Young Writers Society

Thanks for sharing this poem about a feeling of frustration due to insomnia caused by the pain over a lost love. Good job in remaining true to the meter and the scheme. It is definitely painful to find out that one has been wrong about a loved one. We feel foolish, betrayed, assaulted, insulted, and it might cause insomnia. Time will cause the feelings to grow weaker.

But the bitter memory stays for a lifetime. Hopefully we come out of the experience a wiser person. Sometimes it might take several for some persons to learn the lesson. The danger is to become cynical and tag everyone one meets of the same gender as the offender as insincere. That will only serve to reduce your chances of finding the right person.

Looking forward to reading more of your work.


Suggestion

I would try to use enjambment in order to prevent the sentences from always ending at the end of a line.

An end-stopped line is a feature in poetry in which the syntactic unit corresponds in length to the line. Its opposite is enjambment, where the sentence runs on into the next line.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Enjambment

This is too much to fast and not so focused, the reader wants details that can you can describe in a way that makes them excitable or see the imagery them self. Poetry to me, is about the content first and if there is a rhyme that's ok but I don't see it as necessary as the emotion, rhythm and general feel. Most poems are mirrored meaning that they only describe stuff that has to be put together by the reader, but has no meaning to the writer which makes for the 'lifeless' feel. It's rushed. That's all. This feels like the first attempts of a great writer.

My tips start here; be focused, pragmatic and calculating. If there are spelling errors, that means you rushed with your meaning. Take time with this and stick to a general message/thing. Don't let the words and sounding of the words create the content. Inspiration comes first. You can gain inspiration by writing of-course, but it really comes from feeling, thinking and using intuition. Most great poems come at a time when the writer is feeling intense. The reason I say this is your poem jumbles thoughts together because it is influenced solely by a rhyme scheme, often being cliche and reiterating the same thoughts and words.

Wow, powerful.
I like to read things first, then pick at them. So my initial reaction: AMAZING! PERFECTLY WRITTEN AND BEAUTIFUL.
Then I went over it a second time;
Relatively good, but the placement of the single comma kinda confused me, maybe put a comma at the end of each stanza and/or putting spaces and making paragraphs.
2nd to last line; "so maybe i can bee free" capitalize 'i' and use 'be' not 'bee'. I'm sure it was just a mistake from typing so fast.
I really got the tone and mood of a heartbroken lover, and don't worry, It doesn't last forever. I'LL BE THERE FOR YOOOOOOOOOOOOUUU! (if you get my reference)
Overall; I loved it. KEEP GOING!!