It was a normal day nothing special until I got home and entered my room, I wasn't expecting what was coming.
My life was so boring I wished some adventures would happen in it and as they say:" Carefull what you wish for".
As I said, my life was so boringuntil I entered my room and found an extraordinary surprise, you can never guess what I found. It was a white weird thing with wings shining, it was an angel! So beautiful an angel!!!
I was speechless and utterly amazed also she has some sort of magical powers like fairies: She makes wishes come true. That made my day and was totally amazing. we talked a lot and finally she asked me about my wish, only one wish. It's a chance of a life time. I started thinking what I'm going to wish: I wanted many things so I couldn't decide but I know one thing I want my free will so badly. After a while I said:" I want to be alone in this whole world, the only human being alive in this universe."
She spoke some words I couldn't understand and told me to wait si I did.
Next morning, I woke up not hearing any voices, no yelling, no fighting as usual. There is no neighbors, no mom, no dad, no one telling me what I must and musn't do just doing what I want whenever I want. No sister annoying me and no friends making fun at me, even there are no animals.
There are no teachers, no school, no exams just a perfect life.
That morning I woke up feeling joy I never felt before. At that moment and for the first time I felt like I'm home, I felt like this is my world, the world I've been dreaming about all the time, I felt like I'm in heaven.
It's one wish so the angel won't come back again, I thought I'll never regret my wish but it was not what I thought, I was wrong.
I lived a perfect month, there was nothing I couldn't do, I did everything I ever wanted and no one stopped me.
But the joy and happiness didn't last, the days felt like years when I'm alone. After the first month I started trying to survive. There is no food and water, I was hungry and thirsty, I'm feeling lonely, I miss my friends, my family, I miss our laughters together, I miss my past life. What makes me fell better is remembering past happy times with family and friends, remembering all the stupid funny things we've done.
Now, I regret the choices that I made, regret all the things I said that hurt a lot of people I love. I wish I could turn back the time but sadly I can't.
I learnd a lesson I'll never forget and it might be the last lesson I'll ever learn:" be grateful for what you have and thank God every moment because you never know when you lose everything, one word can change all.
And with all my prayers the angel didn't come back to correct my fault and left me burning in Hell, I made...
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125,029 Literary Works • 672,779 Reviews
Hey,
The message that you wanted to convey through this story was vivid and it actually compelled me to imagine myself in your place. The thought of being along is indeed quite horrifying.
There are a few grammatical errors, work on that, otherwise the story is good.
Hi! chancesnchanges here..
Welcome to YWS..
I felt the emotions that you wanted to bring out in your piece. The boredom, happiness, excitement and regret that your character is going through. The lesson that you wanted to convey is understood and vivid.
I just observed some typing errors..
But anyways, you have a good piece..
Keep going..
ll
U
So this is a good story, sort of a fable in the way that it has a lesson attached to it. Overall, I like it. It's nice and good to think over, but I think you could put a little more time into this and really perfect it. There are some grammar and spelling mistakes, but those are easy enough to fix if you just go back over and double check. Also, it just seems a little quick and flat. Add some imagery, you could capture the setting here so beautifully. You've started already, describing what isn't there after you wake up after the wish. Continue and it'll help the reader to connect and feel. Also, build on the story a bit more. Right now it seems rushed, like you just wanted to get it down. That's fine, now you can go back in and edit so the reader doesn't just feel like they've been dropped into a foreign mind and plot. However, altogether, I think you've got a really great start!
Keep expanding!
Hey Crazygirl! I like the theme of this story, but there are a few gramatical errors.
I would put a comma in between boring and I. Carefull Only has one L.Also, he other bolded phrase doesn't really make sense. It's kind of like a contradiction. You're saying you want adventure, but then you say to be careful what you wish for. I'd either replace the phrase with maybe But you know what they always say: "Careful what you wish for". Or take out the whole phrase and maybe add it somewhere at the end of your story.
You probably didn't mean to do this, but there's a space between these two words. I would replace can with could[b] because you started off with past tense and should end with past tense.
I would just take the crossed off sentence out. You could maybe add that it was beautiful in your past sentence.
we talked a lot and finally she asked me about my wish, only one wish. It's a chance of a life time. I started thinking what I'm going to wish: I wanted many things so I couldn't decide but I know one thing I want my free will so badly. After a while I said:" I want to be alone in this whole world, the only human being alive in this universe."
She spoke some words I couldn't understand and told me to wait si I did.
This whole paragraph needs work. You're missing a lot of commas and the sentence don't really flow together. For example, The first bolded lines could be made into two sentences. Such as: I was speechless and utterly amazed, she possessed some sort of magic similar to that of a fairy's. She had the power to make wishes come true, which was amazing.
Your whole story lack sentence flow, which makes it annoying to read. That is really something I would work on.
This paragraph has many errors as well. I would add a [b]the in the beginning of your paragraph. For the bolded sentence, it doesn't really sound right. maybe you could replace it with something like this I woke up to silence, which was unusual. There was no yelling, no fighting, maybe my wish really did come true.
Change the are with were for both the no teachers and no neighbors sentences. and for the lst bolded phrase, I would take out the just and either put a a semi colon,comma, or period.
Also, instead of the [must and musn't I would put should and shouldn't do
There are many more mistakes, but if i were to name them all I would be here all day. I think you should read over your story again and try to make the sentences flow better and correct any grammar mistakes you see. And like Vampyirishgirl said you can add many more details. Like maybe explain what the fairies magic is or add why you wanted to be a lone in the world
All in all, I really like the story line and I hope this helps!
If you need anything else reviewed feel free to ask me.
It helps a lot so thank you
Like I said, anytime
i really like this, but i think in the beginning could use some work. the beginning seems kind of rushed, "bam, in your face" i think you could work into it a little more like add more details. and maybe you could add a little more of a back story. you could also ad so more details here and there. but what you've got right now is really good! X) keep working and you can make it a great and wonderful writing!
Thank you but I was thinking of writing a sequel to explaine why he wanted to be alone and give a scene from his life.