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Thu Aug 05, 2021 12:07 pm
Rodionandaxe wrote a review...



Hello there, I am Rodion and I am going to write a little review,

First and foremost, I absolutely LOVE this story. It made my day, I was giggling throughout. I totally adore characters with twisted ideals, especially those who defend their beliefs with sound reason. The first person view that you gave us made the story all the more entertaining. The subtlety of the act and indirect conclusion makes it quite wholesome. Its feels good to read a well knit story, and this is one of them.

It seems a bit drastic, I know—and admittedly I was second guessing myself too at that point, but then I remembered that he was only an art major. Not like he would be contributing much to society anyway. To make myself feel better though, I donated all his art supplies to the children’s hospital. They saw way more use there than they would’ve otherwise—better results too.

This one was my personal favourite. The justification, the so called clearing of guilt and the satisfaction really gives it a human sort of feel, as in your character doesn't feel artificial but very real.

I'm entitled to drink my own calcium juice.

This is hilarious.. Its always great to see a new name for common place things. Especially literal names like this.

This gowk—this utter foot fungus.

New insults are always delightful (at least I have never heard this one before. definitely gonna try it on my siblings)

Good sir, I often forget which side of the road I'm on sometimes; am I supposed to somehow remember every human being I come into contact with? This man then had the audacity to ask why there were "suspicious stains" on my couch. My guy, I know I’m out 2 months without a job and can’t afford to buy stain-removal, but there's no need to point out my destituteness.

The dissatisfaction and irritability of the narrator here is awesomely portrayed. You've done a great job in making a relatable character out of a sociopath.

I couldn't just let him run amuck, my civic duty wouldn't allow it. So I decided to help my fellow men by quite literally killing two birds with one stone. You’re welcome. Now he can keep my roommate company in the attic.

The narrator is very convinced about the righteousness of his deed. So very humorously convinced.

Now I am not much of an expert at prose so I don't have many suggestions to offer. But an ending where the narrator's dissatisfaction and belief in self righteousness is preserved would perhaps make it more true to character. Its of course your story so its your choice.

I truly enjoyed it. Keep writing such great stories <3




Daguerreo says...


Ah thanks <3
And thanks for the feedback!




Too bad all the people who know how to run this country are busy running taxicabs or cutting hair.
— George Burns