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Chapter one of "Didn't Know"

by CreativeFreak


Although the romance doesn't come in yet, this is supposed to be a romantic story..

Chapter 1: The first meeting.

My mother, better known as, "That drug addict", to pretty much everyone is beautiful and smart, but she drinks so much alcohol that her appearance has changed over the years.

Today i was cleaning her room, didn't want to but had to, or i would be put to punishment. I found shoes that were thrown up on. Typical, for my mother at least. I washed them, then put them to air dry, as quietly as i could. My mom was sleeping. I'm surprised she hasn't choked on her vomit yet from throwing up so much. I finished up in her room then went to the living room. Picked up there and finally finished. I am a very neat person so pretty much didn't have to organize my room. Not much to clean up in there anyway.

I know what you may be thinking: "Oh my! What a horrible life! Poor child" or just maybe just "Ew! Gross!", referring to the vomit. To tell you the truth, it isn't as bad as it sounds. Once you've lived that same life for about 14 years you get used to it and don't really mind.

Finally i headed off to school only to be greeted by jealous and crude faces, except for one.

"Hi Mandy!" Nick would say to me first thing i got there, then continue,

"How was your morning?"

"Oh, hi Nick. Well my morning was the same as ever and i slept on the same dump of a mattress so let me just just answer with a nice 'Yes Nick! I slept lovingly. Thank you! What about yourself?'" And of course he'd reply with, "same here Manders!" But that's just a normal day and today was no normal day.

"So Mandy, what's your new schedule?" Nick asked.

"Well, let's see here. I have math first with Miss. Moler, World History with Mrs. Mathews, Biology with Mr. Turner, then gym with Mr. Wit(Oh joy) and German last with Ms. Staff."

"Oh man, Mandy! You're lucky! I heard Ms. Staff looks like Reese Witherspoon!"

"I don't feel so lucky! I thought you knew that i hate Reese Witherspoon and that i think she looks like a plastic barbie doll! And you say you are my best friend. Pff!"

"Right. Sorry Manders, forgot. Well here’s my turn. See you later my dove! I’ll miss you!” Just then he lowered his eye lids, stopped and stared at me. Everyone knew, or I thought thought, my own best friend had a crush on me. I always figured he was joking around.

“Ha-ha! Real funny Nick! See you later!” I yelled while walking down the hall.

I went to look for my math room, 218, 219, 220, 222. What?! “Where is room 221?!” I yelled forgetting I was still in the hallway, with people surrounding me. How much stupider could I get?

"its on the other side of the hall,” A voice behind me said. I looked up to find a talk, pretty woman, whose eyes leaped with joy.

“Hi! I’m Mrs. Mathews. I believe you are one of my students, Amanda Aguilar?”

“Yeah, Uh, you are one of my teachers” I said to her looking at my schedule.

“If you want I’ll show you around to your classes? I always have time for my students!”

“Uh, okay, sure. I’d like that.”


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Sat Aug 15, 2009 4:27 am
CreativeFreak says...



:D Thanks.




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Mon Aug 10, 2009 6:09 pm
Lilicia says...



You're not a fail! Don't ever put yourself down like that. Sometimes I get really upset because I think that the reviews I get are too critical, that people can find more bad in my story then good. But, then I realised, that's not the case at all... Reviewers pick out the weakest parts, and the small sentences that say 'this is really good' mean more than you think. Don't worry - your work is great, and, as I said, 'with a bit of polishing will shine'. Keep writing, I look forward to see the next chapter!!! 8)




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Mon Aug 10, 2009 5:58 pm
Dark Angel wrote a review...



First of all let me say i'm sorry if I sound mean, I'm just really nitpicky. :)

Today i was cleaning her room, didn't want to but had to, or i would be put to punishment.

You need to capitalize the I. This sentence sounds awkward, maybe you could make it say:
:arrow: Today I was cleaning her room. I didn't want to but had to, or I would be put to punishment.
Or something like that.
I washed them, then put them to air dry, as quietly as i could.

Okay, you need to capitalize the I again. You don't need to put a comma after dry.
I finished up in her room then went to the living room. Picked up there and finally finished.
You could probably make that second sentence sound differently, like "
:arrow: Then I cleaned there and finally finished. Or something like that.
I am a very neat person so pretty much didn't have to organize my room.
You could probably make it sound a little less awkward, like:
I am a very neat person so I don't have to organize my room. Also, you put it in a different tense than the rest of the story.
I didn't find any more mistakes! ;D I can't wait to read chapter two.

I hope my services were helpful!




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Mon Aug 10, 2009 2:29 am
Dreamwalker says...



Don't worry! You don't fail :D. Not at all ^_^. I found this piece pretty interesting just some of the errors needed to be pointed out. Doesn't make you any less of a writer. When I started on YWS I sucked epically but with a little time and help from the instructors I now pretty good at punctuation :D. Just give yourself some more time!

