Breath of Blood

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm Knight Hardy here on a mission to ensure that all works on YWS has at least two reviews. You will probably never see this but....Imma do this anyway.

First Impression: Overall this sounds like it would make quite an awesome prologue and you've done a great job with introducing what seems like it could be quite an interesting plot. I hope to run into some later chapters of this as I scout my way through this area.

Anyway let's get right to it,

The hushed footsteps of the wizard bounced off the rocks of the dimly lit cavern. Looking closer through the murky mist the person wore a long light blue cape that flowed down across the floor. Under the Blue hood laid two piercing opal black eyes that darted everywhere except the hand in his left pocket, which he had never moved since the journey. In the other hand he gripped a long twisted, dusky branch with an amber crystal fused into its core.

Oooh...that is quite the entrance that you've got right there. Starting things off with some very mysterious and eye catching descriptions...quite a good start that you've got here.

At the end of the cavern stood a huge set of magnificent black iron doors carved with foreign patterns and symbols, weaving in and out from the dense metals. Suddenly the mage dug deeper into his pocket, as if trying to find something, panicked but at that instant the cool gold of the small curved box welcomed his touch. He sighed with relief, but as he looked at the gleaming surface, even if he could, he dare not open it.

Uh oh...and now we have a mysterious also within the first two paragraphs...well this gets more intriguing by the minute.

He thudded his staff three times against the metal doors and after a few seconds the gentle ticking of clockwork slowly opened the entrance bit by bit.

That last part sounds just a bit awkward there tagged onto the sentence. It could probably do without that.

Just at that moment a howl sounded and echoed throughout every dark corner of the cavern, and the wizard shook with a moment of fear. They’ve caught my scent he thought desperately. The patter of paw steps was only a stones throw away, he couldn’t see them, but he knew they were getting nearer and nearer.

Ooops...I kind of want to think that's a guard dog but considering the rest of this story so far I somehow don't think its just a regular guard dog.

Closer. Closer. Closer. Until he could almost feel the tainted breathe of the foul creature on his neck. It jumped and in a split second the mage made a decision, one which would affect everything that was to come and had come before. In one swift motion he pulled the golden box out and flipped open the lid.

Oh dear...well it definitely was not a regular guard dog.

The bloodhound burned in the unnatural light and tired to flee but was too late and disintegrated into the elaborate stone floor of the murky cavern. The other bloodhounds were nowhere to be seen.

Okay...well that looks like quite a powerful box that you've got right there.

A Ring of kin to face the hope and fire

The ring to rouse the dead and infect the wound

To the breaking hearts of mans desire.

Well I ain't going to be judging the rhyming scheme on that thing because that's not my strong suit but it does sound like a pretty cool little prophecy that you've got right there.

The was a small circular object woven in a sea blue linen with golden marks sewn into the corners. He tried to touch is the he gave a gasp as it burnt his hand.

Nice little touch of description there.

A Ring of kin to face the hope and fire

The ring to rouse the dead and infect the wound

To the breaking hearts of mans desire.

Umm...not sure if repeating that is really the best idea. Sure its helping get across what the rest of the story is conveying but you want to maybe cut that in half and put some of them dots like you've done below for this one as well.

“WHO ARE YOU TO QUESTION THE WORDS OF THE ONE?” The voice boomed. And the mage now sank to his knees, clutching his head.

Okay...well that is definitely a ridiculously powerful box and I love how its acted so far...

A Ring of kin to face the hope and fire

Joseph slammed the box shut and lay on his back thanking the almighty heavens that the voice of evil and darkness itself had been banished into the box.

Phew...well that got really intense really fast...

But what he didn’t realise that when he opened the box he broke a barrier, one that could never be rebuilt, and when he touched the blue cloth he awoke the demon, the second ring that had laid dormant for over three hundred generations. The mage thought it had ended, but it had only just begun.

Because the Age of the Kings had ended, and a new age had formed at that very moment the Mage opened the box. The age of hope and fire- and revenge.

Trust me, the ring would get its revenge.

Oooh that's an awesome way to be finishing off a start right there...sounds like it might be an awesome prologue for quite story...although the sudden switch to the narrator telling us directly was slightly weird because it seemed to be in this mage's POV the whole time before that.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

Overall: Overall this was quite a fun little story...I barely had a couple of nitpicks...I spent most of that review just pointing out how awesome everything was...xD...anyways that's it for now.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry

well, im here, and it is time to get to work...

