Published October 25, 2007
Look at that factory:
a sore upon the city-street;
a boorish decoration
that has sewn itself upon the sidewalk
like a vile, self-sufficient plant.
We were minding our own business,
spitting into cans and circle-jerking
ourselves into blindness,
when the building emerged suddenly from the nothing of the earth.
The emitted smog, risen Christ-like from the rustic chimneys,
stained our neighborhood with pollutes.
The factory asserted itself
into our lives like the play-yard bully.
It is ugly and mean,
drinking excessively and cursing all passersby,
an ill-mannered edifice.
Its eyes are the fog-stained windows
gazing at us across the block.
Its mouths the five smoke stacks
lain across the top.
One has only to look at the building
to realize it is a creature of appetites.
When we read about it in the newspaper,
I cannot say that I was surprised:
The rebel construct had raped a woman,
slitting her throat and
tossing the corpse into a dumpster.
Baton-wielding constables arrived
to arrest the monstrous architecture,
but they too were throat-cut
and tossed aside like mutant sausages.
In the end, there was nothing anyone could do
but rope off that part of the street with yellow caution tape.
The factory remains,
on our block a blemish,
still grumbling profanities and committing devilish acts.
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140,552 Literary Works • 673,424 Reviews
That was the most amazingly beautiful, if something that dark can be considered beautiful, I loved it. I am a young writer (13 years) and reading that inspires me to write more. The part about the women who was raped and then had her throat slit, and was thrown into the dumpster, was insane. So vivid, so deep. The description of the buildings painted a picture in my mind, and made the poem speak to me deeper then it had. Thanks for the beauty!
I thought it was pretty obvious this was a fantasy. Factories don't rape and kill people in real life. I believe the term is personification.
Look at that factory:
a sore upon the city-street;
a boorish decoration
that has sewn itself upon the sidewalk
like a vile, self-sufficient plant. - use another metaphor here
We were minding our own business,
spitting into cans and circle-jerking
ourselves into blindness,
when the building emerged suddenly from the nothing of the earth.
The emitted smog, risen Christ-like from the rustic chimneys,
stained our neighborhood with pollutes.
The factory asserted itself
into our lives like the play-yard bully. - again, new metaphor
It is ugly and mean,
drinking excessively and cursing all passersby, "passerbys"
an ill-mannered edifice.
Its eyes are the fog-stained windows
gazing at us across the block. "from across the block"
Its mouths the five smoke stacks
lain across the top.
One has only to look at the building
to realize it is a creature of appetites.
When we read about it in the newspaper,
I cannot say that I was surprised:
The rebel construct had raped a woman,
slitting her throat and
tossing the corpse into a dumpster.
Baton-wielding constables arrived
to arrest the monstrous architecture,
but they too were throat-cut
and tossed aside like mutant sausages. get rid of "mutant"
In the end, there was nothing anyone could do
but rope off that part of the street with yellow caution tape.
The factory remains,
on our block a blemish,
still grumbling profanities and committing devilish acts.
I liked your use of metaphors and adjetives, but like I pointed out, you should change some. And when you mentioned that the building like, kills people, it's a BUILDING. Is it magical? Is this poem fantasy? Or is it a metaphor? Or is the narrator demented? You have to explain to us at times what is going on.
I liked this poem, I really did.
KEEP WRITING!
That was freaky as heck. It had a good rhythm to it, but I've got one question. Did you say a girl got raped by a building? This is poem is like the movie 'Monster House' on crack (in a kind of good way).
this should be PG-13.
and I don't understand why it is called the Soul Factory.
This line here:
I am not sure if I would use the word plant here. Plant seems to be a pleasent word, a word used to describe decent, if not beautiful things. In this story you are describing something disgustingly putrid. I would go with weed, or some other ill-mannered form of plant were I you. Add an adjective before plant like noxious or poison and maybe it would work.
Otherwise this is a very good poem and it portrays a wonderfully vivid picture.
this was great. the vivid imagery was awesome. i did get confused on the rape part also. but once i reread it i understood alittle better. awesome job.
kim
Wonderful!! I really like how you described the factory. Yes Emily, she's personifying the factory. There were a few phrases in the poem that I'm sure I won't forget. You accomplished creating an appropriate mood to go along the poem. Great imagery!
There were some verses you might want to rephrase. Just read the poem aloud to yourself and you'll note them.
-icy
I've never read a story like this, but I'll try to help.
First off, try capitalizing the letter at the beginning of every line...though I'm not sure if that is a rule in this case or not. Like I said, I don't know much about these types of poems.
Second, I really didn't understand it. Perhaps it's because I am too young, but...it seemed like the poem was talking about a factory, and a person? Or are you personifying the factory? Either way, it was unclear. Maybe you could work on that.
Other than that, I can't help with structure and whatnot. Like I said, and I'll say it for the third time, I am unsure of the laws and rules for this type of poetry. But I will say it seems like it could be a very interesting poem, had I been able to understand it.
Terribly sorry if I am of no help. I suppose it's what I get for correcting someone quite a years older than me, and with an unknown poetry type as well. Dear, oh dear.
<3;
Emily