~The.Dreamwalker




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Mon Aug 10, 2009 1:28 am
CreativeFreak says...



Oh...I feel like a fail!! :(

Well, thanks for the help.
And i don't really capitalize the I's, 'cause, well i just don't, but i willllll fix that, since it kept getting repeated. :)

THANKS! 8)




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Sat Aug 08, 2009 6:51 pm
Lilicia wrote a review...



Hi!
Let me start off by saying that this is a piece with a lot of potential, and with a bit of polishing will shine :D

Now for the nitpicks:

My mother, better known as, "That drug addict", to pretty much everyone is beautiful and smart, but she drinks so much alcohol that her appearance has changed over the years.


As DW already pointed out, this isn't the best way to start. Readers look for strong starting lines that pull them into the story. This sentence is merely a fact, and, to be honest, it's not intriguing. It also gives the wrong idea, that this story is about an alcoholic mother rather than a romance. I suggest you postpone on telling us this sentence until later, and, in the mean time, try to begin it in a way that matches the plot. :)

Today i was cleaning her room, didn't want to but had to, or i would be put to punishment.


Make sure to always capitalize the i's. Also, I'm not sure if 'put to punishment' is the best way to say it.

Picked up there and finally finished.


I don't know if this is just me being picky , but to me, this sounds too... fragmented. Try: I picked up there, and, finally, I finished. Or something like that :)

I know what you may be thinking


Does the 'may' here have to be in italics? It emphasises something that doesn't necessarily need to be emphasised. It's your choice, though - I might be reading it the wrong way.

Finally i headed off to school only to be greeted by jealous and crude faces, except for one
.

Make sure to capitalize the i. Also, there should be a comma after 'finally', so the sentence isn't so fast-paced.

"Hi Mandy!" Nick would say to me first thing i got there, then continue,

"How was your morning?"

"Oh, hi Nick. Well my morning was the same as ever and i slept on the same dump of a mattress so let me just just answer with a nice 'Yes Nick! I slept lovingly. Thank you! What about yourself?'" And of course he'd reply with, "same here Manders!" But that's just a normal day and today was no normal day.


I don't know if it's just me, but frankly, this bit confused me. I'm not interested in a conversation that would happen any other day, I'm interested in today. Reading this, I got confused thinking that the dialogue with Nick was happening right there and then, and not something that usually happened but didn't happen that particular day. Sorry, am I making sense? Basically, I'm suggesting you take this bit out, but, overall. it's your choice.

"Well, let's see here. I have math first with Miss. Moler, World History with Mrs. Mathews, Biology with Mr. Turner, then gym with Mr. Wit(Oh joy) and German last with Ms. Staff."


Either you put capitals in front of subjects, or you don't - as long as you are consistent. Notice here that the m in 'math' isn't capital, whereas the w and h in 'world history' is. Make it so they're all the same. There are other examples of this, make sure to find them. :D

Everyone knew, or I thought thought, my own best friend had a crush on me.


Typo?

"its on the other side of the hall,” A voice behind me said.


Should be 'It's'

I looked up to find a talk, pretty woman, whose eyes leaped with joy.


I think you mean tall? Also, even though 'whose eyes leaped with joy' could be a very good metaphore, it just doesn't work here. It's a little too over the top... Maybe replace it with something more mild? Remember, this is a student looking at a teacher...

“Hi! I’m Mrs. Mathews. I believe you are one of my students, Amanda Aguilar?”


It's very unlikely that a teacher would know a student like that (unless this is a very special teacher?) But still, it's unlikely. I suggest you take it out. Maybe the teacher could ask if Mandy needed help, and then found out that she's her student?

“Yeah, Uh, you are one of my teachers” I said to her looking at my schedule.


This doesn't flow nicely. 'I said, looking at my schedule', would be better. Also, make sure to put a comma after 'teachers' and uncapitalize the u on 'Uh', seeing as it's still part of a sentence.

Okay, well, that's all I could find! Make sure to capitalize all the 'i's. Right now, we don't know much about Mandy, apart from her alcohlic mother and her friend Nick, so I'd like to know more about her. How old is she? What does she look like? etc... Also, I'd like to hear more description of her surroundings, to help me visualise the scene and make it more real.

I hope you're planning on continuing this! PM me with any questions you might have.

Hope I helped! :D




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Sat Aug 08, 2009 1:23 am
Dreamwalker wrote a review...



Hey there! I'm The.Dreamwalker but most people just call me dreamwalker or DW but you can call me whatever you like :D. I'm here to review your work this lovely evening.

First off, it seems I am your first run in with an instructor when it comes to reviews. Anything I may critique throughout this piece is only for the benefit of yourself so don't think I don't like the idea or anything. I just may come off as a little cruel.

