Three days are left till Halloween. Once Halloween was a day when witches were the most active. For them it was a feast of fear. Villagers thought they were burning the witches but in all irony the witches only felt tiny stings across their hollow and cold bodies. I like to think about witches as servants of Devil himself sometimes, but what am I to judge.
I am laying sleepless on the floor and two days are left till the spooky holiday - Halloween and enough with the witches - let's talk about the zombies. Cannibals eating flesh of humans - something they haven't been in a long time. There's a saying that zombies are just trapped in their rotten body ,but their mind is still alive inside them and is crying while it's body devours flesh of everyone that was important to them.
There's just a day left till Halloween, and it's kind of strange because today it is so silent and you can only see kids getting ready roaming the streets - little girls in Sabrina the witch costumes and boys in their Superman suits. But this silence feels too devastating and cold almost as if there was something else walking in the streets with those kids, something that leaves no footprints and every moment I feel sadness kicking in : I don't want to do this, i don't want to do this.
I looked in the mirror this morning to realize that it's finally the day. I realized just now that I haven't ate for such a long time ,and was so weak. I started to carve some pumpkins and the knife slipped and cut my finger. I let out a little scream because I was expecting blood to gush out instantly, but there was not a single red drop. It was almost evening and I light the candles outside ,so kids see where they come to get their candy. Kids came one by one but why did they look so sad ,why did they look at me so weird like i was some kind of a monster. Maybe my costume was too realistic. I heard the bell ring ,took my candy and went to open the door in hopes that this kid won't be so lost in his thoughts. The same moment i touched the cold steel handle the door fell right in front of me. Someone rushed me to the ground so violently ,and i could feel my hands getting tied behind my back so tightly. Laying on the floor i saw blue and red flickering lights outside the door arch. It was the police.
''What is this stench ?'' - a desperate woman said through tears
''Where are the kids ,you psycho!''- i heard a man yell.
''I don't know what you're talking about.'' - i smiled wide and felt a small amount of blood in my mouth.
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125,009 Literary Works • 672,837 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
First Impression: Well...this was quite a fun little story...well..not exactly fun but certainly a very interesting proposition there. Its certainly written really well here...just the feeling of horror created there from the anticipation and then that reveal, its just all done really well.
Anyway let's get right to it,
Okay...getting right to it with the witches and the devil involved already...definitely a very spooky story and quite interesting there with that kind of first paragraph...liking the vibe so far...let's see where this ends up going.
Well..that is not a point of view I have seen there...the zombies point of view...and wow that is even more horrifying than the usual mindless creatures that want to eat your brains...good job there making them more horrifying than normal. This is proving to be a great story so far.
Well...that's quite a nice buildup of tension there....oh wow....we're definitely raising the stakes there showing the innocent kids just going about doing happy things and then the potential invisible monsters surrounding them....ahh...this is going very well so far in being a spooky story.
Oh wow...that is even worse now...turns out this one is definitely some kind of monster that ate several kids...oh dear...well that was a massive twist that I absolutely did not see coming, oh wow....that is quite intense...well...aaand well...at least I guess they caught this one...maybe...I have a bad feeling this is a witch and they're just going to go burn her and ultimately nothing happens and she just goes back to doing this to more little kids at Halloween...that is definitely a horrifying thought.
Oh dear...well this is about as much as I feared it would be...well a truly terrible ending...I mean its good, and like a great twist but like terrible as a thing that could happen to innocent children.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
Overall: Overall this was a really well done little story here. The effect that you create through your writing here is just...ahh...no words...its a really well written story that you've got here. At any rate, that's about all I've gotta say for now.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Hey there, CreepyMeow (awesome username, by the way). I'm Writer and I'll be reviewing your work today ^^ Welcome to the site! Hope you find it well and awesome and all that jazz.
)
Alright, on to the work:
I'm going to do nitpicks before I do praise (which there is some for this story) and plot and suggestions.
Nitpicks!
Well, I will say there are a lot of grammatical error in this piece. I want you to go through and pick out every 'i' that is not capitalized and fix it. I know some users on here prefer just reviews on plot, but I want you to know that grammar plays a huge part in stories, too. I mean, for all the Grammar Nazis on here, you'd be killing us. We wouldn't be able to enjoy the story when we see 'I's that are not capitalized. It takes away from the story and we get distracted. So I want you to make sure everything is fixed grammatically before you work on the harder revisions. These I will point out. But honestly, a lot of this can be just fixed by a quick scan of the eyes. I take it you didn't revise before posting (it's okay, I do that too! But don't you want a more polished piece to be reviewed?
