Young Writers Society

This is Nikayla here dropping in for a review!

The alliteration in the title intrigued me, so I may as well jump right in and give thoughts on this. I found the prologue to be short and sweet and while that part is beneficial, I still don't see the complete purpose of this prologue. The reader is being told and introduced with the cliche of the main character opening with the first paragraph opening. To be honest, this feels more like a couple opening paragraphs to a novel instead of a prologue.

Just as easily this can be placed at the beginning of the first chapter, Rin could write a line after this akin to 'Here's how it happened.' and you can either go from there or have a time skip and then go from there. I'm suggesting that this is a part of the first chapter because not everyone reads the prologue and generally if you find this opening important instead of optional, you're going to want to place that there. The title is still what I find most interesting since the reader is left off on a cliffhanger at the end of this prologue.

The actual content here though is kinda boring. Feels overdone because this type of opening has already been done before. I'm not a fan of the ellipses at the end of the first paragraph. Just use a single period. That's more powerful than the narrator drifting off. With the second paragraph in particular this feels more similar to a pitch than anything else selling what the story is going to be about without actually selling what the story is about. Overall, fine polish and a bit of work on the placement of this might help and although there isn't anything criminal here, this is kind of standard. The first chapter might prove wrong! Don't know yet.

If you have any questions, don't be afraid to ask! I hope I helped and have a great day.

Hi there!

So my first thought upon reading this was how awkward it always is when stories start off with characters introducing themselves to the reader. I'm not saying you can't or shouldn't do it, but it has to be done well to work.

In this case, I think the problem is that even though you started by having Rin Ishida introduce himself to us, we know nothing about him, or even much of what the story's going to be about - just the fact that there was a trip to Tokyo that turned out differently than expected.

Rather than telling us things like:

Before you continue, just know that there is a lot of violence in this story. There's a bit of strong language, confusing occasions, and crazy people, but that's just the truth. And it's how everything played out.

Hey there, Eli here for a birthday rush!

I feel like this story will grab and I hope I find it published soon, I would love to be notified when you decide to make it open for the readers and reviewers to read this story. The prologue is good even if you could fill it up more. It is like a cute teddy bear but could be even warmer and have more fluff.

It is short and simple but maybe it could be interesting to make it slightly longer and maybe give us a part, like a sneak peek or maybe not even that, just a little information. To interest possible readers who did not get interested in the overall description of the story. The 'it is real not made up' factor is big and leads us to think it will be more realistic and more interesting for us as something we can relate to interest us in a deeper levels and makes her go on, maybe something that can happen to us as well? I really have no complains and it seems to be still under construction so nothing to say about that.

It still be better if there was more to this, it is prologue but still too small to be even called one. Put some meat to your burger!

I usually dislike the first person in stories but this one seemed to be proper for the story, just make sure you do not mess it up in the future.

Keep on writing!