Published June 3, 2025
Warning: This work has been rated 16+.
Cold and emotionless. There was no other way to describe them. Her eyes were dull and tired. Anyone who saw them would easily think she found no enjoyment in life, only turmoil and grief. They were once a beautiful burning umber, but now they were grey and red rimmed, whether from endless hours or burning hot, uncontrollable tears or the high she seemed to be constantly riding and befriending.
They would ask her how she was doing. Eyes are the windows to the soul; they would tell her, and obviously, something was troubling her soul. Her mask was now opaque, not entirely transparent but enough to satisfy a passerby’s imagination. Something was jarring her. Something no one can pull her out of or save her from its persistent haunting. She would give them a smile that never reached those tired eyes and reply, “Yes, I’m fine. How are you?”
An innocent soul, they would whisper. She doesn’t deserve that, they would continue. She cared only about others, which may have been what had caused her soul to become grieved - she didn’t realize what was choking her until she couldn’t breathe because she only cared for others. She didn’t want to ask for help, only give it. She wanted to be the one to hold people up, but no one would help with her balance. Life seemed to topple her delicate scale.
But her eyes seem to be screaming for help. Her soul has been choked so hard that the pain is bubbling past the surface and leaking from her eyes. The warmth she used to feel from the light of friends is now a foggy warmth that is fleeting, leaving her always grasping for more. She will never admit it out loud, not even write it down in a journal to confirm her pain for herself. She is stubbornly ignorant of her demon.
But how much longer until this demon not only chokes her, but destroys her?
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139,202 Literary Works • 672,505 Reviews
I really like the dark vibe this story gives the reader. It almost feels like they are lost and have no place to go.
The story involves a young woman who is haunted by some sort of ghost or demon that has possessed her. The premise is simple enough, but atcleast it gives a good start. Who is the demon in her body? What is it trying to do? Will it do any harm to her? Will it make her commit these heinous crimes? This feels like a good starting point for a great novel.
I feel the theme of the story is that if someone tries to hair you, don't listen to them. Otherwise, you might become a horrible person. That might be a lesson worth telling and passing on to someone when they're feeling down. Not everyone is perfect. They just have to make sure they keep moving forward.
I also like the prose of this story. It's short, but short enough to give you a sense of what happens next. I like when stories are short not because the writer is too lazy to make a full story, but because they intended it that way and they want the reder to know what happens next. There might be something bad going on, or perhaps that demon could befriend our protagonist and she'll get better. We don't know yet.
I really lIke the question this story poses. "But how much longer until this demon not only chokes her, but destroys her?" That is a good line worth waiting for. We don't know if we're rooting for the demon or not, or if anything bad will happen to our protagonist. We know that one day, something might not be right with her.
Overall, this story gives off a genuinely spooky atmosphere and keeps the reader wanting for more. 5/5
Hello, My Friend!
Hi Sky! Just Raven dropping in with a review, hope you don't mind!
Ooo, what a hauntingly beautiful poem! The incredibly detailed descriptions of someone who puts herself before others, often at the price of her own wellness, and it sounds like there's such little if any gratitude in turn. The focus on the eyes and the imagery they paint really tugs at the heart, because you can just imagine how sad they are and you just want to reach out. Likewise, the analogy of a "demon" generates so many dark ideas. Something that haunts you and wears you down, that would allow some to imagine what she is feeling, whereas others—sadly—may recognize it, even in another form, and sympathize...
*ahem* As far as a more technical review, I mean, I have no recommendations to make! This was wonderful to read as-is.
However, if I had to pick a favorite part, hmmm...I would go with:
Again, I just love the focus put on the eyes. Not only do they give us a visual reference for what this poor girl is feeling in the moment, and really connect us with her at a human level, but indeed, they are the perfect catalyst to exploring deeper thoughts and emotions.
This also really spoke to me, because—sadly...I think this is one of the most relatable points of the poem. Sometimes it's hard to just be aware of our inner-demons, but confronting them always feels like a whole other challenge, and there's stubbornness, there's the concern for others, even stigma that just makes it even worse.
Overall, I think that was a beautiful reflection of how an underappreciated girl can feel. And it makes me want to leave this poem saying: you are appreciated, or at the very least, you will be. And you do deserve better than what you are given and shown <3
In the meantime, nicely done here!
"They who dream by day are cognizant of many things which escape those who dream only by night."
"Words have no power to impress the mind without the exquisite horror of their reality.”
"I would define, in brief, the poetry of words as the rhythmical creation of Beauty."
Hi Raven! Thank you for reading and leaving this review!
I'm very glad you used the word "poem" to describe this piece bcs to me it is a poetic form of writing which is why i put it in that category but i wasnt sure if others would think that as well.
I'm very glad also that you find some of this to be relatable, and thank you especially for that last part of your review <3
-Sky
Very interesting and well written exploration of this character through her eyes. Focusing on one aspect of her physical appearance to reveal her soul works well, and I love how the imagery of her eyes provides both a physical and mental description of the character. It makes me wonder what happened to her to cause this, and what will happen in future. I am partial to this information being imparted over the course of a longer narrative, unlike in this piece, but I understand that that may not be the point and still enjoyed reading nonetheless.
Hi! Thank you for reading! I appreciate your comments to it!
-Sky