Based on a true story, Please review, I will put more up tommorow
The sky was cloudless, yet eerily misty. Everyone's voice was a distant hum. I was locked in my own mind,
I had already been to hell and back. I never took my eyes on the coffin. Not once. It was like I was
watching, listening, almost waiting for Eva to bang on the inside of the coffin and scream, "Let me out!".
But the prayers were over and the coffin was being lowered into the ground now.
I felt my Mum squeeze my shoulders and my hand lay limp in my Father's hand. They had no idea, the
pain I was going through.
Eva's last words were playing over and over again in my head, like a broken record player. And then two
men took two shovels and began throwing dirt onto Eva's shiny white coffin. With each thump the dirt
made, burying Eva was burying my heart too. Burying it forever. It's silly the things that pop into your head
at times like this, I couldn't help thinking, What if Eva's cold under all that damp dirt, I should have
brought her a blanket.But no one listened, they just kept throwing more and more dirt on Eva's
beautiful white coffin. My Mother and Father stopped me from trying to go any further. They said "She's
gone darling, she's gone". But Eva couldn't be gone. She couldn't be gone because we hadn't finished
writing our story yet. She couldn't be gone because we hadn't egged the principal or watched the
latest Johnny Depp movie. She couldn't be gone, but she was. Eva Kathleen Rose was buried under a
mountain of dirt and nothing I could say or do could bring her back. Suddenly I was overcome with a
new feeling, emptiness. A giant hole had swallowed my soul.
My Mum dragged me over to Eva's Mother. She dragged me because I had forgotten how to walk.
Mrs.Rose didn't look like Eva's Mother. She didn't look like herself. Eva's Mother was always beautifully
dressed and happy as Larry. This soulless banshee woman wasn't Eva's mother.
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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139,536 Literary Works • 672,600 Reviews
I really really like that part...it makes it (what word am I looking for?...not exactly relatable, but maybe fathomable?) Anyway, this is very sad, and I love the possibly just for the part above. Good Job!
Cris,
Hello again (:
Quote:
I was locked in my own mind,
I had already been to hell and back.
Odd. Consider: “I was locked in my own mind, having already been to hell and back.”
Quote:
They had no idea, the pain I was going through.
Odd. Consider: “They didn’t know what I was going through.” or “They had no idea of what I was going through”?
Quote:
With each thump the dirt
made, burying Eva was burying my heart too.
Odd. Consider: “Each thump (thump?) of dirt burying the coffin buried my heart, too.”
Quote:
It's silly the things that pop into your head
at times like this, I couldn't help thinking, What if Eva's cold under all that damp dirt, I should have
brought her a blanket.
Your italics cut off in midsentence, and the sentence itself is run-on. Linking word needed. “and”.
Quote:
But no one listened, they just kept throwing more and more dirt on Eva's
beautiful white coffin.
Run-on, needs a linking word. Or rephrase.
Quote:
They said "She's
gone darling, she's gone".
Colon needed before dialogue.
***
That’s the line-by-line crit. I usually stop talking about grammar here, but I’ll drag this here, too. Just a few sentences (:
See, in your texts, you have quite a few run-on sentences. I think I saw that in the lat piece of yours that I critiqued, not just here. Run-ons are sentences which have info jammed inside them. Sentence parts (a section between commas, or after or before a comma) aren’t separated by a linking word (e.g. but, and, etc.). I know I’m horrid at explaining, so this might not tell you a lot. Read some articles? Experiment?
Other than that - I liked this piece; perhaps you should expand this a little? Ah, and I very much liked this part:
Quote:
But Eva couldn't be gone. She couldn't be gone because we hadn't finished
writing our story yet. She couldn't be gone because we hadn't egged the principal or watched the
latest Johnny Depp movie. She couldn't be gone, but she was.
Thanks for posting,
Esme
I really really liked this, your style of writing is effective, short sentences in this case work really well. Im sad that this is a true story though
-I think hat here is you put:
She couldn't be gone. But she was.
MIGHT be more effective, but thats up to you don't take my word for it
I hope you continue with this, you have a great beginning.
Send me a PM if you post any more so I don't miss it
Meevs
*flys away*
xx
This is really sad, and very emotional, I'm sorry for your loss, but this is a great story exactly what a person should feel like after losing someone. I would like to read more so keep me posted
anyways I think that the story, or the begining is too short, maybe you should add onto this. I mean your putting 150 points into it, it should be worth it/
anyways good luck, keep writing!
-Max