My life was saved by a dog named Milo. I don’t remember it but that doesn’t stop me from knowing what happened. The story is told at every family gathering or brought up in every conversation with extended family. When I was younger the story dazzled me; now I get frustrated and upset when I hear it. I will be forever grateful to Milo but, I have come to hate the story. I survived yes, but not a single other person in my family did.
When I was just six months old my parents bought their first house. They could not be happier, their first house, first child and a dog to boot. The house was just right for a small family of three. It was a medium house, painted yellow with white trim and shutters. The summer that they purchased the house was the hottest on record for Colorado.
Two nights after we had started moving in, there was a thunderstorm. Boxes lay strewn in every room and only a few things were set up. My parents, coming from New York, didn’t know what lightning could do to dry things. They were tired after a long day of unpacking and decided to go up to bed. It was fairly late so I was already asleep. The thunderstorm raged on. Lightning struck a tree in our front yard and because it was so dry, the tree caught fire. Nobody had lived in this house previously so the branches of the tree had not been trimmed like they needed to be. The branches rested against the side of the house. The flames lapped up the tree and spread to the upper story of the house.
The house was new and no fire alarms were installed. Luckily, my parents had a dog. Milo smelled the smoke. He woke up and ran upstairs, for he had fallen asleep in the living room. He went straight for my room. Ever since I had been born Milo had been protective of me; I was his baby. He stood by my crib and began barking. My dad woke up to a house filled with noxious smoke. My father ran to my bedroom, snatched me up and ran over to the neighbor’s house.
My dad rang the door bell insistently until a disgruntled older lady opened the door. She opened her mouth to tell my dad off but before she could say anything my dad shoved me into her arms. “Call 911,” he gasped. Then he ran back to the house to get my mother. The top on the house was capped with flames and smoke poured out of the upper windows. The neighbor ran back inside and called 911.
My father was too late. My mother had not woken up when Milo barked because the smoke had already gotten to her. Nobody knows why she was affected before my father. He died in the fire trying to save her. The firemen carried their bodies out while my neighbor looked on; I was crying in her arms. Milo had run after my father when he carried me to the neighbor so he was safe. Milo whimpered and tried to get to my parents.
Yesterday, Milo died. He was the last tie I had to a family I never met. Still, the memory haunts me and grief threatens to overwhelm me. Hopefully now though, stories of Milo’s heroism and my luck will not plague me. Hopefully I can move on.
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What a great story. It instantly drew me in when I read the last line of the first paragraph. "I survived yes, but not a single other person in my family did." The story flowed smoothly from start to finish and the bitter/remorseful narrative had me feeling nervous of what was to come from the very start. The story made me truly sad and sympathetic for the events that befell the character. It was very well written and I hope to see more of your work in the future!
Hi! irishdancer1199 here to review!
) between "happier" and "their first house", not a comma.
Okay, so first off, when you wrote, "I don’t remember it but that doesn’t stop me from knowing what happened.", there should be a comma between "it" and "but".
Second, where you wrote, "I will be forever grateful to Milo but, I have come to hate the story. I survived yes, but not a single other person in my family did." There shouldn't be a comma after "but". It should be after "Milo". There should be another comma between "survived" and "yes", and the part that says "...not a single other person..." doesn't sound right. It could look like this: I survived, yes, but not another person in my family did.
Third, when you wrote, "They could not be happier, their first house, first child and a dog to boot." you should have put a colon
When you wrote, "Nobody knows why she was affected before my father.", it seemed like an unnecessary line. You could do without the random information.
Lastly, I think the overall story could use a bit more description. It seems bland and blunt; be desriptive- even with the littlest parts. Especially desribing the characters' actions, and what Milo looks like.
That's all I saw, really. Other than those little nitpicks, good job!
~irishdancer1199
I am absolutely horrific about commas! Thanks for the review
Haha, it happens. No problem!
I have to admit, it's a rather good story seeing as how it wasn't based on a true event. However, even though it's very good, it could have had a bit more emotion in it, but at the same time it still had a comfortable and realistic amount since the narrator was very young when the tragedy happened. Other than that, there could have been more detail in the sentences especially when the father rescued the infant from her crib and rushed her to the neighbors house. Lastly, I think it would have been important to describe what Milo looked like, especially since he survived. All and all though, it's still a very good and realistic story. Fantastic job.
Thanks for the review. And yes I know I need to spice it up. It's really difficult with this story for some reason- maybe the way I wrote it.
This story is told so realistically as if it's an actual recounting of an event, its almost impossible to tell whether its real or fictional. The beginning is told so emotionlessly, the reader is completely unprepared for the tragedy at the end. I figured this would be an average dog story in which the dog leaps into the river to save the drowning kid, but it was just the simple barking of the dog that saved the narrators life. By the end, the reader likely felt shock by the quick succession the bad news was relayed in. Despite being so short, this story still held a good amount of information, even if the only piece of information we got about the narrator is how they felt so much grief about the entire event. A very god job.
Thanks. I need to fix it... I didn't realize quite how bland it was until I saw all the comments. But that's why I love putting my writing on YWS because everybody else will see what I don't. And better yet, they deliver criticism in a respectable way.
Wow! Powerful story!
First…
It would be better if you could write it like "They could not be any happier. My parents had their first house and first child, with a dog to boot."
Since this is a very intense part of the story, I read it very quickly and only realized that the father had exited the house when he started knocking at the door. Try describing him rushing down the stairs and bursting out the door.
One more thing- what does Milo look like? Maybe you can research dogs that have saved people and describe Milo after one of these dogs in their honor.
This was a very touching and sad story. Just polish it up a bit and you can publish a great story! Good job!
Thanks for the review. I need to edit the whole story, make the sentences a bit different and all that.
Wow. You almost just made me cry. Such a beautiful story! I absolutely love dogs. My mom had one who was killed trying to protect her. There was a mean garbage man in the neighborhood, and one day went racing down past their house. The dog started barking and going after it, and the man just rammed his truck into the dog and by the time my grandma got out there, he was almost dead, but lifted his head to make sure my mom and her siblings were okay, then he laid down and died. But anyway, that's a rabbit trail. So, I love the nature of this story, and how it's kinda like the girl is writing in a diary or explaining to someone. However, when she actually tells the story, it seems a tiny bit boring because the sentences are so....normal. Most of them are somewhat short, and you don't really change up the structure very much. Subject, verb, completer, and maybe some adjectives and adverbs put in. I would suggest you "spice up" the story by rewording some of the sentences to make them different. Maybe make some longer, too. But I love the last part. It's so bitter-sweet! I love your idea, though, and I think you could make it even better by switching it up a bit. Wonderful job!
Yeah I knew as I was writing it that it was a bit bland. It was an old story in a notebook that I decided to write onto here. Believe it or not, this is a revised version! I will work on changing it a bit in the notebook and then hopefully I can fix it on here. Thanks for the review!!
This made me cry HARD tears, I don't know if this is a true story or from your creative mind.
I felt connected to this story because I also had a dog who saved my life, I was at the beach with my family and I got pulled out to far, some man's dog pulled me out of the water by my swimming suit, I think this is a wonderful (heart wrenchingly good) short story, I hope I can read more from you.
Keep working, this is just simply wonderful (sad the dog died)
Thanks so much for the review/comment. No this is not a true story, it's made up. Sorry about your story but glad you're safe
And I have a couple more works on this website if you want to check them out.
Thanks again for your review.