Published May 30, 2013
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Hey now, hey now, don't leave a poem that was building so strongly with something as dismissive as "but I don't care". You can carry this poem to the end. I know you're capable of it.
First of all, I love the phrase "I must be". It suggests that you're not entirely sure of what you'll say next, but you're going to say it anyway. You're trying to figure out the truth by testing the waters with a statement. Will it turn out to be right? You can only find out after you speak, it seems like. I'm also okay with the repetition because you change it up so often.
But on that note, some of those refrains are weak. For example, the first one hardly makes any sense: why are you deaf if your friend says you're beautiful. You heard it enough to record what she said. It would make more sense if you asked her and then you only saw her lips move, you know?
Also this:
Seems really out of place in the poem. This is pride and this is a good thing, and this is the people around you crying in the face of your talent, which is a strong emotion in itself, but it seems wrong in a poem about all the ways that you don't seem to measure up, or the ways that you touch things and they go bad. This is decidedly un-bad. This is a good thing, so I'd cut it out of this poem and preserve the tone.
Next, these couple of lines:
Again, I don't see the connection between being a liar and saying you found out your sister died. I think there's potential story and emotion in an event where you're stopped in a school hallway and you have to tell people your sister died, but I don't think it fits here.
I also don't like the breaking of the pattern "I must be" with "I must not have". Not only does it break the pattern, it doesn't make sense. If you didn't have a family, you wouldn't be able to ask them about spending the summer with them, right? So that introduction to the scene doesn't work well. You can also trim down the length of those lines by speaking more efficiently:
"I get stared at when I ask to stay for the summer" or something like that.
Hope this was helpful to you!
PM me if you have any questions or comments about my review, please!
Good luck and keep writing~
This is a beautiful, tragic poem! I feel amazed! Perfect way to start the poem!
"I must be deaf,
When I ask my friend how I look today, she says I look beautiful"
The emotion is felt in the poem, the low self-esteem makes this poem realistic! The feelings you developed here are so real! I loved it!
"I must be a liar,
When I get stopped in the hallways in school, she asks ‘how was your weekend’ I say ‘ I found out my sister died’"
This stanza communicates sadness. I totally felt attached to this poem! I never stopped reading until I finished! My eyes were attached, too! Really, keep writing more stuff like this!
Keep up the good work!
~Marde!
Hallo!
I think this is a really interesting poem. It did a good job of expressing the emotions and sentiments felt by the speaker. A few suggestions:
This part in particular seemed awkwardly worded to me, partly because of the repetition of the word "family". I would suggest rewording this in some way. I'm not exactly sure how, though. Maybe use a specific family member? Like "When I ask to spend the summer with my cousins, they do nothing but stare". And I don't really understand who "they" are. Maybe "My mom"? I think you should clarify that a little bit more so the reader understands.
Another part was:
I felt this was worded a lot weaker than it could have been. Instead of just "When I do things they go bad", why not go into more detail? What specific things? Relationships with friends or family? Schoolwork? More specificity will make this more interesting, and will hint at more parts of their life, which allows the reader to take a deeper meaning from this.
Also, I feel as if you could have used better metaphors. The idea of light turning dark when you walk into it seems really cliched and not really the best way to express the emotions behind this. There's plenty of potential for metaphors for good and evil, so I would suggest trying to come up with a more original one, maybe even one more personal to the speaker that would allow more emotion to be shown.
All in all, I think you did a very good job with this piece. I liked the meaning behind it, especially the last line. With some better wording, perhaps, it could be even better!
_Wherethewindgoes
An honest response to daily insecurities that haunt the typical young person . Brilliant !
I especially enjoyed the different senses such as : deafness and blindness , that really brought out the immense pain through to the reader .
This structure of this piece is particularly interesting and with out a doubt urged me to continue reading as one sentence is presented , left you hanging , and proceeded below it explaining its significance .
The ending is well thought out and proves that you can plan your thoughts
Very Well done
So you have the old idea of "don't blame the dark for being dark" tied in with "I am who I am and I must be this person because there is no other me but me." It's a nice tie. I can't say it's the first time I've seen it, but it's a different approach. For that, I applaud you. That said, I'm going to be hard on this because you have potential and it needs polishing.
You have in this piece a whiplash of statements, narratives, images, all crushed into the size of a microfilm, and after the reader parts with the piece, he can take nothing away because it is so compact. You have decent images, decent narration, but I wish, personally, that you would expound upon them and bring the words to life.
Consider this piece to be dry, needing water and nourishment. Allow it to grow. So ditch your strange formatting and let your ideas expand. Fill them out, and then cut out the excess. Refine and cut and polish and file because you are capable of it, and this is what poetry does to us, so we must do it in return.
I want to know how her sister died, how her father is gone, how her family is so empty when present. Without context, these are just dried ideas. Fix them.
My final demand is that you do not lose the line, "I must be evil."
Hi nice job!!:)
I liked it a lot!
Bye! -Neonmask
I liked it. I kind of related myself to some of it. This is a deep feeling you are exposing and if its not a feeling youve been through you are good at expressing feelings for others. Please keep going with the writing. I just started too.