Sinking in Ivy

Hey, AJ here for a review!

Yaasss, sonnets!!! I wrote several sonnets last year in a creative writing class, and I loved it.

- "Melts like my heart began to ache for you," This isn't quite grammatically correct, and it doesn't flow so well. Maybe "Melts as my heart begins to ache for you" or "Melts like my heart beginning to ache for you"

- "autumn leaves that pile up just like / The feelings in my heart like ivy grew." Again, not quite correct and a bit awkward. I know that you're bound to a certain rhyme scheme, but you might want to take out one of the "like" phrases or reword the lines to make it fit.

- "Ensnare the world I hold so close to heart,/ Submerge my head inside the rolling sea" Ooh, I love these lines!

- "Condemn my mind and force me to it part," The end of that is awkward. Maybe change it to "Condemn my mind and force it to part" or something along those lines

- "My life won’t sink like the Titanic sank." This reference felt very abrupt. I would change this line, as least referencing something a bit more vague, like a stone in a pond or something. This is what I might write: "I am drowning like a stone that sank" or something like that.

Overall, I think this is a great piece! The flow is a little rough in some parts, but I think it's great.

Keep on writing, and Happy Review Day! (And welcome to YWS, on top of that!)

-AJ

Hey, I see you're a new member, so welcome! I haven't been on this site in awhile so it's kinda new to me all over again (lol). Before I get to the poem I want you to keep in mind that reviews can be kinda disheartening when it gets down to it but just try to keep in mind that it's constructive criticism. When I posted my first poem I got angry with the reviewers just because I had been so invested in the piece. So try to keep in mind that it's your piece and ultimately everyone will interpret it differently.

About the poem- I'm a fan of the old dead guys myself so I see what you were going for, it's rather good. You have a good balance of showing instead of telling but keeping a distinct narrators voice.

I feel the flow shifts to a faster pace by the second stanza. It makes me wonder if you struggled with the opening. The beginning itself has less impact and imagery compared to the rest of the poem. I really love the second half of the poem so if you spruced up the beginning the poem as a whole would flow a lot better.

There was one thing that stood out to me throughout the piece, your punctuation/capitalization. Punctuation guides how a poem is read. The way it is, your punctuation disrupts the flow of your piece. You should see about how your capitalization should differ off the punctuation instead of by the line.
For example:
"The ice I see on this small mountain hike

Melts like my heart began to ache for you,"
If read by the punctuation you have now "Melts" wouldn't normally be capitalized. However if you want each line to be that way it's a stylistic choice that can be made but I don't see it aligning with the style of your poem.

From a design perspective, I think altering how your poem sits on the page would make it look better and make it easier to read. For example centering it on the page and putting spaces between your stanzas or certain lines to exaggerate the flow.

Overall this was a good first poem, I think you have a good base to grow from. I'm excited to see how your writing will develop from here. If you have any questions about my review, the site or anything feel free to pm me!