Published July 6, 2011
I run back to that place we knew
it feels like summer and looks like you
but I stop myself like I should each time
because going back there is crossing a line.
I forget, sometimes, that it's not your fault
I could have dragged my feelings to a halt
before you found out, and I'd have been okay
because it wasn't supposed to happen this way.
As we cried until we could cry no more
(I still don't know what you were crying for)
you weren't supposed to kiss me,no
because you whispered that I should let you go.
Now that I've finished with feeling too much
at the shortest of looks, at too slight a touch
I'm happy we're close
even this way instead
Because if I'm honest, I love you, dear friend.
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This is a very good piece of art! The rythm is just PERFECT! I was sort of singing it along in my head1 Very nice
BRAVO!
Ah, I totally agree with the advice here. I think what happened was the personal experience I was basing it on was so caught up in my head that I was just pouring it all out and it didn't make enough sense for a reader once I got it down. Thank you, I'll keep it in mind next time. Much appreciated.
Hi-ya!!! Welcome! Welcome! First off- I applaud you for writing this-it surely has its own meaning and the way you phrase most of the lines brings us as you readers into your dimension. I do feel that at some points some of the lines felt a bit forced because you were trying to stick with rhyming. This isn't a bad thing because you as he author have complete control over this. My favorite part is the first whole stanza-it flows the best for me and holds he most emotion in comparison to the rest. Brilliant work! You've sure got a knack for writing! Don't change it for the world!
The lines "I'm happy we're close even this way instead Because if I'm honest, I love you, dear friend" should either be re-worded or elaborated more in the poem how "this way" is just my opinion other than that I loved the poem, the ending could have been stronger...but again, just my opinion.
First of all, welcome to YWS! You're going to love it here! I just joined a bit over a week ago and I've fallen in love with this place. Just ask if you have any questions!
Your rhymes were really nice but I don't know what happened to them in the last to verses. They sort of just slipped away. Good poem overall though, an enjoyable read.
Now onto the poem: I liked it but I was bit confused as to what was going on. I thought maybe it was about a friendship that was messed up over a kiss? That might just be retarded me not getting it though
Happy writing and welcome to YWS!
Veritas