Published May 27, 2007
The Fight
By Daenesh Kumar
We always fight,
Quarrel at night,
Even when its bright,
See you think you're right,
But you fill me with fright,
When you shine that light,
Cause i'm full of maybeis and might,
But I know one thing alright,
When I kiss you; you'll hug me tight,
Cause you love me and thats all night.
You and Me
By Daenesh Kumar
High up in the mountains I stand,
Watching you with an eagles glare,
Hoping I'll see you land,
Cause I know you'll share,
All the sweet moments you had,
Right from that cute stare,
Till that time you took that dare,
Oh baby you used to care,
But now all memories are here,
Waiting silently over there,
While you touch his hair,
Breathing the same air,
But you know your still my Clair,
The one who always paid my fare,
And now without you I'm bare.
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i like the last one but the first one kind of.....rhymes to much
I think that you used TOO much rhyming in this poem. Try to work on that and it will be a lot better.
The one thing I got from this the most was the rhyming and you overused it to the strongest degree. Rhyming is good to have in poetry, but if it hinders the flow of the poem, then rhyming is useless.
Also, in your first poem, your punctuation was atrocious. You have lots and lots of commas and then ended with a period, which doesn't reflect the actual grammar of any of the lines. This might help you: Poetry & Punctuation
The rhyming really held you back. I suggest experimenting more, with rhyming, free verse, rhythm, etc, and finding what "works". The rhyming isn't important, if the themes/feelings/ideas don't get through because I'm chocking on a bad rhyme scheme.
Bonne chance.
I reckon the rhyming is holding your ideas back. I liked lines like 'breathing the same air' - that's a nice image - but a lot of the lines aren't as powerful as they should be because you've had to try and make them fit the rhyming scheme. My advice would be to have a go at these poems without rhyme, or with less strict rhyme anyway, giving you a chance to express your ideas more freely.