The feeling is a horrendous,cold,black emptiness that leaves you hurt and aching wishing for something anything to offer a releaf. The sadness from it makes you want to curl up in a ball and the pain in your heart makes you wish with all your might for everything to just end.
But this isn't the worst of it no the worst is how unpredictable it is some days you're just numb to any emotion and everything around you is bland, other times you're so sad you would do anything to make the sadness go away to make the tears stop flowing stop burning your vision and skin like acid. Sometimes it even has you numb and cold then a minute later with no provokes or causes your choking on your own sobs and seeing a world blurred by tears.
Of course there are times when you don't feel either of these things instead it's anger no not anger a red hot fiery furry that burns in the pit of your stomach and makes you want to just throw and break something or scream,scream so loud that everyone hears scream so loud that all of your anger and agony flee.
No matter how it makes you feel there's nothing you can do about it and nothing you can do to stop it,that's what makes it all so horrible.
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139,622 Literary Works • 672,631 Reviews
Hello! Congrats on hitting the spotlight.
I don't want to spend my whole review on this, but grammar was definitely an issue. This piece is definitely very raw and you can keep your style; proper grammar and punctuation is important though. It helps me read and understand.
This piece must be special to you! It's safe to say that I cannot relate to it on the same level as someone with depression. I do know that I don't understand the feeling of depression, and that's why this is so significant to me. Your perspective and experiences are raw and beautiful. And the imagery. It did wonders for this piece.
Although I really enjoyed this, there is one suggestion -- aside from improving grammar and punctuation -- that I have to offer. And that is extending this. Add on with more imagery, more experiences. Make me understand what it's like to be in that spot. Make me feel it even more. I'm saying this especially because of the lack of length, as well. You went a little into depth with a couple of paragraphs when you could really do more. In addition, you could use those new paragraphs to establish a proper ending, and flow from beginning to end in a much smoother method.
This was very emotional, I could tell. I can’t critique you on being exact with description because it isn’t something I thoroughly understand. It was a deep and good read. I hope this review helped in some way! If you have any questions please ask!
neptune
Thank you
Heya, CrimsonAngel, Dulcet here for a review. I apologise in advance if I'm not too helpful, but I'll keep this quick. Just a few notes from me and I'll be on my way!
Grammar is definitely a problem area here, but honestly? It lends to the rawness of the story and message; it's as if the narrator sat down and just banged their keyboard with their thoughts and it all came out like a mess. And that's pretty great, in my opinion.
But that being said, it's important to know the rules first before you break them, so I suggest brushing up on your grammar and spelling. Spelling, commas, and run-on sentences are definitely a weak area here.
I agree with the other reviewer(s) when they say the ending leaves a bit to be desired. You've built up the feeling of depression wonderfully in the first three paragraphs with imagery and descriptive language, so it's disappointing to just end it with "that's what makes it all so bad". You'll want to end on a note that leaves the reader thinking about this short story for the rest of the day; unfortunately this ending sentence doesn't quite do it for me.
Your use of imagery is pretty great! I have no problems there. I can definitely relate and imagine what you're talking about in this work, and I can imagine other people feel the same. It's a piece we can all see some part of ourselves in, I think.
I said I'll keep this quick, so I'll end it here. You've done a great job with describing depression, in my opinion. This piece is direct and gets to the point quickly; you don't spend any time waffling around the topic. It's a short and sweet (I mean, not sweet but hopefully you get what I mean) and I enjoyed reading it.
Happy Review Day, and keep up the good work! Thanks for the nice read!
Thank you for thr advise and it was very helpful so hopefully with it can improve.
Hey, CrimsonAngel! Lupa here for a veeeeery rusty review. Let's get to it!
1)
First off, there should be spaces after your commas, and "releaf" should be spelled "relief." Second of all, while your description is very revealing, it might be too revealing. Depression doesn't always feel the same for everyone. I've heard a lot of stories about it, and I know depression can do more than just cause pain. You elaborate on this in the second paragraph, but making it clear in the first is important too. Perhaps you could say...
2) You were building up a lot of emotion with your paragraphs, but the last sentence was kind of a let-down. There are definitely stronger words than just "bad." Searching online is a great way to find such synonyms. Maybe try using "heart-wrenching?"
Overall, this was a pretty great piece. You developed the idea of depression pretty well. Although I would like to see some more figurative language, you illustrated the emotions caused by depression with attention to detail. Well done!
XOX,
Lupa22
Thank you for he help and I will use this in later writing.
No problem!
Hi! I'm bad at introductions so let's jump right in.
I really only have one small complaint with this story, and that's with the commas. Firstly, there should be a space after each comma before you start the next word, it's an easy fix, not that big of a deal. However, there are a few places where your story could use commas to help it flow better.
Here are two suggestions for using commas
Us a comma in between two or more descriptive words, unless they are separated by a conjunction.
Use a comma before and after you use the word no in the middle of a sentence. For example, "But this isn't the worst of it (,)no(,) the worst is how unpredictable it is some days you're just numb to any emotion and everything around you is bland"
There are also a few run-on sentences, but nothing too major. Just a few places where commas should be periods, just to help with the flow of the story.
Now, to what I like about the story. As someone who deals with depression, I appreciate the accuracy. I like the way that you put it into words without using worn out cliche metaphors. I also appreciate that this was clearly written by someone who, in one way or another, has had to deal with depression. There's not really much more I can say, It's a great story.
Thank you for your criticism and for the suggestions.
Hi, CrimsonAngel!! Welcome to YWS! I really enjoyed this piece due to the real emotion present and the perspective that it gave me. As somebody who has never had to deal with depression, thankfully, I appreciate the portrayal of depression through your piece. It has certainly given me quite a bit of insight into this monster. As the significant other of somebody who struggles with this, I am thankful for this work and am so grateful that you decided to share it here. The way in which you convey the emotions is fabulous and your audience can really understand well what you are trying to express. Your comparisons and imagery are also incredible, throughout the entirety of the pice. The only real critique that I have of this piece is that I am debating whether or not your unusual spelling and grammar usage is intentional or not, as I can see both ways. The choppiness of the grammar I feel really adds to the pathos of this piece, helping express the desperation of the narrator. The spelling, however, should be looked at as I feel like the misspellings do not add to the theme of the piece, and simply detract from the ethos. However, I can see the intentions behind misspelled words and grammatical errors. My suggestion is to check the spelling and grammar over and assess the significance of any errors and compare the effects of those errors to what the audience might receive from them, then decide from there whether or not to keep them. Overall, thank you for this fabulous piece and I am extremely glad that you shared it with YWS! Happy writings! I can't wait to see more of you.
Thank you for the criticism and for sharing how you felt about it with me I'm am grateful and I'm also glad that you enjoyed it.