Dear Kitty

I miss you.

I miss the how your house's strange  cat-food smell clung to all your clothes and lingered wherever you'd been. I miss sitting curled up together in an arm chair laughing at some crappy american pop punk band croon soppy lyrics in a ridiculously exaggerated drawl. 

I miss how easy your laughter was when I mimicked them (badly) and how sometimes I'd slip and stop laughing- just to stare at your smile. I miss us noticing the little ridiculous things, like that old man in the cinema who walked in time to 'chariots of fire' up the stairs. I thought we were going to laugh forever. 

I miss the little insights I got into your mind, when your aloof/tough girl shell cracked and I saw you cry at some cheesy romcom. 

Even after we drifted, I miss your defensive, amused face when I pointed out that you'd been glaring at empty space for 12 minutes straight. I really do think that that is your natural facial position. 

I can't remember your voice. I hate that I can't remember your voice, your laugh. Why can't I remember? 

I think you were the person who showed me how to just... Be. I stopped trying to fit in, left my affinity for blending easily, but uncomfortably,  into any social situation behind me and just did what made me happy. I never worried when I was with you that I was the 'irritating one'. Before you and since you Its been impossible to reassure myself that my relationships are genuine, that I haven't just convinced myself that these wonderful people are my friends to paint over the fact that I'm so... Needy. 

I wish I could have just told you. I know you knew anyway. It was obvious. I wish I could remember your voice. 

I feel angry at my own inadequacy, patheticness, general propensity to adhere to more cliches than is normally possible for characters that exist outside of a soap opera. I need to let you go, so I can tie off these loose ends. It's funny to think that you probably don't even realise how much of a lasting affect you've had on me. Have I over idealised you? 

Regardless, it's impossible to lower the pedestal I've placed you on. But I'm not ready to destroy it altogether... This is the first time I've ever explored these lingering feelings. I didn't even realise I was able to feel this deeply. It's... Disorientating. I don't know whether to treasure it or despise it. 

For the time being, I'll just file it (and you) under 'things I'm not mature enough to understand' ready to sort through next time you seep into my conscious mind at 1am on a lonely night. Until then, I miss you. 

Please, leave me alone.