Quite a few things here. Unless your numbers are describing a year (like, 1989) or a really large number (like 3,456) you must always spell out your numbers. Who made that rule, I dunno. But I'd suggest sticking to it! Make sure you capitalize Halloween, lol. It is a holiday and must be respected that way
plus it's about Halloween. So work on that hook. Try to grab our attention with description or shocking dialogue or something entertaining or suspenseful. I don't know. But I think you understand my point now ^^This sentence was rather confusing and a bit long. First off, sentence one doesn't connect well. When you say "villagers though they [I would put "witches" in place of they] were burning them" it makes me think okay, villagers are being burned. And they know that, because it's happening to them, but when you say "but all it did to the witch was a pleasant feeling" has no connection to the first part. I mean, one would normally say what was ACTUALLY happening, but here you say what someone is thinking and then what someone was feeling. If that makes...sense. Sentence would make more sense like this:
"The villagers thought the witches were burning them out of hatred, but really all the witch enjoyed was the pleasant feeling of watching them howl in agony. Ironically, the witches were unaware that it was actually making the villagers stronger."
It's up to you on how you want to reword it.
So again, you give us information that isn't explained. Why is this reader laying sleepless? Is he/she super excited for Halloween? Might be obvious to someone else, but you need to assume we don't know much. Give us more information. You just gave the narrator more characterization, therefore the narrator is now technically a character of sorts. So be careful with that. Ugh this sentence is a run-on! I need you to be careful with how much information you include in just one sentence.
Think of providing information like this:
You have a piece of bread, which we'll say is your story/plot. The butter or jam is going to be the information/details you are going to give us. Now, if you dump the jam all at once, it's not going to taste as good on the bread. But if you spread it out it will taste much better. SO think about that.
Huh, you barely provide any information on zombies. Equal details, Creepy ^^ If you talk about witches, you should try to talk about zombies as much as you did about witches. Because it's just kind of like "hey Imma run through all creatures affiliated with Halloween but it's gonna be like a checklist" Of course that's not what your intentions were, but be more detailed and "show" more than "tell." Or else it really does feel like just a list.
Lots of typos here >.< Also, spread out your info!! Make this two sentences, or try to be more detailed with what costumes or something like that. Also, "All Saints Eve"should be capitalized.
Reword this sentence! Your tenses are mixed up here ^^
I think you mixed up your word choices here. Blood gushes out of the finger, not 'knife gushes into finger." Knives pierce, stab, dive into, etc. But they never gush. Also, be more descriptive.
"I stared to carve an orange pumpkin, when the knife I was holding slipped and stabbed my finger. I bit back a scream as I viewed the oddity of no blood gushing from my finger."
Something like that.
The narrator is asking questions here. I would split them into different sentences so it's not jumbled.
"Why did they look at me so strangely? What--did they think I was some kind of monster?"
This last bit was very confusing. Did the narrator eat the kids? What in the world is happening?? There is no transition from narrator opening door to people asking him questions.
Like, I am so confused right now.
Okay, so I really liked the idea you have. This dude is all excited for Halloween and then it turns out he is some kind of monster himself? Awesome! However, I think you need to work on showing us rather than telling us what is happening. Revealing the plot could be worked on a little bit more.
That's all the time I have for now! If you have any questions, please let me know ^^
Hey, writer. Thanks for reviewing my work. It's true that i didn't really revise the story ,and that's a mistake from me. I will try to correct all of this the best i can. Grammar was never really my thing ,because English isn't my primary language but that's no excuse. I will work on improving it. This really helped me actually. And thanks for complimenting my username (i kind of like it myself). ^^
Kindest regards
~CreepyMeow
I totally understand! You've done a great job, though. What is your first language?
Uhm. Latvian. Latvia is a country in Europe, with 2 million people and it's very unpopular worldwide
Unfortunately I have not heard of that country but it sounds really interesting
I think I'll look it up!
Okay, interesting story, just a few things I must point out.
I hope you have a great time here.
There's a saying that zombies are just trapped in their rotten body ,but their mind (The comma goes just before 'body' like this "in their rotten body, but their mind") I noticed you did the commas weird in a few other sentences, but this should give you the idea.
and i'd like to tell you a story. (Capitalize the I in i'd, like this "I'd")
I realized just now that i haven't ate for such a long time (Again, capitalize the I. Also, 'ate' is incorrect. You should rewrite it like this "I realized that I haven't eaten in a long time and felt weak."
and the knife slipped gushing right into my finger. (Maybe you should put it like this "and the the knife slipped, cutting right into my finger."
Kids came one by one but why did they look so sad ,why did they look at me so weird like i was some kind of a monster. (Like this "Kids came by one by one, but why did they look so sad? Why did they look at me like I was a some kind of monster?)
The whole talking at the end is really messed up. You ALWAYS capitalize the beginning of speech. And you need to capitalize the I's again. They are also always capitalized.
Anyway, away from that. Welcome to YWS!
Keep writing!
~BookWolf
Thank You for the review, Bookwolf! I'm definitely gonna keep that in mind from now on.
I am enjoying my time here ,indeed. This site is full of so many creative authors - I love to be a part of this.
~CreepyMeow