Published July 29, 2009
We’re having a tea party.
Just you, us and he.
We’ll fondle a hatter.
We’ll tug your guts green.
Cram crumpets we will
down intestinal throats
as I swallow your seed
like chunky soy milk.
I’ll gag, and you’ll choke.
Let's go the clearing
Where mice dance to our moans,
holding eyelid umbrellas:
skin stretched on bird-bones.
Come to our party, oh please
Mon hetero.
Bite back your Beh-jesus
as we strip off our cloaks.
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141,745 Literary Works • 675,666 Reviews
Danke, madame.
Your advice has been lovingly taken into consideration.
"Just you, us and he." - Suuuper awkward line. Change us to them, or say "Just you, him and them." Just something else, because that line is wrenching.
"Cram crumpets we will
down intestinal throats
as I swallow your seed
like chunky soy milk."
I love these lines! They have great meter, but the last line seems tacked on at the end. I like it, but I think it should be moved someplace else.
Not really sure what this poem was about, but it was interesting. I would also check for a more accepted spelling of "beh-jesus" because I don't think that's correct.
And welcome to YWS! Remember you should try to give two reviews per each post you submit. Keep it up!
~Yoyo