Awakened
Prologue
In the short time that I’ve lived I have never, not even once, given a thought about how I was going to die. I never imagined anything complicated occurring in my life. When I think of my life... I'm just so ordinary. I never thought I would fall in love either, or that anybody could love me; I thought it wasn't my thing, but now that I’ve found it, love that is, I have also lost it.
Not sure of what I’m thinking or saying anymore. The pain in my body is no joke, every bone in my body feels broken, but this pain in my body does not even begin to compare to what my mind is feeling.
I didn’t recognize the signs. They tried to warn me, but I didn’t listen. I wouldn’t stop playing with the darkness and eventually it consumed me. I don’t think the light in me that’s left will help me at all. No being or magic in the world can.
Once he completely awakens her, I’ll be dead and she will take my place. After all, she is me and I am just the body that contains her soul. So why am I fighting? Why don’t I want to be awakened?
Save me, the voice inside me said. Don’t let him get me. Please save me…
Yeah, I know its been a long, long, long (you get the point)since I've posted something. This is just something I'm working on it's still not quite there yet, but what the heck. I want to post something.
~Cy
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
First Impression: Soo...this was a very vague prologue here, one that manages to come dangerous close to almost being a little confusing in what its trying to convey there...you may want to be a tad bit careful about how vague you want to make things cause it could end up being too vague to the point people don't get hooked.
Anyway let's get right to it,
Okay...looks like someone that was living quite a normal and ordinary life that was perhaps a bit more ordinary than most but then ended up having to experience a lot despite that...and suffered a bit along the way too...at any rate, this first paragraph seems to be saying a lot here, and it definitely caught my attention right away.
Okay..well, that's definitely gotta be quite a lot of pain there if you can't even think anymore...and if the fact that a pain great enough to feel like every bone is broken cannot compare to the mind's anguish...well you know this is a person that is suffering a pretty bad fate here judging off of this.
Well, that seems like a bad choice gone quite wrong there....by the sounds of it...the way that you've mentioned a darkness and people trying to warn this person makes it almost sound like this could either be something quite metaphorical for a real world issue which considering the genre is potentially the case...but there is the promise of something fantasy like in there too..which makes it even more interesting there.
Okayy...so...the she there is a little confusing cause it does kind of seem to come out of nowhere and it seems almost like this is some sort of parasite within this person's body just about to fight their way out and kill this person in the process...definitely opens up some even crazier possibilities with that paragraph there.
Okayy...well, that successfully made things even more mysterious there, if such a thing is even possible at the moment. Its either that or we have a bit of a POV inconsistency there and it shifts to the POV of whoever is stuck in this body...at any rate...it makes for a pretty chilling ending there.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
Overall: Overall, an interesting prologue...but yeah...it looks like it needs a bit of work there...anyway....that's about all I've gotta say for today.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
My REVIEW
Okay, some people will absolutely disagree with me. But I just don't care that much for this short story. There's just something about a story like this that doesn't really make sense unless you've actually had this real experience. And its sounds like you haven't, your just faking it for the audience. That all that I have to say.
-Dvena
As promised, darling, here I am.
Read it. Loved it.
As I also told you, I'm not much of a reviewer - I just found out the pathetic amount of reviews I've done since I've been here in YWS. So I'll just tell you what I thought:
AWESOME!
Do I need to say more? Hope not.
As everyone has said, a few typos here and there. It happens to everyone.
Really, really short, though. Perfect for a prologue, of course - it leaves you wanting more! But try to get your mojo back, please! I wanna read some more!
And I've told you since the beginning you're an awesome writer, but you can clearly notice you've improved - a lot! At least I've noticed. Should've told you before - dumb me!
It just keeps getting better and better!
So off I go. Hopefully I'll be back soon to read some more!
(Seriously. I should start logging in more.)
Best of luck always! LoOve ya so much!
~Joy.
Hi Cynara!! Long time no write! I've missed your writing!! (did that sound creepy?) Well I thought this was awesome!!! It's suspenseful and it keeps you wanting more! And that is always a good thing!! But I did notice a couple of missing commas and a typo. You wrote 'fonded' instead of 'found'. But it's okay. Everyone does it!! Heck we aren't perfect! So yes please please please write more!! PM me when it's up!! Bye!
Please write more,
wookielover17
Hey =]
Nice idea for a story you have here =]
Great opening line, but I think 'to' would sound better than 'of'
'...given a thought to how I was going to die.'
I'd add in a comma after 'Actually'
'Actually, I never thought I would fall in love;'
The second half of this sentence seems to read a little strangly to me. Maybe re-word it.
As you say 'wouldn't stop' I get the impression that it's an occuring habit/thing with your MC. If that's the case, I'd suggest changing the sentence to something like;
'I wouldn't stop playing with darkness and eventually it consumed me.'
or
'I wouldn't stop playing with darkness and it eventually consumed me.'
(It's only a suggestion though) =]
'Will' or 'Can'? 'Will' suggests that the magic doesn't want to help her. 'Can' means it can't. I hope that makes sense - if not, just ignore me
'Once he completely awakens her, I'll be dead'
'After all, she is me.'
So, I think you have a great idea for a story here and I'll be looking out for future posts by you =] Thanks for the read and I hope you find my comments helpful.
xDudettex
WOW, Cy! That is so suspenseful! I'm on the edge of my seat, desperately wanting to read more! Tell me there's more!
Oooh. Ha ha, hell of a hook there.
Found?
...warn me, but I...
Love the "consumed".
After all, she is me
Oh my gosh. Oh my gosh. Such a creepy end! Creepy, creepy end. I also loved how you've slipped in a little teaser about the plot, though I'm sure there are plenty of twists and turns. Continue with this, please.
Happy writing!
~Emma
Interesting prologue Cy. I kinda like the way it seems to be going.
Mistakes
That's a nice, creepy start. But I pulled out this sentence to make you substitute the word 'of' with 'about'
Should be, 'anything that complicated'
Were you talking about making the initial foundation or the base for love when you wrote, founded' or did you just mistake the word to be the past tense of 'find'.
'Not sure of what I'm thinking......'
It should be, 'I didn't'
I think this should be, "I don't think the light that was left in me would help me at all"
Plot
I can see a really nice plot forming through this story up ahead. This whole prologue seemed like one giant cliffhanger to me, and it captured me. But your words were really serious and it sort of scared me as well. But I don't think I have anything to be scared of by your plot.
Good luck.