Published August 16, 2011
Kiki sat down next to me and put a comforting hand on my bare knee.
My bed creaked under the pressure of the extra weight. She turned toward my opened window and the drifting white drapes. Her the skin around her eyes was red and puffy from crying. The late afternoon sunlight poured through the window, and Kiki's eyes began to water as she wiped it away with her hand.
“It’ll be okay.” She said, as our parents fought downstairs, yelling so fiercely that we could hear them up two flights of stairs, down the hall and through a door where my attic bedroom was, “They’ll work it out.” I think she was trying to convince herself more than me they way her chocolate eyes seemed to stare right through me.
I returned the empty gaze, until she blinked a few times and smiled, “Don’t worry,” she repeated half-heartily, “Please don’t worry, Carolyn.“
"I know. I won't worry, Kiki, just for you." I said, I was the one comforting her, now, "Just never leave me. Okay?"
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139,558 Literary Works • 672,608 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
Well, this is quite an interesting little prologue here. From what I can judge of the situation, it looks like two siblings that are up in their room trying not to cry about the fact that their parents appear to be looked in some kind of fairly big argument in another part of the house. The details about how one of them has certainly being crying for a while and the fact that these reassurances sound a bit hollow an unconvincing suggests that the problem is quite serious there, and on top of that we also get a pretty good sense that these two siblings care for each other quite a bit with how they appear to be trying to comfort each other.
Hmm, here you can sort of see that both siblings realize that their reassurances are a bit hollow and neither of them can really be sure of anything, but then the dialogue which seems to follow this realization suggests that they also immediately them try to reassure each other that they will always have each other and that makes for a pretty sweet moment in the chaos that's going on around them and the terrible situation they seem to be stuck in.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Hi!
Hmmm.... So, reading this, I really get the feeling that this has a ton of potential to become a great story. However, this piece does not feel like a prologue to me.
Now, what you could possibly do is just flesh out the scene from the very beginning and let that be your prologue. We don't need that whole last paragraph telling us about your character. Never forget! SHOW don't tell! You can just as easily develop all those details later on in the story instead of creating this whole big info dump at the end of the prologue.
All in all, I really liked this, and as I said I think that this could become a great story and a great tribute to your friend. All I can really suggest is to remember to show not tell, and avoid info dumps as much as possible! Remember, you can get into all the details later on in the story through character and plot development.
Anyways, that seems to be all I can think to say right at the moment. I'm really interested to see where you'll take this, so I'll make sure to keep an eye out for more! Good luck, and keep writing! I hope that this helped, and feel free to ask me if you have any questions or anything about what I said above! Can't wait to read more of your writing.
The title should be one that you come up with, if you want ideas, you could make it based off of an object that is of importance to your character. The story is good so far, but the whole title thing should be all you. And if the italics are not working, did you try writing in the middle of the bracketed I's? Or you can just do a scene marker (***) after a scene to know that it changed time or place. I'm willing to read more, and this is a nice tribute you have for your friend. You have a kind heart and a good tribute piece. Keep writing!
It seemed more like a newspaper article than a story.
The grammar and language was good, but the storyline needs adapting.