Published July 23, 2009
Moon sits in a greened copper chair,
with dime-wide binoculars glued to her sockets,
eyeing metal eagles on thermal sky.
The ones that claw her retina
while circling over fetal skulls and nursing mothers.
She holds a sickle bearing doll to her chest,
one with a raw nose and sperm whale teeth,
and nurses her bandaged breast with a halo and a hand.
from clavicle to rib, this yellowed sutcher wails.
To the baby she sings
with words choked in dust and neglect,
but the ballerina still twirls in rust,
and from her teeth releases the nipple.
Moon talks of Jupiter and Neptune.
Watches the sea and sky fight with devil chariots,
and to herself whispers a lie
“My baby, my baby, they kill for my baby.
She breaks its skull under rocks under water,
and the tide ribboned child empties its brain of blood.
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140,820 Literary Works • 673,694 Reviews
Hello, Cubed!
I apologize for not getting to this sooner. I meant to, but I didn't have the time.
You have a really creative idea here, and for the most part, you've written it out excellently. There are some words here that drag the poem back; little ones like "with, while" and so on. Like here:
To speak, you have a bit of deadwood in here, dear. If you eliminate some of the excess words, no doubt, your poem will sound more fluid. Also! Eyeing is correctly spelled as eying, dear, with no E after the Y.
Also, here:
I'd place the descriptive sentence [the second line] right after doll. For now, it could be confused that her chest has a raw nose and sperm-whale teeth.
Don't bring us to so many full stops, dear. Instead, use commas and semicolons; no need to close a line in a stanza with a period when the thought continues on.
(You left out a closing quotation mark, dear)
In this stanza, I'm not sure if I like the opening with "Moon talks"; it's kind of dry, and I think you should totally spice this up! Maybe "she tells stories", "she talks of"-- anything. Using Moon here is kind of dull.
Aside from that, I really don't have any criticism for this. Overall, I found it pretty well written and very imaginative. The ending was a bit abrupt, [and morbid. xD], but overall, I found this really enjoyable.
Keep writing; I'd love to see more of your work.
June
Why thank you, love.
Hi,
I liked your poem. I'm not very good at poetry myself, but I do enjoy reading it! It was very imaginative, I wish my imagination good wander that far. Keep writing, I love your work!
PM me if you need anything!
Love,
N
Uh, bump.
This deserves more than a rotting corpse of a thread.