Alright, so the breakdown. I first start with the nit-picks section and then I go into four components. Grammar and Punctuation, Setting and Description, Plot, and Character Developement. So, let's get started!

Nit-Picks

My mother, better known as, "That drug addict", to pretty much everyone is beautiful and smart, but she drinks so much alcohol that her appearance has changed over the years.


Not the greatest way to start a story off. First off, the commas on the outside of "That drug addict" arent needed and 'That' shouldn't be capitalized. And secondly, if she was so smart why does she drink a lot? You also say 'is beautiful' but then you say her appearance changed over the years. Maybe change this to 'was beautiful'.

Today i was cleaning her room, didn't want to but had to, or i would be put to punishment.


The I's should be capitalized in this bit. Also, heres a suggestion. Instead of using the comma's, might I recommend dashes? They are really mean't for that specific area so I would use those instead of the commas.

I washed them, then put them to air dry, as quietly as i could.


Second 'i' should be capitalized.

My mom was sleeping. I'm surprised she hasn't choked on her vomit yet from throwing up so much.


A reoccuring issue you have is jumping from past to present tense. Try to fix out those kinks.

I finished up in her room then went to the living room. Picked up there and finally finished.


This should be one sentence, not two. Use a comma instead of a period.

Finally i headed off to school only to be greeted by jealous and crude faces, except for one.


Capitalize the 'i'.

"Hi Mandy!" Nick would say to me first thing i got there, then continue,
"How was your morning?"


There are two things wrong with this. First, the i should be capitalized and the second quotation shouldn't be on a second line. Bring it up to the first.

"Oh, hi Nick. Well my morning was the same as ever and i slept on the same dump of a mattress so let me just just answer with a nice 'Yes Nick! I slept lovingly. Thank you! What about yourself?'"


She sounds kind of complainish 'being used' to what she has. Also, lovingly really isn't the word for that. Try 'lovely'. The i should be capitalized.

then gym with Mr. Wit(Oh joy) and German last with Ms. Staff."


Try to refrain from using brackets in literature. It makes the whole thing look terribly unprofessional, and since this is in first person, it really isn't necessary.

"I don't feel so lucky! I thought you knew that i hate Reese Witherspoon and that i think she looks like a plastic barbie doll!


There are a whole wack of I's that need to be capitalized.

Everyone knew, or I thought thought, my own best friend had a crush on me.


You thought thought? I don't really understand what you were trying to imply there.

"its on the other side of the hall,”


It's should be capitalized.

“Hi! I’m Mrs. Mathews. I believe you are one of my students, Amanda Aguilar?”


I don't find this very believable. The fact that the teacher knows the student by name kind of surprises me cause my teachers never know who I am before I even open the door. Just a little food for thought though.

Grammar and Punctuation

You have a lot of issues with capitalization and wrong comma placements. These issues make the piece seem very novice and will turn readers away whilst they try and read. It's a very disheartening thing so try and fix up those punctuation mistakes. Also, try explanding your vocabulary a bit. This story feels very teenage fluff so maybe it will feel more realistic and people will take it more seriously if you use a thesaurus here and there.

Setting and Description

You don't have much on either. You don't really describe the settings nor do you show us anything on the characters or even some of the simpler things. As readers, we look at he small details and use them to shape the story so we can see exactly what you see. We don't see what you see though when you don't describe it to us and so, we end up with this vague image of whats going on. Give us more descriptions and you'll have a sure fire story.

Plot

I see your plot is starting to shine through which is very nice. It's good to get into a plot right away as to not bore the readers but don't go to quickly and ruin the pace of the story.

Character Development

There is a reason why I save this section for the last and it's because it's the area I specialize. Your character is very static. I don't wish to sound mean but she just seems so 'I'm the down to earth girl with a quick sense of humour' which is the protagonist of sooo many novels that have come out these days. Show us something different because we are all getting pretty tired of the same, cookie cutter mould. That character is the safe character. The character that is okay no matter what happens and yet its the character that becomes so overused and boring that there is no excitement.

So try something a little new and excite us some. Maybe she's a piano player? And artist even? Maybe she throws tantrums when people anger her or she thinks strange things and stuff. Sometimes that cookie cutter character just doesnt cut it anymore.

Overall

You have an interesting start but I would revise this more, fix the mistakes, and add more descriptions. The more you polish your skills the more this story will shine but for now it seems very bland and very teenage fluff.

PM me if theres more!

~The.Dreamwalker




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Fri Aug 07, 2009 11:47 pm
jessie2009 wrote a review...



I like it. You forgot to capitalize a lot of I's. But I like this story. I hope your write more. I would love to keep reading. Other than the I's you had No more problems! Except when you said "See you later my dove" I think you should add a comma before my and after later. If you do write more please tell me! Well hope you do write more!!

--jessie.





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