CHAPTER THREE
The messenger rode in on a pony, which wasn’t an odd ride in general, if odd for a messenger. It was, however, bettered cared for than most messengers’ horses. In truth, he’d never before seen a messenger in the inner sanctum of the castle look so haggard or have such a puny animal. Maybe that’s what set his teeth on edge, raised the hair on the back of his neck. Maybe. Raso had been alarmed the second the horse and rider had entered the inner sanctum of Wake Castle, even before he’d noticed the smell, nastier than usual, wafting off the messenger and the way his eyes seemed almost sightless, dark and nonreflective. Then again, one could easily say he’d ridden hard from far off, and was thus unbathed and tired. He’d seen messengers look similar. Normally their horses looked similarly haggard, but messengers had to switch out horses every so often. Nonetheless, as he took in the messenger’s dark, dirty robes and those eyes, Raso’s fingers trembled, wanting his knife in their grasp. Two guards were closer to the messenger, the two that controlled the inner gates. Raso recognized them as his seniors, in age but not rank, and not the brightest men he’d ever met. They were smarter than hunting hounds, but not by much; he couldn’t imagine them catching a fox.
When Raso noticed a trumpet blare and saw Lord Wake walk down the marble steps of the castle, Raso couldn’t help but tense. Lord Wake was surrounded by four good guards with spears in hand and swords or scimitars at their waists, which was good, but it wasn’t enough. No, something was wrong here. Raso could feel it down to the marrow of his bones. Nothing happened as Lord Wake, white-haired now and tired-looking, made his way down the steps, probably heading towards the barracks to see how the new recruits taken in a fortnight were doing. Raso had to admit, Lord Wake was old, but he ran his territory more efficiently than any other lord Raso had ever had the chance to meet. Lord Wake had made Ocessa into a rich land, and had kept it as so. From what Raso had seen, Lord Wake was a just ruler, a man who was powerful and wealthy but remained a good man. He was a rarity, a thankful one. Raso’s respect for the man kept his eyes flickering hawkishly between the messenger, impassively awaiting a servant to take his letters from what Raso could tell, and Lord Wake and his entourage.
A yell from behind made Raso turn from his careful watching, however.
He saw Ansel running full tilt down the hall, straight for the open doorway Raso had been lurking in. Raso was guarding this side entrance to the castle for the benefit of the healer Helewysa’s young help, a brunette girl who probably wouldn’t last too long, who’d gone out early in the morning to gather herbs, probably for the aid of either Lord Wake or Lordess Wake’s health, and had told him to be waiting to let her back into the castle the same way. Helewysa’s new help had spirit, he’d give her that, but he’d rather stopped even asking what Helewysa’s would-be apprentices’ names were. That was why Raso was there; so, all in all, there was little reason for Ansel to be running down the hall, yelling and waving his hands. Yes, he helped guard the interior of the castle, the blond man was moral to a fault and perfect for the job, so perhaps Helewysa had sent him to send a message for her current helper, but why was Ansel, a steady man, now red in the face and scared-looking?
It was all wrong.
Raso took out his knife.
“Ansel, what is it?” he asked, sharply as he could, hoping to ease the other man’s panic with orders, something as a former soldier he was used to.
Ansel stumbled to a stop, sucked in a breath, and then yelled, “The messenger intends to kill Lord Wake!”
With that announcement, the messenger’s horse screamed. Raso had heard the sound before; it was the sound of an animal with mortal wounds or, rarely, the sound of a skittish animal in utmost terror. Raso whirled.
The paint pony reared, eyes rolling wildly in its head, and when its hooves hit the ground, it tried to buck. The man atop the animal grasped the reins and got control, digging his heels and knees in, and then the animal was off like a longbow’s arrow, barreling right for the Lord’s guards. The guards, unused to be ridden down by a pony unexpectedly, starred a bit too long in surprise. Two got the lord away to safety, if shaming him by grabbing him by the arms and frog-marching him out of the path of the pony. The other two guards met the crazed animal head on. The horse was yanked to a stop right in front of the two guards, scimitars drawn, and the messenger leaned side to side on top of his ride like a music-drunk snake. One of the guards, Ortwin if Raso was correct, tried to steady the messenger. Raso almost raised the alarm then, reaching for the bull’s horn he had for that exact purpose with the hand that didn’t hold his knife, but it quickly proved pointless. The messenger shot out a hand, gray-blue and odd-looking, and Ortwin went limp and fell down onto the cobblestones.
