Published May 27, 2007
The wind of sorrow
By Daenesh Kumar
The wind of sorrow,
Brushes through my hair,
Like a soft gentle breeze,
Calling my name as it goes,
Calling me home,
To the place where I belong
The wind of sorrow,
Slowly sweeps all hapiness from within,
Till you feel so much pain inside,
Till you can't breathe,
The sand blows on your face,
Giving you what you don't expect
The wind of sorrow,
All you've ever wanted will be gone,
Gone by the time you awaken,
Awaken from the slumber of your dreams,
Dreams of a place with a happy life,
A place where dreams are fulfilled
The wind of sorrow,
The hopes that everytime you smile,
I'll be there to torment you,
To give you strength trough the rough times,
To give you what's left of me,
In hopes one day u'll smile again when you see me....
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I love it, it's so nice! I agree with Atariel-san, the repeating title is kinda cool. Loved it!
I actually liked the way you repeated the title every time. Just my personal opinion on that one. So anyway, I absolutely loved the it!
Actually, wewinwelose, it's either 'til or until. Try checking your facts before you advise someone else, hm?
Daenesh: This poem is, as Claudette says, a prime example of navel-gazing. As such, it leaves little impression on anyone who isn't--well--you. Or intimately acquainted with your circumstances, as it were. Actually, it may leave an impression on more experienced, serious writers--a bad one. Rethink your strategy here, and try again.
this is good......but u'll and till arent words its you'll and 'till or untill
I felt that some of the language in this was nice but it was spoil by words such as 'till.' Why not just use 'until?' It sounds much better and if anything adds to the rhythm of this poem.
Other than that I agree that you've used 'The wind of sorrow' too often but it's a pleasant poem.
Heather xx
After scanning through the poem, since it didnt' really catch my eye you know, was rather dull to tell you the truth, one part jumped out at me.
Can you see why? Here, I'll highlight it u'll. Change it to 'you'll' and it will be a bit better.
Tata mwa!
SS
I think you definitely over used the title. I think it was pretty good. good job!
Like your other poem, you repeated the title, and the first line, in each of the stanza's beginnings. You'll have to kill yourself of that habit because it does nothing at all for the poem.
This poem was real self centered, and navel gazing so I felt nothing.
This article might also help you: Emotional Poetry.
After reading several of your poems, I also suggest you read poetry. That is something that can help every poet. If you read them on the forum, also take time to look at the critiques: what was good, what was bad, what did people like in the poem, and how can you emulate those things?
If you have any questions over anything I've said (over all your poems) feel free to PM me.