On a steaming hot day
As I slogged through the ghetto
I crossed a cute girl
In her red-hot stiletto
Just look at her clothes
She knows we guys see this
Her short skirt, her bra strap
I know she means business
So I test my crap luck
Expecting fake smiles
But she laughs at my jokes
And she beams all the while
She sees my reservations
She knows I hold back
As I sway on my feet
She swoops in, attack
Now I’m pulled in her car
That girl, tough as steel
Who plays not one game
But how sweet her hand feels
She takes me to her apartment
Just a quick little tour
What wondrous easels
Scattered cross the floor
Soon we walk down the river
With the roses in bloom
I dedicate one to her
So she sings a soft tune
And she mutters wild poems
She wrote them, she said
As we contemplate being
The stars hang overhead
Oh those fireworks dance
And it’s all just for us
They die away quickly
But she’s not one to fuss
Back in my apartment
We hold tight on the bed
She falls asleep gently
On my shoulder, her head
Once sad and once lonely
How far I had come
One girl, composed of
The stuff dreams are from
So I fell asleep there
After kissing that cheek
But up in the morning
I cry from one peek
Oh that beautiful girl
Who I found in the ghetto
Left me with ten bucks
And a red-hot stiletto
*+*+*+*+*+*=*+*+*+*+*+*+
I hope this works. I'm an amateur poet, so rip it apart.
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139,643 Literary Works • 672,638 Reviews
delicious, i should say. tee hee! and i like how you managed to handle a mildly mature content in a way that even a religious but uh... somewhat earthly priest wouldn't hesitate to read it.
Keep Writing!
I really can't tell you how much I love this poem. Like it's just so...hilariously inviting that...I don't know I can't really pin-point it but that's definately up there with my favorite poems now, kid. It made me laugh but it was also very sweet. It's such a rarity to see a male writing about romance anymore. And that wasn't corny at all! I would expect it to be at first glance. But I really can't tell you how much I loved the way it came together. Keep it up!
I'm not going to crit you as it's already been done, but GOOD POEM! I like it!
Hey!
I'm so sorry I took so long to review this but now I'm here.
So first of all, wow! I don't know what to say. The poem is incredibly original, nothing I've read before so that makes it a little to difficult to critique for me since I write much more classic poems with lots of metaphors and similes. lol.
But here I go.
The pace in which you worte the poem is good, something the reader can really keep on reading without rushing too much and jumping from one event to another. In narrative poetry, the pace in which you tell the story is very important so that the reader can read it easily.
There were parts in which I considered that the punctuation failed a little and that didn't really help for the natural flow of the poem.
For example here, I don't think that the comma is needed. The comma is actually stopping the poem here.
YOu see, here , I think you should put a period after gently because if you read the stanza all together, that seems as if continued on the other line.
So basically there wer some periods and commas missing but I recommend you read the poem aloud and try to identify were those little problems are.
As for line breaks, there this one stanza in which the line braks make the verses sound awkward.
The line break in the last two verses make the sentence ound weird and it does affect the flow of the poem
And I consider tha the first verses are also awkward. I mean, they are phrased weirdly. You begin with how you felt after she left and then you say how far you-ve come. That at leas for me, does not work so good.
But I loved your rythm, it was interesting to read it aloud. Your rhyme is really good, nothing too forced, nothing that in the attempt to make it rhyme would ruin the poem. Your rhyme was really good.
So that's all, I loved your poem and if you have a question just PM.
I liked it, it was am extremely good example of narrative poetry. Narrative poetry is, at its best, an emotionally enveloping and ironic. Both of which you executed very well. The biggest issue I found here was the puncuation. The story would be so much easier to follow if there was puncuation throughout. Even though its poetry, that dosen't mean that puncuation isn't just as nessicary. It makes it easier for the reader to follow the story, and provides more flow to the poem. Work on that and I think you have alot of talent!
Keep writing
Wow! This was really, really good. i couldn't really find any problems with it, other than some easy grammar mistakes the you could catch if you just go over it. I also suggest that you rate this 12+, as it contains some mildly inappropriate material. Awesome job!!!!
--Dreamy115