5th May 1999
As the last ray of the sun vanished behind the tower’s peak, a sudden rage seemed to fill the crowd. Peter had never seen them as united as today, all of them fighting to ban the inhumane experiments that were happening in the tower. People were being used as test subjects for some biological projects, which were to be used in warfare. But Peter, unlike the people around him, was not filled with anger; he was filled with sadness for the injustice that happened to them. As he stood there in the breathless crowd he spotted a girl who like him looked confused at the anger around her. Her long black hair and her brown eyes shocked him. Something so beautiful in this terrible fight. Suddenly the crowd started moving in all directions, some terror at the centre of it. From the rooftop he saw metal canisters filled with some unknown gas falling in the crowd. The crowd pushed as ants would when a fire was near and the last thing he spotted before he was knocked out was a wave of silky black hair and a spark in those brown eyes…. He had a feeling he would see them again.
8th March 2008
Peter woke up in fright. His hands and face were filled with sweat, his eyes wide in terror and his body shaking as if by a sudden chill. He had the same dream again. It was becoming too frequent to go unnoticed. In the dream he saw the Presidents’ home with its guards at the door at the dead of night. Something was stirring and its hatred was growing with every passing moment. The door to the house would be open and inside he would spot a dark brown chair moving silently as if some invisible force pushed it. A Flash, and a symbol of an eagle on fire would appear, its crimson eyes voicing the pain it was feeling as the fire curled around it. Just before it died it gave out one last screech, a noise which would forever imprint itself in Peter’s memory. Then darkness would come, along with a feeling of uneasiness and he would be at the bottom of a dark ocean, feeling the rhythm of the waves pushing him. And out from the debts an ear splitting roar of anger echoes around the abyss and an image of a creature the world had never seen. Its dark malicious eyes full of hatred, its uncountable arms each full of spikes filled with dreadful poison pulsing with an eerie green light. Then Peter would find himself awake shaking in terror.
What meaning did this dream have? He had begun to dread sleeping, knowing what would follow. He was suddenly brought back to the world by the sound of his alarm clock. He stood up, dressed for work and had breakfast. But the dream remained on his mind… nagging him as if trying to give him a message which he could not understand. As he stood close to his car door a man approached him. His dark black suit and serious face showed that something grim was happening.
“Hi, are you Peter Ascarnen?” He demanded.
“Uhm yes…. Have I done anything wrong?”
“Just come with me. The survival of humanity will depend on it.”
"Who are you? Why should I trust you or even believe you?"asked Peter.
The stranger let out a sigh, put his hand in one of his coat pockets, and got out a card with G.M.R written on it. Below it there was inscribed: Top Secret. Governent Project.
"Is that proof enough?"questioned the stranger.
Peter nodded and, looking both confused and mortally afraid , followed the man. He felt that something life-altering was about to happen and it was all connected to his dream.
As he entered the stranger’s car, shutters covered the windows blocking out all light.
“Hey what’s going on?!”
“The place we’re going to… it’s best not to know where it is and also to avoid any nosy people who might try to interfere.”
As they drove on, Peter looked around in the car, astonished by its advancement and technology.
“So…. What’s your name?” Peter asked, trying to start a conversation and learn about the stranger.
Through the rear view mirror Peter saw the man smile and the stranger responded, “To normal civilians I don’t exist. If you want some information you’ll have to wait a bit longer. The boss will surely explain everything.”
They seemed to have been travelling for hours until Peter felt the car go to a sudden halt. The man opened the door and Peter followed him inside. The place seemed just like a normal house, but when he entered he found a busy workplace. As the man led him to a room, Peter saw two men follow them……
They all sat down around a table, offering a seat to Peter.
“So Peter, I assume you’re wondering who we are and why you’re here?”asked the tallest of the three men.
“Yes…. Have I done anything wrong?”
“You?... No you haven’t but we need your help. I am Chris and these are Thomas and John", he replied.
As he pointed to each of them as he said their names, Peter learnt that the man who came for him in the morning was Thomas. John seemed less talkative and the way he was tugging at his aubern hair and creasing his eyebrows made Peter wonder whether he was worried about something.
“Now the following may seem hard to believe and very dramatic, but Earth is on the verge of an invasion, and not just any invasion, an inter-dimensional invasion. You see years before humans were created, the Earth was inhabited by other beings, what you would call mutants. We know this from scripts which were unearthed three years ago, containing their history, their ideas and their destruction. The mutants were very advanced, much more advanced then we are today. At one time in their reign they discovered how to see and enter different dimensions. And so a gate was build, known as a Faln Gate. With it they explored and learnt much about the other dimensions but at such a terrible price……
With these words Chris looked up at Peter and stated, “What you heard and are about to hear is strictly confidential and government business only. If you wish to hear them you’ll need to accept the task we want you to do."
Peter, startled and confused, asked, “But what is the task?”
“The little we know about it shall be told to you, in due time”
”Ok then, fill me in”
“You know, by this you’ll be accepting the…. Let’s call it the mission.”
“Yes I understand.”
“Very well then the scripts we uncovered tell us that when the mutants opened the gate they didn’t know that life lived beyond it. And they were attacked, most were killed. The few that survived attempted and succeeded in closing the gate but it was only a small achievement. Their cities were destroyed, their people exterminated and their lives ruined. And so they lost hope and disappeared from the face of the Earth. We do not know where they went or how many survived nor if they still exist.
What we do know is that the ‘lock’ on the gate is decaying and soon the portal shall be open again. That is where you come in Peter. A script we found shows a symbol of a way to close the gate. From sources which shall be revealed in due time, we were told that to close the gate we’d need someone who was present in the 1999 rebellion, who’s surname was Ascarnen."
