The plane touched the ground, finally after hours of praying the plane wouldn't crash and having miniature
heart attacks every time the plane hit a bump, I had arrived at my destination. You've probably already
guessed, I'm a nervous flier. The paper napkin, I clutched in my hands was now torn into shreds. Yay me.
My uncle who was flying with me looked like he had been to hell and back. I wasn't that bad, was I?. The
captain made an announcement, we had arrived safely and blah, blah, blah. I had promised to kiss the
ground as soon as I got off of this contraption.
"May, come on help me get the bags", poor Uncle Mark he looked as distressed as he sounded. Slowly,
I stood up, clutching the arms of the chair for support. As soon as I was up Uncle Mark almost threw my
bags at me.
We were first off the plane to my delight. We made our way through all the security checks, got our
luggage and my Uncle called for a taxi to the nearest hotel. The journey was finally over.
I slouched against the window of the taxi, taking in the outside surroundings. The weather looked
promising none of the dreadful rain I was so used to. Almost everyone had a tan, except for the
tourists. The beach was visible and looked wonderful, the sun glistening off the waves, it was just
perfect for camp, the place, the weather and the people. The hotel we checked into was called Paradise
Hotel, it was just like something off the movies, a long luxurious aquarium ran along the walls, filled
with exotic fish I had never seen before. The staff were friendly and professional ....
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Yeah, what Esme said was totally true. It was really short. But it was good.
I only found a few things besides what Esme mentioned.
One:
The first sentence would probably be better if it were split into two sentences.
The italicized part seems a bit rambly. Either reword it, stick it in somewhere else, or just delete it altogether.
The striked-through part isn't needed, in my opinion.
Two:
It needs to be something more like The captain made an announcement. We had arrived safely. or The captain came over the loud speaker and said, "We have arrived safely. Please..." and blah, blah, blah."
Just reword that a little bit. If you want, of course.
Run-on.
Another run-on.
Other than that, it was really good. You should definitely continue this.
Cheers!
~Carleeee :D
Cris,
Hello! Welcome to YWS! Before I start on your review, though, I want to say something. See, I noticed your review count is 0. That’s not good, because the first think I think is: “Why should I review anything of his if he doesn’t critique pieces for others?”
YWS has this rule, also. For every one piece you post, you have to critique two others. So-
Your story, though. Extremely short, no? Because of that shortness I can’t really say much. I’m wondering what’ll happen, though, this being a new location for your MC. Some kind of romance, since that is what the title hints at - but vague hints the reader can only ever respond with vague commentary, I guess. In short: too little to actually say anything substantial.
One thing you might want to work on, however, is grammar. Grammar is a beastly little thing that everyone hates, but a necessary one.
Dialogue punctuation is easy as pie, though. Just a few rules:
“Alice likes her cat,” she said.
“Alice likes her cat!” she screamed.
“Alice liked her cat?” she asked.
“Alice liked her cat…” Her voice trailed off.
“Alice likes her cat.” She turned to face XYW.
If you have any questions, feel free to PM me!
Thanks for posting,
Esme