One of Lord Wake’s guards sounded the alarm in response, the two who had frog-marched the lord were now trying to hurry him away, and the messenger urged his pony forward and reached out for another guard, a sandy-brown-haired fellow whose face Raso couldn’t see. Raso didn’t blink, he just threw his knife. The knife hit the messenger midback, a perfect shot, but he didn’t fall. The man he’d been trying to touch ran him through with his spear, and Raso wasn’t too surprised when the man drew too near and the messenger touched him, he dropped same as Ortwin, like a fly. It made Raso think of birds flying into the sides of buildings, into windows.
Raso nearly stabbed Ansel with his secondary knife when he felt hot breath on his neck. He didn’t, luckily, and Ansel held out a pot of something, dark purplish and greasy-looking. Raso looked from it to Ansel’s face, trying to make sense of things. He heard another’s horse’s scream and worried for Lord Wake. The messenger was clearly a thing of magic.
A thing of magic.
“What is that? Did Helewysa give you that?” Raso reached for the pot.
Ansel hissed amidst his panting. “She said to drown a knife in it and throw.”
“Did she say anything else?”
“Don’t let your skin touch it.”
For the second time that day, Raso didn’t blink. He put his secondary into in the disgusting partially congealed and partially liquid concoction up to the hilt, the potion nearly touching his fingertips.
Ansel let out a secondary hiss.
Raso turned, saw the mayhem had increased--three bodies, Lord Wake solely protected by one guard that kept the messenger at bay by keeping him impaled on two spears. The two gate guards had hurried over, but seemed unsure of what to do. They could see Raso’s knife sticking out the messenger’s back, and see the spears impaling him, and they’d seen the messenger kill with a touch. The messenger wasn’t human, they knew that, even with their mental abilities lower than a brilliant sheepdog’s, they knew their own weapons, swords, probably wouldn’t do much good. On top of that, they had the self-preservation not to attempt to merely throw themselves at the messenger. So they lingered, unsure.
Raso gulped, prayed to the gods Helewysa was as good at making killing potions as she was at healing potions, and threw his knife.
With a shriek that rivaled the pony’s screams, a tangled mass of all the colors Raso had ever seen in nature and ones he could not name and a darkness that seemed to eat at everything around it burst from the messenger’s mouth and throat--jaw clearly broken, throat gone--and then the messenger was limp as his victims. The mess of color and devouring-darkness disappeared in a blink, reminding Raso of stories of will-o’-the-wisps. The messenger nearly slipped off the pony’s back, and Raso had never seen a pony show such an array of emotions in result: fear, hatred, shock, hope, and all those relating to a massive letdown.
Lord Wake met Raso’s eyes across the courtyard, Lord Wake’s flashing like lightning reflected by the yawning blue sea, and Raso gulped again.
He sincerely hoped he wouldn’t be knighted for what he’d done. Knights lived hazardous, immoral, and frivolous lives full of travel, vice, fighting, and jousting; Raso preferred guarding the castle with its steady supply of food and gossipy chambermaids, even if it did house a witch.
And he knew, even as a knighthood would supposedly help his military career, another favor from Lord Wake would insure he was never taken quite as seriously as most any knight, any soldier.
Raso looked away and looked towards Ansel, who appeared even more flushed in the face, and noted Helewysa’s orange tabby cat rubbing at Ansel’s legs. Of course Helewysa’s familiar was at the scene.
Raso had intended to say something, but forgot it. He could feel himself trembling. He hadn’t quite seen so much excitement in a while. “Ansel, maybe you should get that potion back to Helewysa?”
“Yes,” Ansel said, somewhat too quickly, “I’ll go.” Helewysa’s cat butted at Ansel’s shins with its head. Ansel cleared his throat and added, “Helewysa said what was inside the messenger is called a wraith, and that it’s a bad sign.” The next second, Ansel had the lid back on the potion, locked tightly, and was rushing away.
Raso was left with Helewysa’s familiar and Lord Wake and a stream of guards--finally more had come--heading his way.
Raso sighed.
Hey Cspr, another review for you today!
I'll just dive straight in, shall I?
This is a bit of an contradiction. First you say that the horse is cared for better than other horses, then you say that it's puny.
Also, you say bettered cared for. "It was cared for better" sounds a bit smoother.
You repeat Raso's name a lot and it makes the text a bit awkward, try to vary.
