You finished your outfit by putting on your boyfriends beanie he left here last weekend. You walked down the stairs and grabbed your car keys and got in the car. You made your way down the central highway and turned off for a Starbucks. You ordered your drink and walked back to your car. You finish your drive to the place your meeting your boyfriend, calum. You can't believe it's true. Your dating calum hood!!! :) you park and walk into the mall front doors and see him with his hood up you know it's him because on the hoodie is a stain that you put there. You walk up behind him and jumper cabled him he jerked up and you grab his face and looked at him.
"You're cute. I'll take you home with me you better like a comfty bed."
You say as a joke. He smiles and hugs you.
"Ready?" He asks.
You giggle. "Of course. You ready to carry my bags?" You ask him back with sass.
"Oh yes. I even lifted this morning." He says flexing.
"Hey calum. You don't need to life you're perfect the way you are!" You say.
He looks at you and you walk around the mall. You go into all the different stores. You go to pink and all the high up stores. You tried to pay but calum beat you to it. You got irritated at him. You go to the food court to eat. He went to go to the bathroom and you say there enjoying the quiet but slightly missing him already. You hear some giggling and you turn around and see some girls all wearing 5sos shirts. You breathe out in irritation. They walk over to you.
"Hey aren't you Alicia?" One of them ask.
I nod.
"So you're dating calum hood?" Another asks.
I nod again.
The girls look at you.
"Why does he like you?" One asks you.
You shrug getting a headache.
"Look." The same one from before asks.
You take the magazine and look at the article and see calum with a different girl. Kissing. You look at the girl.
"Can I have this?" You ask.
The girls nod and leave.
You read the article and see all the facts and start to tear up. You place the magazine in your purse. Not ready to deal with in public. You hear calum coming and put your head down. He sits down.
"Babe? Are you ok?" He asks trying to get your head up. You grab your bags and walk off. Leaving calum. He was shocked but starts to follow you. You make it to the car before he catches you. He asks you so many questions.
"Calum!" You say loudly looking up.
He was quiet.
"Here." You give him the magazine and start the car. Waiting for him to read what you read. He reads it and rips it up.
"Alicia. Listen that was an ex and I promise."
He gets down on his knees and grabs your legs from inside the car.
"Do u promise?" You ask sniffling.
He nods. He grabs your face and pulls you close for a kiss. You giggle and wrap your arms around him for a hug. He looks at you.
"I love you Alicia." He says.
"I love you too calum." You say and you hug him.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hello, Creativein5seconds! Anabelle here for a review!
Welcome to YWS! This was very cute for your first piece of writing on here. I don't mean that in a condescending way; it's just your username and this story... I can tell you're a 5SOS fan.
So, one issue I have with this is that you start almost every sentence off with "You". It can get a little repetitive at times, so try to stay away from that. It makes your audience feel like they're just reading a list, ya know?
Keep writing and I hope to see more of your work on here!
XOXO
Anabelle
Welcome to YWS madame. I see this is your first work on the site, so congratulations on taking the first step on becoming a full fledged member!
I don't often read fanfiction, and I'm not familiar with what this is a fanfiction from, so please excuse me for my ignorance.
The first thing I noticed in this way your use of second person, which was very interesting. Second person is a good perspective to practice, and can be effective in some cases even though first or third are more prominent. Some people may try to criticizes your use of second person, but please know that they are no in the right to do this, as second person is an artistic choice and not something that can be 'critiqued' on so easily unless for exceptional circumstances. I think that in your case, actually using second person added some colour to this piece, which could have been very mundane with the use of another perspective. It does limit those who can relate to it, but it seemed to go down well generally.
When you are writing you need to remember to capitalize peoples names, ie Calum Hood.
also
I strongly advise NOT to use smiley faces or more than one exclamation mark, as it makes it look very... silly? Just don't put emoticons in formal writing unless you are quoting a text message.
you have a spelling mistake here. It's comfy.
Another thing to do that I think will improve your writing is to extend your sentences. You have alot of very short or mediocre sentences, so it can get very repetitive after a while. Sometimes you can extend them with clauses or combine sentences, add description or other techniques to make them flow more nicely and give the reader some variation in their head as they read it.
There is one problem, and that's with your tenses. You start out the story in past tense, but you finish it in present tense. I know I personally have this problem all the time, so you just need to make sure you double check your tense as you go. If you are unsure what I mean then I'll give you an example.
As you can see, these are past tense verbs, they happened in the past.
Then at the end...
These are present tense verbs. They are happening NOW. You need to be consistent here.
Anyway, well done for posting your first work. Have a good time.