Peter stood staring blankly at the wall. Perhaps his dreams would be explained and he’d be free from his constant worrying...perhaps…
“But what can I do exactly?”
“That is yet unknown to us. Only a fragment was found of the tablet showing how to close the gate. We believe that we know some of the locations of the other parts though not all of them are in our dimension. A car shall pick you up in half an hour. In the meantime Thomas shall give you the briefing of the first fragment we’re searching for.”
Peter was still amazed at what he just heard. His life had taken a sudden turn in the past 2 hours. He was still unsure if this was a dream or some type of hallucination he was having. Suddenly a voice knifed his thoughts.
“Follow me please.”
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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Here's the second chapter. Should i post it on this thread since they're part of the same book?
Chapter 2: Time
Peter walked behind Thomas, his head in turmoil, worrying about his present situation. Suddenly, Thomas stopped, opened a door and entered a room and waited for Peter to follow. The room was very dark and empty. The only furniture inside it were five chairs and a small glass table. As they sat down, Thomas said,” From the fragment we found, we know that several other pieces of the tablet were scattered around Britain, we also know the exact location of one of them. It’s buried somewhere in the rubble of the old Wilden Castle before it fell into ruin. We also, after many search parties, believe that the fragment was destroyed and doesn’t exist any more.
Peter stared at Thomas, mouth wide open and a look of disbelief in his eyes.
“How can we find something that doesn’t exist anymore? It’s Impossible! It’s complete madness!”
Thomas held up a finger. “It doesn’t exist anymore I said, but in 1579 it was still unbroken and whole like the Wilden Castle at that time. We have found a way to open a gate through time to find it. There are various risks, namely we may cause a Time Paradox by changing the past, and thus changing the future, and we also may not manage to arrive there….in one piece.
The door suddenly flew open and John entered and took a seat. He and Thomas both awaited an answer from Peter.
“So let me get this straight. You want me to go back in time, doing minimal contact with the people living there, finding a part of the tablet near a castle surrounded by people, and with a chance of not even arriving there alive?
“Well that practically sums it up,” said Thomas as he smiled at Peter.
John winked, “Just the type of plans I like”
“Also you won’t be alone, me and John and another of our company will be accompanying you along the journey. You’ll also be supplied with any provisions you need.
Peter remained static, thinking about his foolish and rash choice to accept the journey. He had no other choice but to continue for good or worse.
“Ok then, let’s go…”
Five hours later Peter, John and Thomas stood at the front of the time gate. Each carried a bag on their back filled with equipment and some personal items. Peter had a parachute, a sleeping bag, several rations, a torch and a map.He was also given an army combat knife and a silent pistol. Peter also took the red pendant his father had given him as it had always given him hope and comfort in troubled times. He believed that the more important equipment were to be carried by John and Thomas as their bag seemed alot bulkier. The company also managed to forge coins that were used in 1579, incase anything turned up. Each of them were given a device that was worn around the wrist. It would take them back to their own time once they were ready from finding the first fragment. The 3 of them stood waiting for their final party member. Several minutes later the grey double doors were pushed and she entered…
She looked the same as she had 9 years ago. Peter remained amazed. Since the first time he saw her when he was 16 at the rebellion, he had thought of her several times and wondered who she was, but it never crossed his mind that he might see her again. Her name was Elaine, and Peter learnt that she had been working with the company since she was very young. But now as he watched her walking towards them he doubted again whether this was one of his crazy dreams or reality. She was soon deep in talk with Thomas, about things concerning their journey whilst Peter stood wondering whether he’d ever see this place again. An alarm was sounded, the companians noticing it was time to go walked towards the gate. As the Vortex was opened the last trace of the four companions soon disappeared.
This is a good hook. But put a comma after peak to make it better.
This sentence is awkward. Mostly because you start with 'But' and the semi-colon. Try "Unlike the people around him, Peter was filled with sadness rather than anger at the injustice" or something even better. Either that, or you can put a comma after Peter and another one after him to smooth it out a little.
This first paragraph reads almost like a summary. Flesh it out! Turn it into a proper prologue if that's what your aiming for. Describe the girl and the scene more. Don't stop with her hair and eyes; those are the two most common qualities described. Does she have any distinguishing markings? Are her eyes almond-shaped? There are millions of people in the world with long black hair and brown eyes. What makes her look different?
What's up with the nine years later? Out of curiosity, is there a particular reason for the dates that almost made me think this was going to be in diary form?
Why is Stranger capitalized? Only proper nouns should be capitalized so unless it's his name or there is some other reason for it to be proper... Also government is spelled like that. <-
Move the comma after 'nodded' to after 'and' and take the space out from in front of the second comma.
Period at the end of the sentence.
What kind of advancement and technology? More description is needed here.
You can say something, you can ask something, and you can whisper something, but you cannot smile something.
Morning should not be capitalized. What do the three men look like? A quick sentence would help us imagine and recognize them.
Second 'are' should be 'is'.
Period.
Is this still the same person speaking? If so, you need to put quotation marks at the beginning and end of this paragraph, but not the end of the one before it. If not, you still need quotation marks at the beginning and end of this paragraph, quotation marks at the end of the paragraph before it, and a dialogue tag to indicate who is speaking.
'Know' needs to come after 'what we do'
Where instead of were.
Cut 'how'.
Cut either 'maybe' or the first 'perhaps' to make it smoother. Also change 'might' to 'would.'
Period.
You have an interesting concept here that's getting off to a good start. The only issues I have with this are the lack of description, wording problems, and some small grammar issues that I outlined above.