Daft Vader UK wrote:The Breath of Blood



The hushed footsteps of the Wizard (if you want it capitalized, then capitalise the word "the" too, otherwise, keep it lower case.)bounced off the rocks of the dim(ly) lit cavern. Looking closer through the murky mist the person (saying "the person" is bland...) wore a long light blue cape that flowed down across the floor. Under the Blue hood laid two piercing opal black eyes that darted everywhere except the hand in his left pocket, which he had never moved since the journey. In the other hand he gripped a long twisted, dusky branch with an amber crystal fused into the core (core of what?).
At the end of the cavern stood a huge set of magnificent black iron doors; (no need for semicolon) carved with foreign patterns and symbols, weaving in and out from the dense metals. Suddenly(,) the Mage (again, no need for caps. not a proper noun)dug desperately (if you want to use the word desperately, put it later, or else it seems the "WIZARD!" is digging into the ground) deeper into his pocket, as if trying to find something, panicked but at that instant the cool gold of the small curved box welcomed his touch. He sighed with relief, but as he looked at the gleaming surface, even if he could, he dare not open it.
He thudded his staff three times against the metal doors and after a few seconds the gentle ticking of clockwork slowly opened the entrance bit by bit. (reorder this sentence)
Just at that moment a Howl (no need for caps) sounded and echoed throughout every dark corner of the cavern, and the Wizard (no need for caps) shook with a moment of fear. They’ve caught my scent he thought desperately(used this word already. find another). The patter of paw steps was only a stones throw away,(semicolon, not comma) he couldn’t see them, but he knew they were getting nearer and nearer.
Closer. Closer. Closer. Until he could almost feel the tainted breathe of the foul creature on his neck. It jumped and in a split second the Mage (caps = no) made a decision, one which would affect everything that was to come and had come before. In one swift motion he pulled the golden box out and flipped open the lid.
A thousand suns erupted from curved container and flew across the cavern to the nearest creature, who the mage saw in the light was a Bloodhound (cap cap go bye bye), a human wolf tainted by jealousy hatred and evil.
The Bloodhound (caps = nono) burned in the unnatural light and tired to flee but was too late and disintegrated into the elaborate stone floor of the murky cavern. The other bloodhounds were nowhere to be seen.
The Mage looked into the box and read the words encrypted on the smooth lid:

A Ring of kin to face the hope and fire
The ring to rouse the dead and infect the wound
To the breaking hearts of mans desire.

The was a small circular object woven in a sea blue linen with golden marks sewn into the corners. He tried to touch is the he gave a gasp as it brunt his hand. (come again?)
Suddenly the whispers started, the same words said again,
A Ring of kin to face the hope and fire
The ring to rouse the dead and infect the wound
To the breaking hearts of mans desire.
The words echoed through his bones, penetrating his soul and entering his mind

A ring of kin… mans desire
Kin...desire
Kin… desire

“No!” The mage screamed, “MAKE IT STOP! … make it stop” (too much italics)

“WHO ARE YOU TO QUESTION THE WORDS OF THE ONE?” The voice boomed. And the mage now sank to his knees, clutching his head.

Kin…desire
Kin…desire

“I know who you are Joseph of the Whitehill, Class three of the council of Mages”

“NO! PLEASE”

Kin...desire. It repeated.
A ring of kin… mans desire. Again.
Kin...desire. Again.

Again. Again. Again. Again

Until it finished with a last sentence;
A Ring of kin to face the hope and fire

Joseph slammed it (what?) shut and lay on his back(,) thanking the almighty heavens that the voice of evil and darkness itself had been banished into the box.
But what he didn’t realise that when he opened the box he broke a barrier, one that could never be rebuilt, and when he touched the blue cloth he awoke the demon, the second ring that had laid dormant for over three hundred generations. The mage thought it had ended, but it had only just begun.
Because the Age of the Kings had ended, and a new age had formed at that very moment the Mage opened the box. The age of hope and fire- and revenge.
Trust me, the ring would get its revenge.(trust who?)

All in all, not bad. my only problems were the caps, the over use of italics, and the odd spacings. Everything else is fine and dandy. Though, maybe i should read LoTR...???