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The Survivor's Prayer

by Cyb3rBlade


I'm thankful that you hear me, and that the water's clean
Protect me from the mutants and the fallout unseen
Thank you, Lord, for guiding me as far as I've been

Lord, I pray for the slaves that I just passed by today
Couldn't buy them, couldn't free them, but I hope they are okay
I'm the ultimate survivor, but I remember how to pray

I'm sorry for the worthess man I keep proving that I am
Returning to those wretched sins, such a two-faced man
Please, oh Lord, forgive me, I want to serve again


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Mon May 27, 2013 10:24 pm
InfinityAndBeyond wrote a review...



Hi Infinity here to review!

Firstly I love the thanks giving to God here in your poem you've really expressed that well, it's emotional and personal and a great prayer poem. However there are some slight criticisms/suggestions I'd like to make.

Ideally, your poem is meant to be separated into quatrain verses. The rhyme scheme worked well in some places and in others it didn't.

Stanza 1

"I'm thankful that you hear me, and that the water's clean
Protect me from the mutants and the fallout unseen
Thank you, Lord, for guiding me as far as I've been"

The mentioning of water here is a bit random, you need to explain or incorporate it into your verse if that's what your thankful for, how has water been a blessing to you?
The mutants and fallout is again, awkward to add it as its unrelated to the water, your opening verse should be engaging and coherent. The rhyming here feels very forced, it doesn't really flow well.

Stanza 2

"Lord, I pray for the slaves that I just passed by today
Couldn't buy them, couldn't free them, but I hope they are okay
I'm the ultimate survivor, but I remember how to pray"

This verse is good just minor criticisms.
Hoping they're okay is not very heart felt as the slaves you've seen most likely aren't just simply, "okay". Perhaps editing it to say something like "but I pray they're okay" or "but I pray you show them another way" something along those lines?

The last sentence of you being the ultimate survivor and remembering to pray doesn't quite fit with everything else, shouldn't the slaves be the survivors you desire to see? you need to again, make your verse coherent.

Stanza 3

"I'm sorry for the worthess man I keep proving that I am
Returning to those wretched sins, such a two-faced man
Please, oh Lord, forgive me, I want to serve again"

Here, you have a slight typo on the spelling of "worthless"
This verse had potential but it doesn't feel like it's finished or final.
Try developing it more and check your grammar and punctuation in your poem in general.

Overall, great theme and a good pray poem, keep up the good work!

-Infinity x




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Tue May 21, 2013 11:14 pm
Cyb3rBlade says...



Thanks, guys. I definitely will work on this. (I'm particularly impressed that you managed to write a useful review despite being non religious. Thank you.)
The line, "I'm the ultimate survivor, but I remember how to pray" is pretty much where I started, so I had to incorporate it. I was trying to communicate that God will always be in the habit of forgiving vile sinners (of whom, borrowing a cliche, I am the worst). Thanks for the input, and God Bless.




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Sun May 19, 2013 1:38 am
lovelysayshi says...



oh man. This poem was great. You're good, indeed, indeed.




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Fri May 17, 2013 4:42 am
niteowl wrote a review...



Hi Cyberblade! Overall, I think you have a strong beginning, but I think the ending could be stronger. Your rhyming is also shaky in the first stanza (been doesn't rhyme), and it does seem a bit forced.

This is posted as Science Fiction, and that seems stronger to me in the first two stanzas. I like the presentation of the slaves in the second stanza and the moral dilemma.

I'm the ultimate survivor, but I remember how to pray

I'm sorry for the worthess man I keep proving that I am
Returning to those wretched sins, such a two-faced man
Please, oh Lord, forgive me, I want to serve again


The first line here isn't bad, but it doesn't seem connected much to what comes before or after it. I might give this idea its own stanza, perhaps showing how faith helped the speaker survive. The final stanza feels more generic, without any of the dystopian references present in the beginning. This could work, making it feel timeless, but right now it feels disconnected. It refers to sins that haven't been mentioned yet and suggests a lack of faith when before it seemed the man had always been a believer. I might elaborate on the sins, or maybe the story of this future world.

I second dark about the punctuation. I usually suggest punctuating poetry as you would prose so it's easier to read.

Overall, there's a cool story here, but it could be more developed. Keep writing! :)




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Fri May 17, 2013 2:10 am
dark wrote a review...



You're good, real good. Since I am non religious, I will never understand the spiritual aspect in this, but anyway. I should point out the flaws here.
Him, really there isn't much to say about the flaws here, as there is only one. The punctuation is, well missing. The verses are supposed to have periods/exclamation points etc. at the ends of them. Well anyway, good job and all.





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