These two sentences are exceedingly long together. Try and break them up a little so that it isn't so difficult to read.
Also, it doesn't explain why Ansel is running.
What is a paint poney?
stared.
Juuust a small question: what is a secondary? A second knife, his second finger? A bit more information please!
You repeat secondry. Try and change bit.
this makes sense, but really, it's a bit long. Try and break it up a bit because it doesn't seem to make sense until you read it three times. Try putting a comma instead of the first "and"
Repeating "Lord Wake" twice is awkard. Try: "Lord Wake's eyes flashed like lightning reflected by the yawning blue sea as they met Raso's across the courtyard. He gulped."
The thing is, I got the feeling that the Lord was angry at him from this description. Maybe trychanging it a little?
When did she say this? Before the fight or did she use her cat to convey the message?
You don't need double dashes, just one on each side will do...
Hope I helped and keep writing!
Auxiira^^
Hello again! I had better get this now before review day wipes out all of the un-reviewed works! You simply must remember to tell me when you post the next part and I shall keep up with this right to the end!
Just a quick tip - try not to repeat a word, even in different forms, in a couple of sentences. For example, here you have 'similar' and then shortly afterwards, 'similarly' and it's too noticeable and pulls the reader out of the story because it feels unnatural. It's an easy fix, simply change one of the words!But I'm getting ahead of myself, let's take a look at chapter three...
Specifics
1.
2. <<< Just a small change, but it sounds more natural.
3. <<< That's already a bulky sentence; no sense in making it unnecessarily bulkier.
4. <<< I've not much to criticise in your character or plot so far for this chapter. I like the suspense you're building and Raso is easy to get along with. If you could just tighten up your sentence structure or word choice here or there, you would have a very fluid writing style! Good stuff
5. <<< Has he met many lords? Try to avoid giving this really vague sketch of character where you can give a clearer picture. So he has met other lords before and he hasn't liked them. Is this lords in general or a particular lord? A lot can be said in one sentence and you shouldn't waste it if there's a chance to flesh out a narrator just a little more. For example, here's a few ways you could write the line and the different impressions which may be given:
1. Raso recognised that Lord Wake was old, but, he ruled his territory with a more fair and efficient hand than the slovenly lords of the west.
2. Raso had to admit, Lord Wake was old, unlikely to make it another decade. Bur he was an efficient ruler and more agreeable than the previous Lord who had held the castle.
Number one would suggest that Raso might have come from elsewhere originally and be somewhat new to this household, while number two hints at the opposite. If he knows of the previous lord then it implies his family worked in this household as well or at least lived in the location.
Any of these extra flashes of colour you can give us are great, especially if they add up to a picture somewhere down the line.
6. Don't break up your action scene to tell us where he is or why! This is something you should establish earlier if you want us to know. Have him think about the herb girl before he has any idea that something is up or before he has quite set him mind on it. Telling us while we're in the middle of a tense scene drains all of the suspense out of it, which is really a shame as you were building it so beautifully! If this is important background information, have it in earlier.
7. <<< Sometimes I wonder if you've proofread this at all
8. Careful now! I don't think pointless is the word you are looking for. Maybe futile or something along those lines. Something that suggests he is too slow or too late - not powerful enough. It's certainly not pointless though, that gives the wrong impression.
9. Get rid of 'just'. It's slowing down your sentence and belittling and brave and awesome action! We're all expecting it, but we still want to be able to cheer the hero on! So try: 'Raso didn't blink; he threw the knife.' That sounds more dramatic and more heroic!
10. I'm bound to have skimmed over some of these typos so please do proof read! Also, I'd think 'second best knife' would sound better and add a few nice flecks of character. Then we know he hasn't hesitated and selected one he doesn't mind losing, he has just gone straight for his next knife and is willing to sink it into some weird potion to defend his lord. You've also got second in the previous line and secondary in the next - which makes little sense by the way, change that - so watch your wording!
Overall
I like this chapter! It's my favourite so far and may be the first that I've liked as a whole, rather than simply in parts. It still needs work, but more in your word choices and sentence structure than any events themselves. I like the character of Raso and I like the introduction of the messenger, the wraith, the magic potion etc. It's all good fun and games with some nice suspense and a kick to the story which tells us things will happen. Somebody wants this lord dead and at least one person is brave enough to stand up and get in their way.
So! That's all I have to say for now, but if you link me when the next chapter's up, I'll certainly be back to give it a read.
All the best until I see you again!
Heather xxx